One of my favorite words is RELENTLESS.
This word has spoken many things to me over the years, it is amazing to me how powerful a single word can be, and this word is loud in my spirit. I love its disciplined un-tameness, (I suppose I’ll have to explain the meaning someday) its fierceness and how it calls me to “go for broke”. This word has many allies, co-conspirators that affirm and confirm the power of this word to me. Words like intentional, purposeful, focus, ferocious, and engagement. These words… work together, war together, succeed together.
There is no “give up” in RELENTLESS.
Since December 16, 2019, grief has been relentless with wave after wave of bone crushing, breath suffocating sorrow. Christine’s death caused a major eruption of my heart with seismic tremors still disrupting my life more than a year later.
Wait… didn’t you say this was an encouragement post?
Yes… Yes I did.
“A song of ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? (2) My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2
My response to grief was to be relentless in processing it, no matter how ugly it seemed… and it got really ugly at times. My laments were loud, my mourning passionate and fierce. At times, (many times) every moan, every groan was the only worship I could offer my Messiah.
But I was RELENTLESS.
I want to share two journal entries, a mixture of poetry and prayer, both were written in Christine’s hospital room, right by her bedside.
December 14, 2019 (2 days before Christine died)
I can not find an altar
But I can find you
I can not find a place to sacrifice
But I can find you
I’m not sure what is reasonable to give
So I surrender it all
I no longer plead my case
I ask for mercy
Pious words escape me
I ask for help… just help
And I find you
“For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37
(The Scripture between the entries)
December 15, 2019 (The night before Christine died)
There are mountains to move
Giants to slay where they stand
It doesn’t matter how strong they are
Or how weak I am
God does the impossible
Because God controls the impossible
These entries hold more meaning to me now than when I first wrote them. Those two nights were waiting on a miracle I knew wasn’t coming, not the way I wanted it to. They were prophetic, speaking to a “Jay” who didn’t exist yet. I remember making a proclamation (also in my journal) a month later, proving these words were working on me… relentlessly.
“I won’t let this season define me but I will let it refine me.”
“The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the LORD tests hearts.” Proverbs 17:3
Father has been relentless in His love for me as I reinvent myself. This season has seen many altars, many surrenders, so many giants slayed and mountains moved but so many more prayers of…Help… just help.
And I know where my help comes from.
Thanks for reading… I hope you were encouraged, love you all.
Jay