It’s been a cracking few weeks for Prince William, the Incandescent Heir to the British throne. We can really see that public relations team coming into its own.
First, there was the little problem of his Duchy of Cornwall tenants. An Observer investigation revealed how families who had spent generations living and working on the Bradninch estate were suddenly facing eviction or eye-watering prices to buy their own homes and farms. Some even accused the Duchy of double-charging them for improvements they had paid for themselves. Which, to be fair to Workshy, does show a bit of joined-up thinking: he can make them homeless, then swoop in and solve their homelessness!
The public got a bit cross though, and suddenly Bill discovered the virtues of listening, reviewing valuations and reconsidering the approach. The tenants haven't exactly won the lottery, but at least their landlord has discovered the telephone.
Then there was William's starring appearance on The Graham Norton Show. Yes, our environmentally consciously-helicoptering prince was given a lovely sofa, a celebrity audience and a generous opportunity to plug his Earthshot Prize. Or, as it’s more commonly called on Twitter, Earthshit.
Missing from the lineup were the BBC's own rules. The same Beeb that reprimanded Graham Norton in 2013 for wearing an AIDS awareness ribbon, insisting that it must remain independent of charities and their agendas. But apparently promoting a charity closely associated with the future king is an entirely different matter. Some causes are more equal than others, you see, and rules, like royal tenants, are expendable when inconvenient.
Anti-monarchy group Republic wasn’t all that keen on this blatant flouting of the rules, announcing a formal complaint. Its argument was that the BBC had allowed itself to become part of William's publicity machine. Perhaps the BBC will invite a republican campaigner onto the sofa next week. You know, for “balance”.
And yet, even this carefully arranged television triumph couldn't escape The Sussex Problem. Imagine organising a prime-time television appearance, assembling a celebrity audience and getting the BBC to throw out the rulebook and roll out the red carpet … only to find that the public's attention keeps wandering towards your annoyingly charismatic younger brother and his accomplished wife.
Harry and Meghan have an extraordinary ability to attract attention without having to drape themselves in fur-collared capes, or ride through the streets in open carriages. Their return to the UK for an “extended stay” has been described by royal correspondents as an unwelcome distraction for the family. The BBC itself has reported that the level of Sussex coverage has been unsettling. Thus - in common with all outlets - adding to the coverage that’s so unsettling.
One can only imagine how galling that must be when you're trying to sell yourself as the exciting, modern face of the monarchy.
On which note, at least Pa and his main squeeze made Willy look exciting and modern, using the power of the Contrast Effect.
Charles's Caribbean tour has been greeted with uncomfortable questions about slavery, reparations and the monarchy's colonial past. A royal presence and a few carefully chosen speeches aren't going to make centuries of history disappear. It doesn’t help that Camilla has absolutely no idea how to appear royal - or even well brought up. Most people’s abiding image of the tour will be her making off with the only available brolly, leaving the king to get drenched in a tropical downpour. Still it might put memories of William's own disastrous Caribbean tour in 2022 to bed.
So a prince who wants to be seen as a champion of homeless people while his tenants are fighting for their homes; a helicoptering environmental visionary who’ll get the BBC to break their rules; and a future king who can't seem to escape the irritating popularity of his younger brother.
The only bright spot was that Harry and Meghan took a half-term break, so Workshy didn’t have to frantically arrange ribbon-cuttings and chair carrying in order to look busy.
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