Growing up, my dream vocation was to be a Catholic priest. I saw them as caring for people, leading people, close to God, funny (believe it or not, I grew up with priests with a good sense of humor). I remember using my Necco™ Wafers and going through the Mass and offering “communion” to my stuffed animals. I threw myself into being the best Altar Boy I could be. I KNEW God loved me. He (in my faith background) was forgiving, loving, concerned with the poor and the hurting.
But somewhere along the line, I came to believe I had sinned so much that I was beyond forgiveness. I believed God became exasperated with me. Maybe not angry, but He just gave up on me (coincidentally at the same time I gave up on myself). To recover, to live my best life, to heal, I needed to believe in the power of a forgiving higher power. One who SAW ME! In my shame, my embarrassment, my failures, and who did NOT turn his back, but turned his eyes to me and forgave me and loved me and welcomed me into His arms, into His love, into His forgiveness.
Maybe you struggle with forgiveness because you believe you cannot be forgiven. Maybe the higher power you grew up with was angry, judgmental, and unforgiving. This is one of the reasons I love being in recovery. I have experienced a number of people “come to believe in a power greater than themselves” and found freedom. If you are struggling with finding a loving and forgiving higher power, you are free to borrow mine. Mine will tell you, “You have worth. You matter. There is nothing that can separate you from forgiveness and love. You are fixable. You are lovable. You are forgivable.”