this poem i ugly cried while writing. i hold it very dear to my heart. i cannot explain how surreal this has all felt.
Dear Katie,
dear naive child who sometimes tries to say hello to possible new friends
dear tiny woman who did not appreciate her masculinity nor understand her femininity
dear old soul trapped inside a young body that was not welcomed by older bodies
dear daughter of a depressed mother and emotionally absent father
dear left-out sister of opposing brothers
dear loud toddler turned quiet teenager-
fragile spirit slowly crushed by just about everything one could be crushed by-
dear poor uncomfortable girl who should've stayed home-
should've never texted back-
dear homebody who wasn't born a homebody-
introvert who wasn't born an introvert-
dear hurt and confused and somber kid who forgot how to have fun
dear note-taker in class and church who slowly stopped writing
because you never reread them anyways
dear child who never grew used to switching schools
dear preteen torn between families
dear lonely teenager sitting on the floor in the dark
because you didn't think you deserved to sit in bed
dear waist-cutter
dear phone thrower
dear mother misser and father avoider
dear tongue-biter
dear typer and deleter of messages
scribbler of paragraphs
hair puller and leg bouncer
dear dismisser of red flags even as they turn into actions
because toxic love was more appealing than none at all
dear earbud needer and sleeve puller
dear both best friend needer and ignorer-
because you were too afraid to ask to leave the house or you just wanted to sulk or your energy was completely gone after a day surrounded by loud students
dear clock watcher and patience loser-
and yet never truly losing it because your mouth was sewn shut no matter how badly you wanted to scream an explanation to the world
dear double persona in a single body
dear cousin lover yet hider of your true self from them
dear new student
dear first and fourth love
dear frustration inside of a human being
dear music needer and knife lover
dear repetitive poet
dear mirror hater-
and mirror wanter, because yourself was the only friend you felt you had
dear katie.
katie, how are you?
has anyone checked up on you recently?
well, it's okay. i'm here now.
i'm here to tell you that, no matter how bad things get, you aren't alone.
i mean, i know you feel that way-
i know that, in many senses, you are.
but i am right here
i am reaching my arms backwards in time to hold you since no one else would
to pet your hair on late nights and hold your hands through morning bus rides
i am whispering in your ear every second that i can
that you are doing a damn good job
that the algebra test you just scored a twenty-six on will not matter-
all the papers you balled up will not affect you, i promise.
katie, you do not have to feel so terrified.
i am the voice in your head telling you to hold on for just a moment longer-
i remember those nights that i held on because of that voice-
it is me.
katie, i don't hear much from you anymore
that is a good thing, my sweet love.
you were a wonderful child-
one who deserved so much more happiness and joy than you were offered-
and you got what you wanted, i promise.
you did die.
you killed yourself-
just not as quickly as you desperately wished.
katie, your pain is over
i am here now.
i am okay.
i am so
so proud of you, katie
so proud of you for killing katie
and letting kate live on.
but do not worry
for the timeline that you do exist
i will always come back to.
i will always love you.
rest in peace, katie.