[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 82: Black #2.
“Who gave you this?”
Jaeyoung used his fingertip to press on the traces left by others, then he held Sangwoo’s chin and turned left and right to find other clues. Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung motionlessly.
“What did that person do?”
He felt a sense of disgust since he first saw Jaeyoung. Jaeyoung guessed that if it weren’t for the affair with the girl, Sangwoo wouldn’t have any conflict with passerby. Sangwoo remained silent.
“What did you two do?”
The tone that came out of his mouth sounded harsh and not like his own voice.
“Answer.”
“Kiss.”
A black flame shone in front of them. Jaeyoung swallowed hard, with his lips tightly pressed together. When Sangwoo’s neck was grabbed, the once tightlipped mouth opened and let out a moan, and there was a taste of cigarettes inside. Not the brand he smoked, but a different brand. Jaeyoung tightened his grip on Sangwoo’s neck, forcefully moving his tongue and lips.
Sangwoo groaned and pushed him away, but Jaeyoung paid no attention to the other party. He tightly gripped the arms of the person in front of him to prevent any interference. Then, he forcefully moved his tongue all over the deepest part of his mouth, as if he wanted to engrave his own symbol in the deepest spot. But the more he did that, the worse he felt.
“I hate you, hyung.”
As soon as he pulled his lips away, Sangwoo mumbled those words, but Jaeyoung ignored him. He redirected his gaze from Sangwoo’s lips down to his chin, passing through the remaining red marks on his neck, towards the fly hovering above the collar of his V-neck t-shirt and his throat.
He regretted buying this kind of clothes for Sangwoo, just thinking that others might have seen Sangwoo’s body and flawless skin, made him feel like he was going crazy. The possibility that some people might have touched Sangwoo, might have kissed him, sometimes even to the point where something might have happened that made his blood run icy. While investigating every corner to see where there might be more marks left. Jaeyoung discovered that the button of Sangwoo’s jeans was unbuttoned.
“Hyung...”
Jaeyoung closed his mouth without saying anything. There was no way for him to say how could you do this to me, how did you manage to hurt me like this, because they weren’t anything, from those small cracks that had been overlooked, it had escalated and led to the destruction of their relationship with Chu Sangwoo at this moment.
‘What should I do to not lose you?’
He, who used to be carefree and full of life, was no longer there. Jaeyoung was only a wounded man who felt like tears were about to flow. Sangwoo forcefully pushed Jaeyoung.
While he wasn’t paying attention, the door swung open. Sangwoo hurriedly ran out and stopped a passing car. Jaeyoung felt his anger rise again, he got out of the car and briskly walked towards the other side. He didn’t need to run because the person who had just gotten into the liquor barrel couldn’t walk normally anyway.
Sangwoo stepped back and stumbled, but Jaeyoung managed to grab his waist before he fell. He held on tightly to his struggling body, to prevent the other party from pushing him away. Then he looked at the pale face with a hateful gaze, as if wanting to kill him.
“What did you do with that bastard?”
He asked the terrifying question with a trembling voice. If he found a replacement for Sangwoo, Jaeyoung would have won. What would happen between them then? The time they spent together? The heart that Jaeyoung poured in? Would he finally find the feeling called “love”?
“Let go!”
Sangwoo tried to resist, but because he was drunk, he had less strength than usual. Besides, there was only so much he could do, because the other party’s body was trembling so much. But Jaeyoung knew that he was more afraid than Sangwoo, he just used his strength to force the other party for a while. It was like the final piece of the puzzle that would probably fade away tomorrow. While Jaeyoung had nothing in his hands at the moment. Sangwoo held his heart, facing the other party in such a desperate situation was too difficult. Jaeyoung became more fierce to hide the imbalance from Sangwoo.
“Answer the question.”
He took a long breath and looked into Sangwoo’s hazy eyes. He didn’t know what was going on in his mind, he used to think that the other party’s way of thinking was as simple as a robot, but now Sangwoo was the most complex and terrifying person in the world for Jaeyoung.
While he thought that the other party seemed calmer and strange. Sangwoo just laughed.
“Why? Are you afraid that I slept with him?”
Jaeyoung took a deep breath and looked into Sangwoo’s indigo eyes, unable to know what he was thinking at the moment, hiding his drunkenness behind his determined gaze.
“If I do that, what will you do? Will you rape me?”
Kisses are just kisses, sex is just sex, equations that the other party seems so simple. But it’s not that simple. If the face he saw was only one person, the body language that only allowed him, and the voice he heard was violated by others, it couldn’t be solved with such thinking.
“Then why don’t you answer! Do I have to slap you to get your attention?” Jaeyoung looked at the person in front of him again, unable to tolerate it. He couldn’t think of why he raised his voice and forgot himself because of this emotion. ‘Line’ had already blurred away, so he couldn’t see if he had crossed that line or not.
“That can be considered as intimidation.”
Sangwoo smirked and glanced sideways.
“If you report it, it’s over, but that alone is not scary.”
Before Jaeyoung could say anything, the other party stared at him and spoke.
“Why are you doing this to me? Treating me like a criminal, disappointing me. What did I do wrong that you have to torment me?”
In the end, it all ended with “I’m not wrong.” Just like before. Jaeyoung was tired of everything Sangwoo tried to solve with logic, even when he was drunk.
“You hurt me. You torment me. How can you abandon me?”
“You animal, who do you think you’re talking to like that!”
Sangwoo smirked, his eyes glaring at Jaeyoung, filled with hostility.
Jaeyoung looked back at those unfamiliar eyes and opened his mouth.
“Damn. What do you mean, you went…?”
“Shut up if you don’t know anything. It’s nothing, damn it!”
While Jaeyoung was about to say something, Sangwoo forcefully pushed his shoulder. This time, he stumbled back from the force, and as he took two or three steps back, he looked forward again and found that Sangwoo, who he didn’t know had moved away, was glaring at him.
“Just tried it, but it won’t work, what should I do?”
“Huh?”
“You animal.”
“...”
“You uncontrollable person! You cancerous human!”
Sangwoo raised his eyes and shouted with strong words. This was the first time he saw the other party like this. Jaeyoung felt the intense heat of the scorching anger filling the empty space that hadn’t had a chance to dissipate yet. Sangwoo, who scolded every word that the other party knew, said, “But the ending is a little bad.” The other party seemed to lose consciousness. Meanwhile, there were a few cars passing by on the highway at high speed. Jaeyoung reached out his hand, afraid that the other party would run out onto the road, but Sangwoo stepped back to avoid that hand.
“You are fucking flirt.”
“... What?”
“You are about to study abroad and have the chance to be with different people, to fully experience everything. Yet, you think I have turned into such a heartless person after just one kiss.”
“Do you really think saying that makes it any better?”
“Why wouldn’t it make it better? I’ve already told you that I will find a way to get over it.”
Sangwoo’s anger overcame him. Although he was the one involved with other men, he accused Jaeyoung of being unfaithful. Their eyes were filled with the hatred they had never shown each other before.
“Once you’re gone, what should I do?”
“...”
“My life is ruined because of you. How are you going to make it up to me, you bastard!”
“Stay quiet. I’m not in the mood to listen to your nonsense anymore.”
Jaeyoung replied rudely but then involuntarily relaxed his grip, unaware of his actions. Although he knew Sangwoo’s behavior was as irritating as a serial number, his anger gradually dissipated.
“Annoying... it’s really boring.”
Sangwoo forcefully ran his fingers through his hair, his blinking eyes filled with pain and exhaustion.
“I’m completely broken. You.”
Sangwoo bit his lip, forcefully clenched his teeth, and then the whole area fell silent except for the sound of heavy breathing. The other party slumped down onto the floor, leaning against the wall, staring up at the pitch-black sky before finally lowering his head to mutter softly.
“I have to find someone who is exactly like you. Is there anyone else out there?”
“...”
“Just like how I can pursue with that person, they would probably already have a partner themselves.”
Jaeyoung took a deep breath, suddenly the anger and frustration that had been building up inside him became unbearable. Even though it transformed into sadness and hatred, it still remained a part of his passionate heart, the intense emotions that returned to the main storyline made Jaeyoung restless.
He stumbled and walked unsteadily towards Sangwoo as if he was drunk, even though he hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol before collapsing. “I hate you.”
As he made a move to hug him, Sangwoo forcefully pushed him away. Jaeyoung grabbed his ankle and tried to calm him down, but Sangwoo resisted even more and slipped away from his grasp.
“I said I hate you. I hate you, hyung”
Jaeyoung took a deep breath and moved away from the other person, feeling a throbbing headache.
‘Is being in a relationship this difficult?’
He sighed a few times before leaving Sangwoo there and stood up, walking back towards the driver’s seat. While his gaze remained fixed on Sangwoo, he leaned against the seat and smoked a couple of cigarettes.
When he looked back, Sangwoo always gave him a chance, making it impossible for him to give up. When he couldn’t breathe and felt like stopping in the middle of the road, he would take a sip of water. When he was exhausted and almost collapsed on the ground, he would drink another sip of water. That’s when Jaeyoung arrived at this point without feeling tired, the tactics that the other person unintentionally used had worked too well. At this moment, after drinking another sip of water, Jaeyoung forgot the confusion that had passed.
He couldn’t satisfy the other person who made him lose his sanity and reason. Jaeyoung liked being the one in control and the leader in the relationship, so he wasn’t used to being manipulated like this. Even though when he was blind with craving and trembling with restlessness, it didn’t seem worthy of attention, but it made him certain in some aspects.
The young man started the car and slowly drove forward as the distance decreased, he turned on the headlights. Then the image of Sangwoo sitting in the middle of the darkness appeared. Jaeyoung looked at the other person in silence before opening the door on the right side of the driver’s seat.
“Hey.”
Sangwoo just sat silently, rubbing his forehead against his knee without saying anything.
“Get up, I’ll take you home.”
“...”
“Stay there and see what happens, you have class tomorrow.”
Talking about studying has happened, but the other party still hasn’t reacted, seems really angry.
“Chu Sangwoo.”
Jaeyoung’s voice softened and became gentle without realizing it.
“Sangwooya.”
Jaeyoung doesn’t know how to call him with a voice different from this. Even though initially he called with an aggressive tone, he has forgotten that time already.. Sangwoo doesn’t respond. Jaeyoung has to helplessly get out of the car.
“Are you asleep?”
Sangwoo is still asleep in that awkward sitting position, no matter how much he shakes his shoulder, he doesn’t move at all. When they met, he was already very drunk.. Time passed quickly and it’s already half past four, will there be any more chaos. The other party must be exhausted.
“You have made me restless, feel satisfied now.”
Jaeyoung pondered and sat down beside him, just sitting and looking at the other party quietly without knowing how much time had passed. At the same time, he also felt exhausted, the side of his face when sleeping appeared empty and desolate. At the same time, it was also getting unbearable to watch. Jaeyoung’s heart has been guarded by Sangwoo for a while. So no matter how angry he is. At this moment, he is not angry at the other party.
Jaeyoung reached his hand towards Sangwoo’s face, using the back of his hand to caress his cheeks slowly, as if it was imitating an event from the past, the day he first entered the other party’s house. Jaeyoung couldn’t control his emotions and pressed against Sangwoo, at that time Sangwoo was also drunk and passed out first.
He knew that doing this wouldn’t achieve anything, his heart was enduring and burning excessively to the point of being uneasy, never before when he had a boyfriend has he desired the other party to this extent. Therefore, he must not be accustomed and make the mistake as usual.
Jaeyoung followed Sangwoo’s gaze. Then he slightly leaned towards the other party’s shoulder and pulled it closer, as if to compensate for the unbalanced body and pressed it against himself, he hugged Sangwoo as if they had no problems and sat like that for a while. When he buried his nose in the beautiful neck and lightly tapped the warm back, Jaeyoung felt better.
“If this isn’t considered dating, then what is it?”
He whispered softly in the other party’s ear, if he were awake, there would definitely be an argument.
“You foolish kid, you can’t live without me.”
Even though there was no response, Jaeyoung was satisfied. Now, the restlessness and anger in his heart had completely disappeared, and his mind, which used to be chaotic and cloudy, became clear without realizing it.
He thought that there must be many things that would cause a headache, it was too complicated, like a riddle that was difficult to solve, so he pushed the burden onto himself to deal with in the future. However, Jaeyoung himself realized at that moment that if the order of importance was strong, all the obstacles would be ineffective.
It’s a simple principle, interested? Proceed. Not interested? Stop. He didn’t need to throw away the methods he had used all his life, the obstacle of this relationship remained only one, and Jaeyoung, who had compared, considered, and hesitated in front of the other party many times, was confident that this time he would be able to walk comfortably through the hindrance, slowly and calmly without rushing.
“Will you be with me or die with me?” [1.]
Suddenly, he recalled the famous phrase from the popular movie. Yes, he didn’t want to wake Sangwoo to ask him, but Jaeyoung wanted to show a little patience. However, this stubborn child had never refused to do anything successfully.
It was like saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.” [2] This maxim seemed to have been created solely for Sangwoo, ever since he met this strange child. Jaeyoung was forced to become accustomed to waiting and enduring until the other party was ready, and he couldn’t give up even if he didn’t like it.
“Sangwoo, let’s go home together.”
Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo tightly and stood up like that.
________________________________________.
[1] “Will you be with me or die with me?” is a modification of a famous phrase from the Korean drama, “Sorry, I love you.” It is a scene where the protagonist is driving the female lead to have a meal, but she asks him to stop the car, so he says, “Do you want to have a meal or kiss me? Do you want to have a meal or sleep with me? Do you want to have a meal or be with me? Do you want to have a meal or die with me?!”
[2] “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.” /
“말을 물가에 데려갈수는 있지밀 물을 마시게 할 수는 없다.” means you can
give someone an opportunity but you cannot force them to take advantage of that opportunity, or compared to a Thai idiom, “Don’t force the buffalo to eat grass,” which means not to force others to do what they don’t want to do.
Chapter 83: #1.
As soon as Sangwoo looked up, he was surprised by the unfamiliar sight. The rectangular metal clock hands moved every second instead of every minute. The window had curtains hanging to be curtains, and on the wall, there was a poster of a rock band concert with four members. On the table, there was a notebook that he had formatted himself, as well as car keys, skin care lotion, an album, and a lighter. In the corner of the room, there were several stacked clothes and a skateboard against the wall. With all of this, he could determine where he was.
He had a splitting headache and felt like his head was about to explode with the risk-filled events that happened yesterday. There were memories that he could remember and memories that he couldn’t, all mixed together. And when he realized that yesterday was Wednesday, Sangwoo got up from bed at 11:23 a.m., if the clock was telling the right time. He was now entering his second class.
‘No!’
It will take at least three minutes to brush his teeth and change clothes. The travel time to the university was uncertain, but it will take at least five minutes from the main door to the Faculty of Humanities. Despite the lingering hangover, which had an influence over his body, Sangwoo got up quickly, slid to the door, and opened it, being blinded by the brightness outside and blinking his eyes compared to the dim room.
Jang Jaeyoung lived alone in a spacious two-bedroom house [1]. There was a wall-mounted TV in the rectangular living room. On the other side, standing in the kitchen, which was arranged in a straight line along the hallway, was a tall figure wearing gray pants and a blue T-shirt with large numbers printed on the back. In his hand, a mobile phone. The smell of cooked vegetables wafted in the air.
Jaeyoung slowly turned his head and noticed Sangwoo. Sangwoo felt confused. He didn’t know what to say, how to look, or how to behave. Yesterday was the worst day, and he was too overwhelmed to analyze the situation calmly. Jaeyoung tasted the food, turned off the gas before putting the phone down, and walked in with a nonchalant expression. As Sangwoo took a step back, the others also stopped in his tracks. He didn’t come any closer than that.
Sangwoo tensed up. Although Jaeyoung didn’t have the same intimidating stance as yesterday, he could still sense the vigilance.
People who intimidated Sangwoo were common. Sangwoo wasn’t afraid of physical intimidation. Whether it was at high school, university, or military camp, he dealt with attempts to dominate, insult, and use force calmly all along. However, yesterday was the first time he felt genuinely scared.
It wasn’t just because Jaeyoung acted rudely. He wasn’t afraid of being slapped a few times, as the wounds would eventually heal. What scared him was the other person’s attitude. Although he knew that those cold eyes, tightlipped smile, and calm voice couldn’t physically harm him, Sangwoo still felt fear. It was the first time he saw Jaeyoung so angry. He was afraid that Jaeyoung would be disappointed in him and that the other would say he wouldn’t come to see him again.
He had a headache. That’s why Sangwoo stopped thinking and focused on solving urgent problems. He looked around for the house’s door, where his clothes were, how to brush his teeth, and blurted out one moment.
“I have to go to class.”
“You are already late.”
Jaeyoung looked at the clock on the wall and replied casually, “It’s no big deal.” Then he crushed Sangwoo’s hopes by saying that even if he hurried, it would still take about twenty minutes to get to the university.
“It’s a consecutive class, so I’ll be checked absent for two classes.”
“By now, there should be no more classes. What would you do then?”
“You could have woke me up.”
“You were sleeping so comfortably, how could I wake you up?”
Sangwoo stood leaning against the wall, feeling both stressed and tired. Even though talking about attending class wouldn’t help, now was not the time to have a calm conversation. He didn’t dare to forget his gaze, so he spoke while closing his eyes.
“Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”
“Oh... is it a moment of you feeling guilty?”
Sangwoo felt that Jaeyoung’s words were without sarcasm, which was awfully unlike him, so he raised his eyes before meeting the serious gaze that he could not expect. Jaeyoung spoke with a playful face.
“I apologize for being rash and for being rude. And I’m sorry for the lack of communication before.”
Sangwoo thought that this time the other party was just playing around and would let it pass like every time. He didn’t think he would admit fault. When he thought about the intimidating face, the cold way of speaking, and the posture that was like an immovable wall regardless of how he rejected it, Sangwoo started breathing faster.
“I... thought you were a good person, but apparently not.”
Jaeyoung looked at Sangwoo for a moment before turning his face elsewhere.
“I have always had a bad temper. I only tried to be a good person for you.”
“Why?”
“Otherwise, you wouldn’t have acknowledged my existence.”
“...”
Sangwoo tried to swallow his saliva, but his mouth suddenly went dry.
Jaeyoung was silent for a moment and then turned his gaze back again.
“Will you accept the apology?”
“Do I have to accept it?”
“That’s your right, but... if you accept the apology, I won’t do it again.”
The moment he heard the apology, his heart seemed to have made a decision based on intuition, but Sangwoo continued to reflect on it carefully. Then he concluded that Jaeyoung’s promise, “except appointments,” was somewhat trustworthy.
‘I will support you yourself, so you can reach your dreams.’
‘I will wait, I won’t force anything on you.’
‘I won’t do it again.’
‘...again.’ I don’t know how long those words still hold a guarantee.
Suddenly, Sangwoo wondered, but then he forcefully stopped thinking about it.
“Understood.”
Jaeyoung paused and hugged his hand on his chest.
“Then it’s your turn now.”
“….”
“Is there something you have to confess?”
Sangwoo frowned and reflected on the conversation from yesterday. He might know why Jaeyoung was angry, but it was an unreasonable excuse and a problem that didn’t need to be acknowledged as a mistake.
“I have nothing to confess.”
Jaeyoung didn’t show any reaction to that response, he just blinked his eyes and locked his gaze for a moment before speaking up.
“I want you to...”
The young man fell silent for a while before continuing.
“Hold hands with only me, kiss only me, and have sex only with me.”
Is that true? That’s an extraordinary demand in their relationship. Besides, it doesn’t mean anything anymore... when I saw Sangwoo’s expression, Jaeyoung added.
“Let’s think about this again. Chu Sangwoo. When you went to the studio and heard that the employees there were interested in me, you were not happy, right?”
“So what can I do then? There’s no way to control this.”
“I’m talking about feelings. Imagine if I go somewhere else and kiss another man who isn’t you.”
As Sangwoo frowned, Jaeyoung quickly approached him. On the other side, Jaeyoung reached out and touched his own neck with Sangwoo’s hand.
“There are traces of that guy kissing here, his pants buttons were undone, the atmosphere is abnormal, and you two looked like you have been fighting.”
When Sangwoo tried to think about it, he immediately felt worse. Jaeyoung tightened his grip on the hand that was holding him.
“Do you understand now why I’m angry?”
He couldn’t answer. Sangwoo thought he shouldn’t answer. Jaeyoung continued speaking without paying attention.
“Yesterday... when I heard that you kissed someone else, I was very disappointed, angry, and hurt.”
He pulled Sangwoo’s hand, which was on his neck, down to his chest with a serious face. Sangwoo’s fingertips slowly touched the evidence that indicated that Jaeyoung was still alive, and he felt a slight flutter in his heart through his skin.
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
“Is this a demand?”
“It’s a plea, a demand, a request, and a threat.”
Jaeyoung spoke calmly, but it didn’t sound like a plea or a threat. Sangwoo slowly bent forward and hugged Jaeyoung’s waist. When he leaned his weight on the warm body, Jaeyoung lifted his arms, leaned on his shoulders, and placed his hands on the back of his head.
“I understand now. You have done a lot for me in the past, so I will refrain from building an inappropriate relationship until you leave.”
“Yes... good boy.”
Jaeyoung kissed on the forehead above Sangwoo’s eyebrows, and his heart beat rapidly without him knowing. Although there were many thoughts buzzing in his head, such as how beneficial the other party’s plea was, how pointless their arguments on the street were, and how much time they had left before the other party left, those thoughts collapsed. Then, the warmth enveloped his eyelids, and he felt that everything was being dragged down, suddenly Sangwoo wanted to cry, his emotions fluctuating heavily, annoyingly.
“Sangwooya.”
At that moment, Jaeyoung gently called out. Sangwoo pushed himself into the embrace of the other party, replacing words with a more intense response.
“Do you still want us to see each other?”
He raised his head. Then his gaze was held captive by a tense look, Jaeyoung’s eyes reflecting the sunlight with a brownish glow. Sangwoo couldn’t think of any other response, so he hesitated before expressing his temporary physical desire.
“Yes.”
Then Jaeyoung whispered in his ear.
“If that’s the case, I will give you another chance to answer, what do you want me to do?”
That was a question he heard last Friday while looking at the illuminating and shimmering bridge from the other party’s car. Sangwoo still didn’t know the planned answer to that question. So, he replied like a parrot-bird.
“I don’t know.”
The situation now is worse than before. If the answer from that day was a conclusion derived from contemplation. Now, his mind is so confused that he doesn’t even know what he is saying.
“It’s my homework for you. Go find the answer.”
“Can’t you give me a multiple choice one?”
“No.”
Jaeyoung released the embrace and placed his hand on Sangwoo’s head, inviting him to sit at the dining table. Jaeyoung went and brought the food, including rice, mung bean soup, and various side dishes before sitting down on the opposite side of the black table covered with glass. He gently looked at the numerous dishes that looked delicious in the white bowls and plates.
“Are you good at cooking?”
“Um... no, I only made the soup. The side dishes were bought.”
In a soup filled with smoke and packed with ingredients, including sprouts, tofu, shallots, eggs, dumplings, and others, Sangwoo dipped his spoon into the bowl of soup and stirred the contents within.
“What is this dish exactly? Sprout soup or noodle soup?”
“I don’t know, maybe sprout soup with noodles?”
Sangwoo smiled slightly and scooped up a spoonful of soup to eat, meanwhile Jaeyoung sat with his chin in his hands, staring at him. Sangwoo could tell that he wanted feedback.
“This has a high sodium content.”
“Add some water.”
“Didn’t you follow the recipe?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll eat it and see if it tastes good.”
Then he scooped up the various components with his spoon and stuffed them into his mouth. The soup was so hot it burned the roof of his mouth. He didn’t feel hungry at all but he ate like a starving person. Jaeyoung brought him some water.
“You’ll have an upset stomach if you eat too quickly, take it slow.”
Sangwoo continued eating without responding, he barely touched the rice or any other side dishes and only ate the meat in the soup until it was finished. He even lifted the bowl to slurp the last bit, then placed the bowl on the table and sighed. Jaeyoung, who was sitting across from him, continued to look at him.
“May I have another bowl please.”
“You eat so well, is it delicious?”
“I think so.”
In truth, Sangwoo didn’t know what deliciousness was, but he answered like that because he wanted to continue eating and wanted to feel this way in the future as well. Jaeyoung scooped another bowl of soup for Sangwoo. Then he began eating his rice as well.
“I guess this class is probably over now.” Sangwoo mumbled while eating.
“Yeah, it’s finished then.”
“I have missed class without any reason twice in my life, and both times it was because of the same person.”
Jaeyoung laughed without saying anything, his image immediately caught the attention of Sangwoo. Sangwoo smiled slightly before speaking.
“So, you have class today. It’s a Personality Training course.”
“If I fail, it’s an F. And you will be responsible for it.”
“Are you crazy? At least go see the professor now.”
“I have missed class four times.”
“And how many times have you missed?”
“Today is the fourth time.”
“That’s really irresponsible.”
“...”
Sangwoo chuckled softly, thinking about the connection between the subject and their changing relationship until now. He thought that if the other party didn’t finish studying, it would be a good ending, but at the same time, he knew that such a situation could not happen after finishing this semester.
Jang Jaeyoung would leave Seoul.
________________________________________.
[1] Home. In Korean, it doesn’t only mean a house, but also includes accommodations such as a dormitory, apartment, or condominium.
Chapter 84: #2.
As soon as the appetite was gone, Sangwoo put down the spoon and the plate. Jaeyoung ate a little more and started collecting the dishes, and he heard the sound of the dishes clinking for a while. Jaeyoung returned from the sink and spoke.
“Go and sleep in the room.”
“I want to take a shower first.”
The other party brought a new pajama set, a toothbrush, and underwear from one of many that Sangwoo had worn before. Sangwoo walked into the bathroom, locked the door, and took off all his clothes. He felt tense all over, his body smelled of alcohol, and his neck was sore from the plastered bite from the guy yesterday.
After taking a shower, he came out and found that Jaeyoung was sitting on the sofa talking on the phone. It seemed like a serious conversation, so Sangwoo quietly went into the bedroom.
He stood in front of the desk and looked at the bookshelf. There were books about design, magazines, novels, DVDs, movies, sketchbooks, and a box full of pens and colored pencils with pictures on them. When he saw that, he picked it up out of curiosity.
It was a black suit. The hair was messy and the waist was tucked with a longsword. That was the image of the homeowner in the play ‘Rashomon’ from last summer. Although Sangwoo didn’t go to see it, he watched short online videos and knew what role Jaeyoung played. In the picture, Jaeyoung was laughing mischievously with his waist crossed, and there was another student doing his makeup.
The second picture was of a middle-aged man with wavy hair smiling while holding a boy upside down, and the boy wearing shorts pointed to the sky while still smiling. Jaeyoung’s grandfather had a handsome face and a good physique. Sangwoo was convinced that when Jaeyoung got older, he would look like this.
The last picture was taken when he was a child. In the picture, there was a blonde girl playing board games with a dark brown-haired boy who looked just like her. Although they looked similar, Sangwoo could tell which one was Jaeyoung. The person in the picture was pointing somewhere with a surprised expression, similar to the expressions he had every day, whether he wore glasses or not, wore any clothes, or how old he was. Sangwoo was confident that he remembered the other side well.
‘I want to steal it.’
Sangwoo placed the picture on the table before he caused himself more charges.
On the wide table, there was a printer on the left side, and there were documents placed on top of the printer. It looked like they were left there after printing. On the top, Jaeyoung’s name was written in English, so he picked up the paper to satisfy his curiosity. He found that it was an official document announcing the result of being accepted into a master’s degree program. The letter stated the start of the semester and the deadline for tuition payment. Although the remaining parts were just insignificant details, Sangwoo read until the last sentence before placing the paper back in its original position.
This was the time to start the master’s degree program. Sangwoo already knew about it when he was making the schedule, and nothing had changed, except that it became clearer. Sangwoo’s mind became tense.
“What are you doing there? Go to sleep.”
At that moment, Jaeyoung pushed the door in with his shoulder. Sangwoo didn’t want to show any signs of nervousness, so he deliberately answered cheerfully.
“I’m looking at the pictures. Is there no more?”
Jaeyoung looked at the three pictures. Then he pointed to the childhood picture and asked to guess which one was himself. He correctly answered that it was the person on the left, so his big hand reached out to pat his head as a reward. Jaeyoung searched the bookshelf and found two more pictures.
“Hmm, this picture looks strange.”
“Can I see it?”
The other person handed him the picture without saying anything. In both pictures, Jaeyoung was wearing a student uniform. In one picture, he was skateboarding, while in the other picture, he was eating ice cream.
“Looks like a mischievous kid.”
The young boy with short hair had fierce and rebellious eyes like a wild animal. The buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned, revealing a thinner body than now. He used his mouth to hold the ice cream with an expressionless face, and his gray student jacket hung on his arm. He looked like a teenager with no faults.
“You didn’t go to school, right? You got beaten by teachers and got suspended.”
“It’s not that extreme.”
“Well, otherwise you wouldn’t have dropped out of university.”
“Seeing this doesn’t do anything helpful. I’ve done everything I should because my family’s values have taught me to stay within boundaries.”
Jaeyoung remained silent for a moment before inviting Sangwoo to watch a movie in the living room if he wasn’t going to sleep. Sangwoo had no reason to refuse, so he agreed. Initially, he thought they would sit on the sofa and watch together, but Jaeyoung instead spread a blanket on the floor and tossed a pillow down.
“Are you going to sleep?”
“Hmm.”
“Can’t I sit and watch?”
“Up to you, I’ll go to sleep.”
Jaeyoung lay down on his side, propped his pillow, and pulled Sangwoo’s ankles down to sit on the floor in front. Then the other person turned on the TV and opened a VOD [1] tab. The movie lineup appeared. Jaeyoung scrolled through the lineup continuously, but none of the movies were familiar to Sangwoo.
“Oh, it’s Spider-Man 6.”
“Do you want to watch this?”
“Yes.”
Actually, he could watch anything, but as soon as he saw something familiar, he thought of the time they went to the cinema together and blurted it out.
At that moment, the title appeared and the movie began to play. This version opened with a scene of a person falling into danger and calling for
Superman as usual. While comparing the scene they saw in the cinema, Jaeyoung’s hand touched his waist.
The other person’s hand slipped into his shirt and stopped around his lower back before returning to the back and sliding up along the spine. Sangwoo, who was originally sitting, straightened his back and gradually relaxed. When he turned his head, he saw that Jaeyoung was just staring at the TV screen without expression.
In the end, Sangwoo lay sideways, just like Jaeyoung in the scene where
Superman caught the falling train with his bare hands and saved the child. Since there was only one pillow, he used Jaeyoung’s arm as a headrest. Then the other person came and leaned against him tightly, hugging his waist firmly.
Sangwoo could feel the other person’s nose at the back of his neck, along with the hot breath that touched his skin, while the middle part of his body that was in contact with him was firm. But Jaeyoung only lightly brushed his hair or his arm. He didn’t do anything excessive, but even so, Sangwoo couldn’t concentrate, as this movie focused on fighting, he could somewhat follow the story, but if the plot was complex even a little, he probably couldn’t understand the connections between cause and effect at all.
Then the movie continued without him realizing it was already in the middle. It was a scene where Superman had to face a crisis because of Kryptonite, his weak point. Although Superman was in great distress, Sangwoo knew that somehow, by the end of the story, Superman would overcome all obstacles. Instead of watching a movie whose storyline he already knew, he chose to turn around and look at Jaeyoung who he didn’t know when he fell asleep.
This side seemed more interesting than a movie. Sangwoo moved closer to Jaeyoung until their noses touched and examined every corner of his face without thinking of looking back at the TV screen. He moved closer to Jaeyoung until their chests were close together, hugged his waist with both hands, and left the TV screen behind, then fell asleep.
When he woke up again, it was already three in the afternoon. The movie on the TV ended and other programs were airing instead.
When Sangwoo turned around, Jaeyoung’s eyes slowly opened, revealing warm eyes. The other person smiled weakly as soon as he woke up, then closed his eyes again and hugged Sangwoo tightly. He didn’t know why that image was so powerful that it made his heart beat so fast. Sangwoo kissed the corner of Jaeyoung’s lips with a feeling of overwhelming emotion.
He felt something strange, a clear feeling of the strong desire and profound sorrow that seemed to permeate his body, not a cool sadness but a passionate one. Every time his heart beat, it felt like a boiling feeling spreading throughout his body. The feeling of wanting to hug Jaeyoung tightly until he couldn’t bear it, the feeling similar to anxiety, made Sangwoo more absorbed in Jaeyoung and more attached to the other person.
‘Danger.’
He felt as if he was on the verge of destroying the border that had been kept intact. Sangwoo could feel the unsafe feeling enveloping him, and because it was so overpowering, he was afraid without even knowing why that feeling was dangerous, instead of just kissing passionately. Sangwoo paused, realizing his senses.
Jaeyoung slowly opened his eyes, revealing eyes that were shaking violently; it was clear that there was something that both Sangwoo desired and feared at the same time, and they were both trapped inside. They lay cuddling quietly, their eyes meeting.
“Do you have something to say?”
Sangwoo held back his impulsive questions. At the same time, he didn’t know why he asked such a question, because he both wanted to hear and didn’t want to hear the answer. Jaeyoung nodded slowly.
“I want to talk, but I’ll wait until you catch up.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
Jaeyoung just smiled, gazing at the view of the river in the park at dusk. The other had also spoken in a similar manner, saying there was something to say, but if Sangwoo agreed, he must escape because the words spoken were so terrifying. No matter how hard Sangwoo thought, he couldn’t figure it out.
In that moment, Jaeyoung’s lips pressed down again, the body that had been lying beside soullessly didn’t know when it had risen and was now pressing against his body. Sangwoo could clearly feel the intense desire within his body, as he hadn’t been intimate with the other party for six days. “Sangwooya.”
The purposeless call sounded gentle. Jaeyoung kissed Sangwoo’s arm and then sent his tongue to follow his neck. Sangwoo felt the urge to push the other party away, feeling agitated, but he tried to endure it while hugging Jaeyoung’s back.
At that moment, the large hand came to touch his abdomen before moving up to his chest and groping the sensitive area there. The touch from above was softer and more gentle than before, amidst the heightened desire.
Sangwoo felt sad.
“Sangwooya.”
Sangwoo couldn’t possibly know what the next words would be. At the same time, he felt overwhelmed with sadness. Sangwoo cupped both sides of Jaeyoung’s cheek, which was raised towards his temple, then separated his lips from the other’s body, and looked into their eyes, which were motionless.
Jaeyoung had a bewildered expression on his face.
“Don’t want to do it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what this feeling is.”
There was no way he did not want to do it, because every change that happened to Sangwoo’s body indicated sexual stimulation. If he continued like this, he would be able to deal with his desires. But Sangwoo didn’t want to do it for reasons he didn’t know. He stared at Jaeyoung’s face and looked at his messy dark brown hair above his forehead, his prominent nose, thick eyebrows, and big round eyes without eyelids before closing his eyes and planting a kiss. Jaeyoung exhaled forcefully through his nose, but at the same time, he maintained a quiet and calm posture.
‘I really don’t know.’
He didn’t have a relationship with the other party just to kiss like kids, even though he felt some conflicts. But Sangwoo still kept his lips close to his like that.
“Let’s call it a day for now.”
Then Sangwoo withdrew his lips and slightly raised his voice, causing
Jaeyoung’s eyes to slowly open and blink a few times. Then he spoke casually.
“Am I being too harsh?”
“I know. Both of us are in the same situation, so we can relax.”
“The reason is?”
“I don’t know. It’s a matter of feelings.”
Hearing that, Jaeyoung’s face showed an unusual expression before bursting into laughter. Even without saying it, he knew where those words came from. Jaeyoung leaned softly to the side.
“If that’s the case, then I have to understand you.”
Although the other party may get up and go somewhere, Sangwoo still lies there, not understanding his own decision, because it is a decision that is quite emotional. It’s not like him.
Sangwoo quickly got up before the sadness that had been suppressed for a while seeped back into his heart. Jaeyoung was drinking water in the kitchen.
“I’m going back home.”
“Stay for one more day and then go back.”
“I want to go back.”
Sangwoo stood up, walked over to Jaeyoung’s room, and after taking off his clothes, he went to look for his own clothes in the wardrobe and put them on his body. Jaeyoung stood leaning against the door frame, watching him change his clothes silently before speaking up.
“I’ll give you a ride.”
“I’ll take a taxi.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I want to see you for another minute, that’s all.”
Jaeyoung did not urge Sangwoo to stay or force him to have sex together, but he only prepared the car keys with a calm face. Sangwoo searched the drawer, picked up the shelf, and took out all the clothes that Jaeyoung had worn and went to the front door.
While in the car, Jaeyoung remained silent while driving for some distance.
Although he smiled a little when they made eye contact, he didn’t say anything. Sangwoo felt grateful to the other party because silence was really necessary at this time.
When the car arrived at the destination, Sangwoo thought that Jaeyoung might change his mind and go up, but he guessed wrong. Jaeyoung didn’t turn off the engine and waited for Sangwoo to get out of the car. Sangwoo picked up the bag that contained several clothes, his mobile phone, and wallet, and got out of the car before closing the car door. Jaeyoung softly called his name, which made him feel really good when he heard it.
“Why?”
“That outfit... suits you.”
“....”
“Go, don’t forget the homework I gave you.”
“I’m going now.”
Even though he took a small step and walked through the glass door, Sangwoo still didn’t step up the stairs. He stood and watched the car move out of the alley. return 0;
________________________________________.
[1] VOD, “Video on Demand,” is a system that provides convenience for users to choose to watch movies or moving images with sound as requested.