Right, so Labour’s plasterboard offcut of a leader Keir Starmer has also given a New Year speech, just like Rishi Sunak did, he wasn’t going to let him have all the fun was he? Though I use the word fun in the loosest possible sense. I don’t know which of Starmer’s minions thought putting him in a factory in front of a load of robotic machinery was a good idea given that he permanently sounds like his batteries are on the way out but if you’re the sort of person who’s into tired old taglines and rehashed policy soundbites delivered in a hypernasal tone of a pitch that sends dogs scurrying, then you were in for a treat.
For my part it was half an hour of my life I’ll never get back. After Rachel Reeves had finished her turn at the podium supposedly to warm up but leaving you wondering if you’d walked into a Tory speech by accident, Keith was up, sleeves rolled up as if he was actually going to do something useful, there’d be a first, but then the audio went wrong. Echoes of letters falling off the wall behind Theresa May came to mind, especially as the camera had a nice little wobble now and again too. It was so bad at times you literally could not hear a word he was saying, though oddly the silence was more interesting than he was anyway.
Anyone of a sane disposition will have switched off when he literally started by crowing about his changes to his party’s position on antisemitism, after he literally expelled from his party the only Jewish person on his National Executive Committee as part of his war on the left and bleated about his party’s commitment to NATO, who’s Eastward expansion since the fall of the Berlin Wall had only increased tensions with Russia and with the sort of leader they have these days, it’s little wonder that culminated in the situation in Ukraine. Labour’s greatest achievement is the NHS, no ifs or buts, that would’ve been my go to in his shoes, but when he has publicly stated he thinks NATO actually is, it would seem we’ve another warmonger in the making a la Blair. So far, so nothing new and fortunately for you, my sanity is highly questionable so I persevered. Strong coffee was a must though.
He spoke of kids going to school hungry, of the police never turning up, of hospital staff saying stay away because they can’t cope in Tory Cost of Living Crisis Britain. He spoke off pensioners, of struggling families. He clearly knows what the problems are, we all know that after all, we live it every day, if only he spoke about some solutions himself though as someone who wants to run the country, but Labour under Starmer as it has been since 2020, remains solidly policy free when it comes to the question of what would you actually do to fix things, because just saying you’ll fix things, isn’t actually an answer. Talking about his experiences periodically won’t fix things either, but if you heard him speak publicly before, you’ll know how much he adores discussing himself. He spoke of sport, he spoke of sacrifice, he just kept talking about…nothing of any relevance to the crisis going on in our everyday lives. He spoke of why he came into politics, how he changed the party, how Westminster is pants and we’re nearly a quarter of an hour in by this point and I’m just thinking come on Keith, please, I’m watching this to make a video on it, I did Sunak’s speech, I have to do yours too, if I just keep bagging you as you’re saying nothing, people will accuse me of being a Tory again and it’s not because of that at all, hell will freeze over before that ever happens, but it’s because you’re literally giving me nothing, throw me a fricking bone here! Give me some content!
Finally, ooh there’s a soundbite, quick, nab it before it gets away! he’s appropriated sticking plaster politics. The sameness in Westminster that never changes. Well you’d know, you’ve turned Labour into a paler shade of Tory when before it actually was something different. It’s called the establishment sunshine, sounds like the sort of deodorant you’d wear. Establishment for men, by Keith. You reek of it fella.
He wanted to give an example though and so he turned to energy and the cost of living crisis. He praised the government for implementing the price freeze his party had apparently come up with and campaigned for. You’d nicked the idea from the Lib Dems, currently led by a former energy minister, but hey, honesty and integrity eh Keith. This was an example of his sticking plaster politics though, a necessary last minute solution to fix problems caused by bad policy instead of fixing the policy before it causes problems. He’s razor sharp this one, again, we know the problem, we’ve seen it repeated time and again by government after government, but what will you do that’s different then? Nothing.
He might be policy deficient, but when it comes to paying for whatever he ends up doing, he’s much more sure of himself. No chequebook coming out and a declaration that we cannot spend our way out of this mess. When people like me say nothing will change under Starmer, this is what we mean. He has bleated about things never changing in Westminster, complained and found fault whilst offering no solutions, yet then announces no extra spending to get the economy moving proving he is more of the same. You are a sticking plaster too Keith. Only the wrong spending is bad, but not spending at all to invest is just as bad if not worse! Investing in people, so they spend more boosts the economy, creates jobs and gets Britain moving. He’s got no idea what he is doing or saying, the entire speech feels like a script he’s been given by the likes of Peter Mandelson, patted on the head, told he’s a good boy and just read what’s on the screen. This so called leader of the Labour Party doesn’t feel like he’s really in charge of anything, he’s just a puppet on strings for others.
One thing he did emphasise though was his plans for public and private provision to work hand in hand, beginning with his plans for Green Energy – the GB Energy Company plan he has, which won’t actually be a supplier to us, just to the other energy companies already scalping us and then moving onto the NHS where the Labour obsession with keeping private provision is well known, those private health donations aren’t for free after all. The private sector will always want to make a profit, it has to to exist, so when you involve it in public services they will always be more expensive. This is more appeasement to donors, appeals to more donors that Labour is safe for them to back. It’s the Tory way, look after yourselves first, throw a few crumbs to the proles and with the help of the media make it look like we’re helping people when actually as Starmer kept calling it, it’s more sticking plaster politics.
As if that slogan wasn’t something people have been saying for years though, another old chestnut soon crossed his lips and that was Labour will be taking back control! Take back control, Boris Johnson’s Brexit slogan, which he reckons Labour will appropriate, despite him sabotaging his own party at the last election by coming out and overtly opposing that very mantra despite it not being the party position! He really is the epitome of self-serving, the dictionary definition of what can I do or say to benefit me the most?
He reckons, without any additional spending, that he will devolve policy on energy, transport, climate change and the like to regions where those regions will make the decisions on how best to implement them. They’ve no money Keith. If you’re not going to open the chequebook and put local communities and local spending back on an even keel after the Tories have decimated them, how is the Take Back Control Bill of yours possibly going to be delivered? Nothing.
The pauses for applause were painful, the soundbites were all the old classics, push forward, rise to the moment, bold and reforming, rebuild Britain, scale of the challenge, let me be clear – God I hate that one – setting out the case for change, earning trust, new way of governing. There was no substance though it is promised. Yeah right. The lack of new funding makes the spectre of austerity seem likely to continue under Starmer and Co, it was a lightweight speech, by another lightweight leader a day after Sunak’s and in the same part of London at that! Just what is the difference between them really? Starmer right now can be emboldened by his party’s polling, but his own personal polling couldn’t outperform a fart in a lift right now and it’s not hard to see why, when he remains, devoid of policy, dull, dishonest and utterly dislikeable.