I’ve been reading a lot of fan fiction outside of my own fandoms as of late. We are going to gloss over that this is likely due to the fact that I’ve started new anime series and I need to calm down with my insta-ships, but I digress.
I’ve noticed something… maybe interesting but also somewhat troubling throughout the course of my reading. Every author I’ve come across apologizes for their disappearances when things get too tough in other aspects of their lives. I mean, I do that too. Every time I step away from writing, I come back with a list of excuses as long as my arm. Everyone assures me it’s okay, but reassurances do little to alleviate my own anxiety.
The mind of an artist is a strange juxtaposition of creativity and torment. Not just writers. All mediums of artistic expression seem to find this niche within themselves that allows them to create. I read a quote once, but I don’t know who said it. It’s stuck with me for years.
“You write exquisitely; your mind must be a terrible place.”
I know I’m not the only person to feel this in my bones, as if it’s been branded on me somewhere. Our minds are the places where darkness can settle without being outwardly apparent. Think of suicide victims. So many people say things like “he seemed fine”, and “she was always so happy”. I’ve thought about that a lot lately, when I read words of apology for a world that becomes too heavy.
I think artists are people who find somewhere else to hide the pain that allows them to create. Beauty doesn’t always come from a soft soul with no scars. It’s a place to display them proudly; unapologetically.
I just hope we a realize that someday.