Anointed: the first movement of Schubert's last quartet in G Major, collage and colored pencil on canvas, 20x20 inches, $800.
breaking down the door
I called it "dry June-uary," a whole month of no alcohol, no meat, and no sugary foods.
There were two main reasons for the experiment: to show myself I could live a fulfilling life while making sacrifices (a skill that needs to be practiced, and that may come in handy in the years to come) and to clean up my channels and open the doors to the perception of spirit.
I had no real expectations for what it might look like if spirit were to come knocking harder than it usually does. I'm usually quite perceptive to the messages of spirit anyway, but still feel frustrated that those messages aren't as clear as they could be.
I do know that I'm being nudged to feel more, to drop my walls, to stop intellectualizing everything.
As fun as my ability to visualize music can be, it can also be a poor substitute for feeling it, which is how most people experience music to begin with.
I think I visualize music instead because it bypasses all those scary emotions that I would rather not confront.
Martyrdom: the second movement of Schubert's last quartet in G Major, collage and colored pencil on canvas, 20x20 inches, $800.
I've been overly sensitive all my life, and the constant pain - of my own experiences combined with the ever present injustices of the world- have made me shut down.
This has led to an existence where I barely know how I feel about anything, but at least I can always meditate and see images that point to how I probably feel. Love is an important exception, but only sometimes.
So, did anything change over a month of sacrifice?
Well, something exploded inside me. It took three weeks, but suddenly I fell in love with the entire world.
Buddhists often say that we should view everyone as if they were once our mother in a former life, but even this began to feel like weak toast.
I rode the bus, looked at everyone inside and outside, and realized that I was only 36 questions away from falling in love with absolutely any single one of them.
Delusional Nesting: the third movement of Schubert's last quartet in G Major, collage and colored pencil on canvas, 20x20 inches, $800.
It's based in science, that there are 36 questions that will make you fall in love with anyone, and they with you (or at least bring you a lot closer.) Understanding this is also a remarkable way to find a renewed sense of connection to everyone alive on planet earth.
I was beginning to feel again at last, and I was surprised that it wasn't painful at all, but blissful beyond comprehension. Even when there was pain, finding the love behind it made the pain exquisite.
More than merely the odd diet, it was listening to late Beethoven that broke down the door.
It has always bothered me that I couldn't find the magic in Beethoven's penultimate quartet, opus 131 in C sharp minor. It was all the more frustrating because this was the last music Schubert heard on earth and put him into raptures - if at least partially fever induced.
One night I decided to use it as dynamite to open my defensive heart.
The Rescue: the fourth movement of Schubert's last quartet in G Major, collage and colored pencil on canvas, 20x20 inches, $800.
I was cat sitting on a hill, so I sat in the front yard and watched the sun set behind the mountains while listening to this quartet.
Visions would pop into my head, but I cast them aside, constantly bringing my focus back to my heart and how it felt inside my chest. I felt the strings resonate in my bones as a lump began to form in my throat.
At the very beginning of the slow movement variations I began to bawl uncontrollably. There was absolutely no reason for it, no thought preceded it, just a purely visceral response.
Honestly, it felt like I blew my wad prematurely, but then the first star came out, and a moth flapped past my face. Nature came out to celebrate the fact that I finally allowed myself to feel again.
Now I'm utterly enraptured with this quartet, and I look forward to getting the fever that comes with my covid booster this fall so I can hallucinate to it the way Schubert probably did...I will of course let you all know what I see.
Music finally hits me where it was always meant to, and I'm finding my emotions to be friends rather than foes.
Were the sacrifices necessary for this to happen? I don't know, maybe clearing the channel helped. All I know is that now my life is a kaleidoscope of music and unconditional love again.
How long can I continue to survive without the walls that protected me from this much magic? Only time will tell.