A Little Philosophical Detour (And to All the Haters!)
Photo of me ( Guess it was about 1970-71 at home)
Before we dive into the real stuff, I have to torture you with a quick philosophical preamble. After that, there’ll be a photo of me, and then I’ll spill my entire backstory. Let’s be honest: No sane person wakes up one day and thinks, “Hey, I should become a director!” If you actually go for it, you’d crash and burn in a normal 9-to-5 office job. So don’t admire these people—pity them. They’re not superior to you; they’re just better at talking and selling themselves. And most of the ones strutting around as “great artists”? 95% skilled craftsmen, 5% actual artists. They’d never admit it, of course.After this pretty basic opener, I’ve finally got the hang of it and now have to really push myself to make the next chapters sound a bit more “intellectual.” Grammar and punctuation? Still not my strong suit (especially commas—don’t get me started). But I promise I’m working on it. Why bother? Because there’s one person I basically owe my TV career to. He tried to sabotage me, destroy me—and ended up doing the exact opposite. Just to spite him (if he’s still alive), I’m going to put in a little extra effort so he can stew in rage.So, How Do You Actually Become a Director?
This question is ridiculously simple and insanely complicated at the same time. I’ve talked to tons of colleagues—cinematographers, screenwriters, the whole film crowd—and one thing stands out: Almost all of us had the same issues in school. We were the “problem kids,” whether as the class clown, the hyperactive troublemaker, the loudmouth who couldn’t shut up, or just the guy constantly disrupting class. Pair that with creativity that didn’t show up in art class but in plotting epic pranks or inventing wild excuses when you hadn’t done your homework and got called on.I still remember one classic disaster: I had to read Jedermann (Hugo von Hofmannsthal’s famous play about a rich guy getting summoned by Death—basically the medieval “Everyman” story). I had three weeks. But I was busy re-ordering missing Perry Rhodan sci-fi issues because I couldn’t risk losing the plot thread on those.Monday shock and the Jedermannfiasco:
One Monday—completely forgot about it—my German teacher, Mr. Zick (actually a really decent guy), asked me to give the class a spontaneous summary of the book. If I’d at least skimmed the back cover, I might’ve gotten away with it. But nope, hadn’t even done that. So for about half an hour, Mr. Zick and the whole class howled with laughter while I improvised a completely bonkers story on the spot, somehow revolving around the word “Jedermann.” Fueled by my Perry Rhodan obsession, I veered straight into sci-fi territory instead of horror or fantasy. Eventually I lost the thread completely—you can make up a story on the fly, but keeping it logical and remembering every detail at the same time? Impossible. Mr. Zick listened carefully and started asking follow-up questions, forcing me to juggle multiple plotlines. I finally gave up and admitted I hadn’t finished the book. He got wickedly sarcastic: “The title can’t really be Jedermann, but damn, it sounds thrilling—I’d love to read it.” Instead of an F, I got a D—thanks to my “special creativity.”Ever since, I’ve had one dream: I’d love to stage Jedermann someday. But first, I’d actually have to read the damn thing.Most of my colleagues have similar stories. Even back in school, they showed early “leadership qualities”—whether as class president who argued teachers into the ground or as the leader of their little gang. A lot of us barely scraped through high school (or didn’t at all), and one thing unites almost everyone: We’re completely unfit for a normal, structured job. In any other industry, we’d fail spectacularly.Sadly, in the future there probably won’t be many great films anymore. Because today’s “problem kids” get medicated into submission instead of figuring things out on their own.
Photo: Prague, Steel Art Museum 2022 The Glorious (and Not-So-Glorious) Paths to Becoming a Director
Okay, back to the question: How do you actually become one? There are several ways:
The Born-Into-It Director
No real talent required—just connections. If Mom or Dad is already a director, DP, actor (or nowadays even a network exec), the path is wide open. Talent is secondary because TV churns out so much garbage anyway; no one notices if you’re mediocre. You’ve got a team to cover your ass—if it fails, blame the crew, not the director. These people often don’t even share the family name; Dad’s careful not to pass it to every kid he sires.Daddy’s Got Cash
Money buys contacts or funds that first film for the more-or-less talented offspring. It usually flops, but sometimes it works—and a new star is born. Best example: Roland Emmerich. Undeniably talented and knows his craft (whether you like his movies or not). He’d probably have made it without his father’s money, but it would’ve taken ten years longer. Dad basically rolled out the red carpet by financing his early work.Film School, Charlatans, and Harsh Reality
The classic route: Grind through film-school auditions, make an pretentious film no one understands (but no one admits it), or shoot yet another black-and-white “art piece” so everyone gushes, “Oh, how bold, how original, how edgy!” Then you end up directing soap operas—far from Hollywood.
The shock-value/splatter route is perfect for clever frauds and show-offs: Make outrageous films just to shock and get famous. It’s not about content—it’s “How many taboos can I break for maximum buzz?” Everyone falls for it. Takes real work and talent, though. Prime examples: Christoph Schlingensief (wildly overrated in my book) or Lars von Trier. These days, most of them just become YouTubers or TikTokers.The Grind from the Bottom (Sweat Equity)
You work your way up from other roles—usually makes you technically better than the insiders—but without the right lobby, family ties, or connections, it takes forever. By the time you get there, it’s often too late for an international career. Bonus: Being gay helps—there’s a strong network in the industry (disproportionately so). Today, though, you get blocked by the better-connected crowd from paths 1–3: spineless but with six elbows and slime glands instead of sweat ones.The Lucky Bastard
Just plain talented, gets lucky, and meets the right people at the right moment.
Of course, every category has good and bad directors—the only difference is how long and painful the road was. I fall into group 4—with the massive disadvantage of not being gay.