I remember a time where I used to poke fun at myself before anyone had a chance to say anything. I was afraid that if I allowed them the chance to first say something about myself, the hurt would be hard to get over. So I did the deed and yet, I didn’t feel any better about it. In fact, I felt worse, and the feeling of guilt lingered longer than when others said it to me. I didn’t have an answer as to why and it bothered me quite a bit. This was the time where I was overweight, suffering from infertility and had buried myself under a mountain of blankets to make sure no one could find me.
Yet, I allowed myself to dig a hole deeper each time I said those words. I finally one day asked myself, “Houa, why are you doing this to your heart? What good has it done to you?” And I had no answer and I just simply sat and cried. I cried my heart out, wondering who will save me if I do not save myself? Who will love me if I do not love myself? No one can fill that hole inside me created by me and worse of it all was that by allowing myself to be the first to say these words, I was telling the world, “Go ahead…take aim and fire your best shot at me. I’m going to be ok. I’ll endure and I’ll just take it.”
The day I looked at myself in the mirror and I realized I had nothing good to say about who I was, I broke down and I cried for the young girl I left behind. I cried and cried for her because she was wondering what she did that was so wrong to be rejected so harshly by me. On that day, I wiped my eyes and I said to her, “Houa, I will no longer reject you. I will care for you the way you should have been cared for. I will honor, love and respect you first. If anyone says anything bad, I will reverse it by sending it back to them and not accepting the words.”
That was 14 years ago…that was the start of my self-love journey into who I am today. That was the moment where I said, “Enough.” Let me ask you…, “How long has it been since you loved what you see in the mirror?” Even if you are not honest answering me, I want you to be faithful when answering yourself. That response is one that really needs to be heard from YOU to YOU.