Healing doesn't come with a handbook. The path to being healed would be much easier if it did, and more people would see it through to the finish line. Instead, it is messy, infuriating, and seemingly impossible at times. It doesn't come with a handbook, which is why we must write our own.
We are currently in an era of self-help advice. Society is getting a good portion of its information from influencers, and a majority of people seem to think that healing is some linear quest from Point A to Point B. The message is: if you do this, this, and this--you'll be healed. While that's pretty cut-and-dry, it doesn't ring true for everyone.
Healing is not the same blueprint for everyone, and just because your journey doesn't fit someone else's narrative doesn't mean you're not healing.
The bottom line is: you and ONLY YOU get to decide what your healing looks like.
THE MYTH
There's this idea that healing is supposed to be a clean experience. You constantly move forward in your efforts, and it is overall a positive venture. There is no data to track when you are working to feel better, even though that's what we are led to believe. You can't print a tracker or a daily spreadsheet to track how much better you feel as you heal. That's because healing is not linear. It is not from point A to point B. I want to yell it from the rooftops.
There are so many people promoting these strict guidelines that are supposed to grant us a sudden unburdening of our problems. They promise that, if we follow their steps, we can also be something close to normal. Society's neat little definition of normal, by the way. Buy my guidebook on healing. Pay for my healing tips. First of all, no one should gate-keep feeling better. Second, since healing is different for everyone, the tips and guidebooks are going to be irrelevant.
BURN THE BLUEPRINT
The typical advice for feeling better is the same cookie-cutter pieces. Meditate. Go for a walk. Be grateful. Meditating when you're so manic you feel like your skin is crawling is damn near impossible. Going for a walk is a daunting task when getting out of bed may not be doable that day. Gratitude is important to practice, but difficult to muster up when you feel like you're barely surviving. What are you supposed to be grateful for, exactly? Another day of challenges?
This advice may be helpful for many people, but for those of us right in the briar patch of trauma, this recommendation can feel very much like gaslighting. If you're having what feels like the worst day of your life and you're crying on the floor wanting to disappear, somebody telling you to get up and go for a walk is going to feel like a slap in the face. It feels like those people are downplaying your feelings--because that's exactly what they're doing. Down with the toxic positivity. But honestly, that's enough for a completely separate blog post.
Healing can look like whatever you need to get through this. Whether it is cutting people out of your life, screaming into a pillow, or disappearing from social media for months, this path is yours, and you get to decide how you pave it. You don't owe anyone an explanation, either. I've seen so many people who start the process, then stop because they're worried about what so-and-so is going to think, or because someone said to them, "You're not acting like yourself." That's literally the POINT of healing. You're undoing years, sometimes decades, of bullshit. You're out here kicking ass and getting better. Who cares what anybody thinks?!
At the time when I most seemed to the outside world like I was losing my mind, I was finding myself. I was, piece by piece, unearthing that child inside me buried in the rubble of years of torment and narcissistic abuse. Don't worry about what someone thinks of you. They do not know the demons you're fighting.
WHAT MY HEALING LOOKED LIKE
For me, my healing was cutting people off. Not just the people I considered to be toxic, either. I also cut off people who took my energy and gave nothing in return. These people were the same folks I was constantly reaching out to, and nobody ever reached out to me. This period of eliminating people, no matter how bad they are for your mental health or well-being, comes with a wave of grief. It did for me, anyway. Burning bridges isn't supposed to be pretty, only empowering.
My healing also included a lot of shadow work. If you haven't heard of shadow work yet, it is integrating your "shadow self" into your current identity. Your shadow self is composed of all of the negative things about you that you try to hide. You suppress these things, which is how they eventually become your shadow self.
This period also came with a lot of crying and even more anger. It seemed to me like for every step forward I was taking, I was greeted with being pushed three steps back. This isn't the healing process that was being advertised to me on the YouTube videos I was watching. The idea that I wasn't healing the right way caused me tremendous anxiety, like I was constantly starting over from scratch each time.
As a pagan, I discovered goddesses and ritual work that helped me overcome my current emotions. Consistent ritual work helped me to begin healing my energy and everything else going on inside. While religion is a path that fast-tracked my healing, that is something that applies to me. You don't need a certain religion or any at all, for that matter, to experience healing.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION
Stop waiting for the perfect time to get started! Give yourself permission to heal. More importantly, give yourself permission to heal your way. Stop comparing your healing journey to anyone else's. There is so much content in the world of social media about healing, and none of it applies 100% to anyone else.
People tend to credit others with their healing success, but you need to heal for yourself. If you're doing this for someone else, chances are, it won't stick. Keep in mind, too, that you don't owe anyone a polished version of yourself. Being perfect is unattainable, so if that's the version of you that someone wants, a version that doesn't make mistakes, consider escorting that person out of your life. If they don't want you at your unstable, sobbing self, they sure as hell don't deserve you at your healed, self-aware self. Also, no one deserves that much credit. Someone in your life may have been your motivation, but they certainly didn't put in the work. The healing is yours.
We should not be kept in neat little boxes. We are all individuals who have unique values and beliefs. Our traumas and life experiences are not the same, so why would the blueprints of our healing be the same? Burn the blueprint. Heal at your own pace, and play by your own rules.
THE POWER OF OWNING IT
You don't owe anyone anything, and don't ever let someone tell you different. By anything, I mean excuses, reasoning, and the journey itself--you don't owe anybody any of it. Healing is messy and wild, as it should be. It can be confusing, and it is not easy, but I promise you that it is well worth it. You get to decide your own path. You get to grab the reins and take your life in your own hands. What could be more empowering than that?