This is an excerpt from an essay first published on my website.
“It’s easy to find a girlfriend, but difficult to find a wife.”
The following advice emerged from some casual notes I made when my other half asked me for advice to share with friends about finding a spouse. As someone who secretly cares deeply about people but, without surcease, felt an alien, I’ve spent my life paying close attention to how relationships are built and broken. My insights come from personal experience, countless conversations with friends and family and even strangers, in addition to witnessing both happily-ever-afters and painful breakups. (On that note, people tend to discuss their relationship problems with me often; maybe my blank expression gives them the illusion of me being a good listener.)
Now, while these observations come from personal experience and countless conversations, it’s worth noting that decades of longitudinal research involving thousands of couples backs up much of what follows. Studies tracking couples over more than 20 years reveal distinctly predictable patterns in what leads to success and failure, and can even show uncanny accuracy in predicting outcomes. That said, I’ve deliberately avoided drowning you in statistics, since this is practical advice and not an academic treatise.
Before You Start Looking
Before you even begin searching, it’s important to think about what you are looking for in a potential spouse. Many people stumble into relationships first, hoping to figure out their values along the way, and that’s a viable path, but solely approaching things in this haphazard way can lead to years wasted on ultimate heartbreak. The preliminary work happens in solitude.
Many people stumble into relationships first, hoping to figure out their values along the way, and that’s a viable path, but solely approaching things in this haphazard way can lead to years wasted on ultimate heartbreak. The preliminary work happens in solitude. …
Continuing reading this essay where it was first published on my website.