Sunday, 4/11/2021
Happy Sunday! Let’s talk about fashion…
The News
What started off as a joke of teens on TikTok declaring the skinny jean dead has turned into a corporate media campaign from the feminist-commodifying Elle to the rich-people-are-better-than-you Bloomberg telling us we must replace our dead skinny jeans.
How should you feel about this news?
Do not despair. Shaming us into buying new things we don’t want or never thought we needed is a capitalist ploy to keep us unhappy and stuck in an infinite loop of consumption. The jean industrial complex is just another tactic in the toolbox. I for one can never understand how they tricked so many of us that encasing our thighs into a stiff piece of clothing was a fashion must, but that’s a story for another day.
Every half a decade the jean industrial complex declares the death of a jean style and expects us to dispose of jeans that have taken us five years to break in for another set of uncomfortable pants. All those years spent dancing, learning which direction to jiggle to get those pants past the butt, wasted. If you resist the call to replace your former torturers with new ones, the fashion lords will shame you by any means necessary.
The most successful instrument in their shame box? The loss of youth. They’ll say, it’s okay to keep wearing those flared jeans if you are fine with looking like you’re a shriveled maid from the 1800s. It’s okay to wear those low-rise jeans if you are okay with showing your crack, even though cracks are trashy. Funnily enough, the fashion overlords are the ones who made me show my crack in the first place. I never wanted to buy those jeans with the tiny little zipper in the front with barely enough fabric to cover my butt, but they made me and now they are telling me I’m wrong.
If I sound a little upset it’s because I am. As a human with a large butt, it takes me forever to find new jeans and every single time I have to be “in-style” I have to suffer a small panic attack in a fitting room with a salesperson who is definitely not paid enough to console a crying person sitting on a puddle of jeans.
I say all this to say, you don’t have to give up your skinny jeans if you don’t want to. What’s in and what’s out is all a ploy to keep us all buying things until the planet is dead. So skinny jeans are still alive if you want them to be, and if it makes you feel better, keeping yours will help the planet.
That’s the news but don’t leave yet…
I wanted to keep things light hearted today because I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety. If you find yourself out of breath because your mind is telling you there is a lion in the room when you know for sure there isn’t a hungry lion in your living room salivating over your thicc butt, try self-soothing. What works for me is listening to Nao as I smell all the sample bottles of perfume I have collected from my now cured Sephora addiction.
If you like my writing and you can afford to support it, buy me a coffee please.
❤️
Your favorite anarchist comedian,
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