[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 35 Cyan #8.
Sangwoo’s eyes looked slightly agitated, but why was he pounding this hard? Jaeyoung pulled a chair closer to the table and positioned himself in front of the person, synchronizing their hands together.
“Yes. Hyungnim, should I call you that?”
Sangwoo paused for a moment before coughing twice and looked at Jaeyoung again, then spoke.
“You... if you see my suggestions as a joke, it must be difficult for you.”
“What’s so funny about it? I’m genuinely listening to every word carefully.”
“Then why do you keep making the same mistakes?”
“I’ll be careful, Hyungnim.”
“Did your “Enter” key on the keyboard break or something? You’re good at English, why do you keep typing it wrong? It’s not that difficult, pay attention a bit, okay? Huh?”
‘He’s even able to bring up work topics in a drinking circle. This kid is really something.’
Jaeyoung picked up a piece of gum and handed it to Sangwoo.
“Have this, hyungnim.”
Sangwoo chewed the gum deliberately before swallowing and continued speaking.
“And... you, do you secretly skip steps because you don’t follow the work schedule? The deadlines keep getting pushed back.”
“Doing that sometimes has its benefits. And I apologize a little, I’ll take responsibility and do everything later myself.”
“Just in words?”
“No. Today, I worked before coming here.”
He lied. Today, Jaeyoung had been preoccupied with thoughts of Sangwoo and hadn’t done anything at all, but he was confident that he would do something someday, although he didn’t know when that would be true.
“Invite me to play Yaja Time to mock me, my dear Sangwoo-hyung.”
Sangwoo raised an eyebrow. Jaeyoung quickly reached out and fed the yakult to the other person’s mouth, then glanced through. The other person seemed fine, but with this look, Sangwoo himself seemed drunk too, his eyes appearing slightly relaxed. Even when he opened his mouth to receive it and closed it gracefully, he couldn’t maintain the perfect image, far from the robotic appearance in normal times.
“I want to hear you speak politely, you rude guy.”
“Oh, really? Then, hyungnim, have a glass of Soju.”
Jaeyoung lifted Sangwoo’s Soju glass and touched the edge of his own lips. Sangwoo drank it calmly, after swallowing what was in his mouth, he pointed his finger at Jaeyoung.
“Here you go, Jang Jaeyoung.”
“Yes, please go ahead and say it.”
“You crazy bastard... You know, right?”
“Of course, I know very well.”
Sangwoo laughed softly before hugging his chest and turning away.
“You...crazy...come write another person’s face.”
“That’s right. I’m really terrible. Why am I able to do that to your face?”
“So, you mean they didn’t manipulate the drinks... That’s a clear profitdriven manipulation, huh? Ever heard of Heo Sangjun[1]? Do you know about it?”
“That’s right. It’s an eye-opening office protecting consumers for real. I’m realizing my mistake.”
“You trash...”
“I’m just human trash who can’t be really recycled. Would you like me to kneel down for you?”
From his seat, Sangwoo quickly lifted his upper body. He then placed his arms crossed on the table and rested his chin on them, his elbows pushing the yakult plate to the side. If Jaeyoung didn’t catch it, it would have fallen to the floor.
Because Jaeyoung himself was sitting close to the table, their faces were very close. The brim of the other party’s hat grazed against his forehead. Jaeyoung leaned down, resting his chin on his arm like Sangwoo. When his eyes that were concealed by the hat were revealed, his heart raced faster. Every time Sangwoo blinked, his eyelashes fluttered up and down, and the corners of his lips gradually moved.
“You...if you’re not handsome, you can’t do anything.”
“Even if your appearance is not good, a garbage human like me should just die, right?”
“I know this.”
His slightly drifting eyes, affected by the drunkenness, carefully examined Jaeyoung’s face. No matter where their eyes looked, they felt a warmth rising.
Sangwoo’s gaze paused at the forehead before moving to the nose, ears, neck, and chin. And it stopped at the corner of the lips. Sangwoo lowered his gaze, and Jaeyoung could see that the other party’s lips were revealed.
“My face will be ruined soon. Sangwoo.”
Sangwoo lowered his eyes even more, almost closing them. He took advantage of the moment to reach out and grab a bottle of soju and pour it into Jaeyoung’s glass. Jaeyoung took the glass back and drank half without hesitation before speaking.
“Am I handsome?”
Sangwoo pretended not to hear and filled Jaeyoung’s glass with soju.
Jaeyoung lifted the glass back to replace his answer and drank it all at once.
“Am...I handsome?”
Jaeyoung spoke softly and slowly, gazing into Sangwoo’s black eyes, eyes that were slightly forgetful and lacked their usual intensity.
‘What are you thinking? If I guess correctly, you must want me.’ Then Sangwoo finally responded in a soft voice.
“Yes.”
Jaeyoung blinked slowly, feeling a jolt of emotion surge from his heart throughout his body, unaware, aiming to investigate the danger of this relationship, to make sure it fades away. Jaeyoung drank more soju, perhaps because of that, he could only think about it.
He placed his hand on the table and stood up, his body slightly trembling but still maintaining an upright posture. Then he pushed the table that separated them to the side and took a step closer to Sangwoo. Sangwoo raised his head and saw the other side’s face clearly.
“Sangwoo.”
“What is it?”
“Can you take it off?”
“...”
His flushed face wasn’t because of the effects of alcohol, he believed that conflicting feelings in his heart were saying, ‘No.’
“What are you thinking? I mean the hat.”
He pulled off the hat without permission. When he saw Sangwoo’s surprised expression, a feeling of joy welled up in his heart. The other side was not the protagonist in a manga who changed so drastically just by taking off glasses. No, he was just a slightly shy boy, but even his suppressed soul screamed like that. Jaeyoung didn’t listen.
The black eyes perfectly contrasted with the fair skin, creating a distinct image that is both refined and unrefined. What’s more, there were glimpses of eyes that never appeared indifferent. Chu Sangwoo, surrounded by a distorted filter fueled by alcohol and emotions, was no different from an incubus [2] that ignited an overwhelming sense of fantasy.
“Are you not going to fly in rage?”
Jaeyoung’s voice was softer than usual, he was standing right in front of Sangwoo, unable to control anything... Whether it was his tone, facial expression, genitals, or anything else.
“Give it back, please.”
Those pairs of eyes glanced up, his hand nervously touched his horse-like hair, such a face, there was no way for me to return the hat nicely.
“Give it back, will you?”
“If I say no, what will you do?”
“Told you to give it to me.”
“Oh, angry again.”
“You… playing with something that sets boundaries!”
Sangwoo stood up abruptly, his body not too short or too tall, just average height. Jaeyoung liked that Sangwoo had to raise his head to meet his gaze, and he liked that he had to slightly lower his face to look down from above, his chest moving with hot breath.
He waited for Sangwoo to reach out for the hat, and in that moment, he firmly held the other side’s wrist, locking their forearms together. He looked into Sangwoo’s confused eyes from a close distance. Sangwoo glanced down at the floor.
“Hey, fuck...”
Jaeyoung had just heard Sangwoo’s vulgar language for the first time, and the voice of the other party was as low as his own.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I didn’t mean you.”
Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung with fierce eyes, refusing to back down. Jaeyoung stood still, took a deep breath, wanting to touch the other party’s body until he couldn’t resist.
“Sangwoo-ya.”
“Yes.”
Jaeyoung slowly raised his right hand, aiming for Sangwoo’s cheek. Then, using the tip of his thumb, he gently brushed against the corner of the other party’s cheek. Jaeyoung could feel through his skin that Sangwoo’s body was trembling.
“Just a warning... don’t call me ‘hyung’.”
“Yes.”
“If you dare to call me like that again...”
“Yes, hyung?”
Jaeyoung clenched his fist, and this time Sangwoo did not look away.
“You’re damn handsome.”
Jaeyoung bit his lower lip, feeling his heart sink. His hand moved like a snake, descending towards the neck he had been watching. Then he wrapped it around the warm base of the neck, pulled it towards himself slightly, and stopped before their foreheads touched.
The face in front of him looked hot, with deep black eyes looking at him without a hint of embarrassment. Jaeyoung’s weak consciousness was diminishing, but he was fortunate not to forget who the other party was.
“Just so you know. In one minute, I’ll kiss you.”
The final rule he didn’t forget, a gesture that was just a superficial ritual, unrelated to the depths of the heart.
“If you want to escape, do it now.”
A heavy, lingering breath, each exhale producing a sound similar to a sigh coming from their mouths. The touching skin felt only warmth, surrounding them like an invisible flame. One of their gazes flickered for a moment. Jaeyoung looked at that image without consciousness. Sangwoo held Jaeyoung’s shirt on his chest with a weak hand and pulled him closer to himself.
‘Forty-eight seconds left.’
Sangwoo slowly closed his eyelids and pressed his lips against Jaeyoung’s lips, just like yesterday.
Pop, Fuse blown.. Jaeyoung provocatively pulled Sangwoo’s head and tugged him closer to seek, tilting his head slightly and swallowing the edge of the other party’s lips. He sent his tongue into that mouth. The other party was surprised but responded in the same way.
From that moment on, he couldn’t see or hear anything else. He could only feel the distinct sensation of overlapping lips, entangled tongues, and synchronized breaths. That warm feeling was devoid of purity; it was both wild and rough, filled with an intense desire that couldn’t be replenished in an instant.
The kiss, devoid of romantic nuances or conclusions, had only one climax from beginning to end. Perhaps that was why both hurriedly separated from each other even at the end. Sangwoo wiped his mouth with his sleeve and took a deep breath, while Jaeyoung stood leaning against the wall, adjusting his breathing.
‘Damn, we almost ate their lips, huh?’ He thought his heart would stop beating.
____________________________.
[1] Heo Sangjun, “허생전.” or the Story of Heo Sang, is a novel set in the
Joseon period written by Park Ji-won of Yanam. It tells the story of the protagonist, ‘Heo Sang,’ who monopolizes all the necessary goods in the market in order to control prices.
[2] Incubus is the name of a male demon believed to come and sleep with women during their deepest slumber to engage in sexual activities. If it is a female demon, it is called Succubus.
Chapter 36 <101>.
‘Let’s make a game together. I need a skilled designer.’
‘Um... alright, I understand.’ Completion according to plan.
Sangwoo shot two birds with one stone; he obtained the most talented designer in the university and successfully pulled Jang Jaeyoung back into his life. This was the best start he could come up with. If everything went as planned, he would be able to create another game and regain control over his own abnormal behavior.
That was an accurate analysis because the minor issues that arose when Jaeyoung disappeared slowly dissipated when he reappeared and had another encounter with the other party. The night of his determination to attend classes and read books in the library for only a few hours came back again. Sangwoo spent four hours studying and devoted all the remaining time to game development.
Because there was a meeting in the afternoon, he felt restless in the morning. As the time for the meeting approached, he felt increasingly worse. In the last 30 minutes or so, he felt so bad that he sweated in his hands and his heart raced.
He immersed himself in the first meeting, researching the latest information and typing up necessary documents meticulously. He also stopped by the convenience store to buy various snacks and kept them unpacked. However, he was disappointed with Jaeyoung’s attitude. Being late for twelve minutes might be a habit, but his expression and tone were unusually tense. Although the other party did not appear as intimate or clingy as before, it didn’t seem like they would cooperate on the project.
It was midnight, the appointed time. No matter how Sangwoo refreshed his email inbox, there was no draft sent according to the agreement. When he borrowed the landline phone from the neighboring house and called the other party, he heard a billiard ball sound in the background. The next day, he realized that the other party hastily sketched out the concept art. He didn’t pay attention, but it made Sangwoo feel even more disappointed.
‘I’ll do it again.’
However, Sangwoo couldn’t refuse Jaeyoung’s request. He regretted wasting the whole day, and it was time to start taking action. But just when he confronted the other party directly and asked for an explanation, the other party requested more time. He gave up his weekend off for that.
Temporary names: Vegie Venturer, Veggie Venturer.
But then, during the Tuesday meeting, Jaeyoung came with something impressive—a side-scrolling shooting game with jump action. Although it wasn’t a completely novel idea, it had its uniqueness. The concept art looked complete, as if it were already released. Moreover, the document included appropriate descriptions of all the components. Sangwoo really liked Jaeyoung’s plan.
One of the two characters in the concept art caught Sangwoo’s attention. The character had eye-catching hair color and a cute face. If Jaeyoung became a character in the game, he must have looked exactly like this—Sangwoo thought that Jaeyoung would like other characters, but Sangwoo insisted on using this character because he believed that people would like a beautiful and adorable character like this.
With the plan in place, the work progressed smoothly. He worried that Jaeyoung might forget this or that, but the other party’s work skills were impeccable. The problem didn’t lie with the project but elsewhere.
“You’ve never been to Sin Gam Gwang, right? Come along, let’s go see my workspace and have a cup of tea.”
The problem was entering that messy room. Just having a five-minute meeting without any issues would be enough, but because of his curiosity about what Jang Jaeyoung’s workspace looked like, he followed the other party. Even though he had imagined the worst, after opening the door, Sangwoo encountered the most horrifying place in the world.
The cluttered workspace had too many things, mostly junk that even the owner himself didn’t know what they were for. In one corner of the room, there was a woman wearing colorful clothes, raising her eyebrows, wearing a neck brace, and rolling her eyes to the sound of strange music. Sangwoo felt like folding up the entire room and throwing it in the trash. How could the other party work in such a chaotic room?
Besides having multiple personality disorders and the habit of constantly changing personalities, there were mental illnesses, sadists, and human cancers. He never thought he was wrong—his personality was garbage, lazy, selfish, malicious, attention-seeking. And this was another mess in the sewer. The only thing Sangwoo liked about the other party was their design and drawing skills. If it weren’t for their abnormal physical appearance, he probably wouldn’t associate with such a person. Sangwoo complained silently while helping the other party clean up.
When the cleaning was done, the office looked somewhat presentable. At that moment, Sangwoo noticed the posters hanging on the wall, perhaps because he had seen Jaeyoung’s works frequently, so he saw other black and white images. Only Jaeyoung’s works stood out with vibrant colors. Now, Sangwoo was studying Jaeyoung, wondering in which year those posters were made.
The spectacle-wearing person with a hazy gaze, who switched to a focused and sharp-eyed individual when starting work, controlled two different devices proficiently, moving them in the most efficient manner. The eyes enhanced various facial expressions. In normal times, he became a meticulous supervisor, examining the steps and results accurately. That was Sangwoo’s feeling when he realized he had entered the workspace of a true expert.
He thought that five minutes seemed too short for a meeting. Then, five minutes turned into an hour, and one hour turned into three and a half hours. Even though he was aware of the strange reactions his body might have, he persisted. Although he had to endure the annoyance of repeatedly cleaning the space that had been pre-set to be cluttered and often had peculiar women in one corner of the room, Sangwoo began to dislike leaving the workspace.
During the two weeks of working together, Sangwoo gathered new information and learned that Jaeyoung had a twin brother. Jaeyoung was close to his grandfather. In addition to Korean, Chinese, and English, Jaeyoung was also fluent in sign language and French. Jaeyoung didn’t like swimming.
Jaeyoung frequently changed the desktop wallpaper to female celebrities. Jaeyoung preferred books over comics. Jaeyoung liked movies more than comic books. Jaeyoung could tolerate everything but not eat unappetizing food. Jaeyoung preferred cats over dogs. Jaeyoung was enthusiastic about cyberpunk themes. Jaeyoung was not good at playing games and many other things.
Sitting upright in the seat of someone who had gone through military service, Sangwoo always felt the presence of Jaeyoung. He absorbed information from the other side, secretly recorded and memorized it. His ears stored the replay of the sounds before going to sleep. Every day, he would glance through, around, and directly at Jaeyoung’s face, observing him without being noticed. Sangwoo felt as if he could close his eyes and draw a picture of Jaeyoung. Even though he didn’t possess that ability. Sangwoo gradually succumbed to Jaeyoung’s influence, slowly like being poisoned by heavy metals [1].
When it reached that point, he should have stopped, even after sixteen days of working with Jaeyoung, a Friday that marked complete deterioration. Sangwoo couldn’t forget that day.
On that day, Sangwoo planned small things such as rewards for each stage, leveling up status, attack power, and HP[2] of NPCs, as well as the level of difficulty. As for Jaeyoung, he completed two or three large UI tasks. Jaeyoung sat in his chair for hours, only getting up from it after submitting his work and wandering aimlessly to his bed, where he collapsed. Usually, he would lie down, play with his mobile phone, talk nonsense, or listen to music. But on that day, he must have been unusually tired, so he lay on his side and closed his eyes.
Fifteen minutes later, Sangwoo turned to call him, but Jaeyoung was still sound asleep. The other party had said he would only sleep for fifteen minutes. So Sangwoo should have woken him up, but why... Sangwoo turned back to his own work as if he hadn’t seen the time. Then time passed and it was already 4:00 AM, time to go home.
‘It’s time for me to go back now.’
No response, it was clear that Jaeyoung was fast asleep. Sangwoo had already slung his backpack on and could have left, but he walked towards the bed for a mysterious reason.
‘Senior, are you asleep? Are you... really asleep?’
He changed the question to confirm that Jaeyoung was indeed sound asleep.
At the same time, he slowly moved closer step by step.
Sangwoo stopped by the face of the sleeping person and stared silently. His messy hair made it difficult to see his eyes clearly. Sangwoo gradually sat down, leaning closer to Jaeyoung’s face. The closer he got to Jaeyoung’s face, the stronger his slightly suffocating heartbeat became. It felt like his heart was being squeezed, similar to a heart attack. Sangwoo unconsciously loosened the tension in his body and used his fingertips to brush away the messy hair of the other person, looking calm.
Then he thought, ‘Looks good.’ That was the simplest thought. He felt like he could sit and stare at that place all day without getting bored. He wanted to possess the other person, to touch their eyelids, the tip of their nose, and even their lips. Sangwoo’s gaze fixed on the slightly parted lips of Jaeyoung.
Sangwoo watched quietly before realizing that he had misunderstood something. It wasn’t something he wanted to touch with his hands, but he wanted to do something else. This made him agitated. It was something he would never do if Jaeyoung was awake. It was only a brief moment, a small opportunity that he had. A crime that no one would know if he kept his mouth shut. He acted decisively, doing something he wouldn’t do in normal circumstances.
Sangwoo leaned closer to Jaeyoung’s sleeping face and pressed his own lips against the other person’s lips. Then he retreated.
After taking a few steps, he slumped down and sat leaning against the wall in the hallway of the office. He felt a sense of relief, consciousness, self-control, happiness, decision-making, and humaneness that he had maintained for fifteen years without any problems collapsing all at once.
‘No problem, no one knows.’
Sangwoo recited lines from the protagonist of a crime novel and headed back home, fooling himself into thinking that nothing had happened. He ignored the pounding heart and closed his eyes.
But the difficulty didn’t end there. While his mind was crumbling, an incident that would bring him to his knees occurred the next day.
‘Oh, come out. Let’s go together.’
When his heart raced after seeing the smiling face of the guy at the internet cafe through the storefront, he realized that something abnormal had happened and thought he should escape. This group often lived with regrets later on. His decision-making skills would cause serious problems without fail.
[printf[3]”No, I’m busy, and I don’t want to see your face, hyungnim.
Goodbye.”;]
He was confident that he had fed the information like that, but the result turned out to be...
‘Sure, where am I going?’
That result led to a major accident.
Sangwoo picked up his hat and put it on, then walked towards the cashier calmly. He paid half the bill and left the restaurant, running all the way back home. After brushing his teeth, washing his face, and changing clothes, he crawled under the blanket. But even that didn’t mean that what he had done disappeared.
He kicked the blanket hard, causing it to fly up to the ceiling and fall down, covering his face. Sangwoo’s body trembled in the darkness.
‘Am I becoming slaves of love?’
‘Do I have to graduate from this university?’
‘Do I still have value to keep living or not?’
That day, he was disturbed by numerous questions, to the point of exhaustion.
The strong sexual desires that manifest in an individual during adolescence. Sangwoo remembered the soft heartbeat that occurred on the bus when a girl walked by with a pleasant scent. In high school, he secretly admired a beautiful teacher, and as an adult, he had officially dated someone of the opposite sex once, but he had never experienced such intense desire before ‘the kind that would want to do that super sexual thing to the other person while they sleep, the kind that he loses self-control in someone else’s workplace’.
Moreover, Jaeyoung is not a woman. When it comes to men, he has encountered countless experiences, both in all-boys middle school, all-boys high school, engineering faculty, and the military, but Sangwoo has never encountered such a case where he felt like this before. It is an occurrence that he never even thought about, just like when his father married his mother, or when his aunt married his uncle. Sangwoo thinks that one day he will hold hands with a woman, kiss, have sex, and get married.
But there is one person who acts like an Error in that equation, who has already taken control of one of those steps.
[1] Heavy Metal Poisoning occurs when certain metals accumulate in the body through food, water, industrial chemicals, or other sources. [2] Hit Point “HP” is the life force value of a character in a game.
[3] The printf” function, also known as “print format.” is used to display data on a screen, whether it be characters, text, numbers, or variable values.
Chapter 37 <110> #1.
Sangwoo was on his way back home after finishing his part-time job. Yesterday’s incident had made him feel uneasy all day, and every tired and irritating step drained his energy. As he walked into the alley in front of his house, Sangwoo genuinely felt like collapsing onto his bed.
There was a person sitting disrespectfully in front of the building, wearing gray sports pants and a bright yellow hoodie, with a hood covering their head, and chewing bubblegum. On the other hand, it looked like an arcade game machine. Bubbles popped out of its mouth before it burst loudly.
It was unbelievable that he had kissed that person twice now and Sangwoo wasn’t in the mood to talk to the other party, so he hurriedly walked towards the apartment entrance. But before he could enter, Jaeyoung, who had been sitting still without moving, walked over and blocked the door, lifting his leg to block it. Just as Sangwoo thought of crossing over, the backpack on the back of his jeans was grabbed and pulled back until he stumbled.
‘This is sexual harassment.’
Because the other party’s hand touched his hip, at this time he wanted to speak out like that, but unfortunately, Sangwoo didn’t have the right to speak.
“Just like that, where are you going? Are you crazy?”
Jaeyoung stood up and blocked the door, observing the atmosphere and demeanor of the other party. It wouldn’t be surprising if he was scolded. Sangwoo calmly looked for a loophole. If he really decided to act, he could break through, but he might get caught while entering the door code.
“Why shouldn’t you have any principles like this? If you kissed someone twice, shouldn’t you have to explain something? How is what you did different from sexual harassment?”
“...”
He checked several times to make sure the other party was really asleep. Then how did the other party know? Sangwoo hesitated before speaking.
“The first time... I have nothing to say. I was wrong, I apologize. As for the second time, it can be considered a mistake on both sides, so let’s pretend nothing happened.”
“Mistake on both sides?”
“Well, hyung you came and touched my face first... And then spoke in a strange manner, saying it was a mistake caused by alcohol. Normally, I’m not someone who does things without thinking, but because I was drunk...”
Jaeyoung just stared at Sangwoo. When the other party smiled, his face looked lively, but when he put on a blank face, it seemed devoid of any real emotion. Sangwoo felt uncomfortable seeing the cold gaze of the person in front of him.
“Do I need to apologize?”
“Yes. Let’s apologize to each other and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
The corners of Jaeyoung’s lips twisted into a forced smile, but his eyes remained cold.
“What should I do? I don’t feel guilty at all. And I can’t guarantee that I won’t do it again in the future.”
However, what came back was an unexpected answer. Even though Sangwoo was confident that the other party must consider this a mistake and want to overlook it, he hesitated before speaking.
“Why? What’s good about it is that you, hyung, can speak without feeling embarrassed...”
“It’s not a mistake. And why do you have to try to overlook it? Don’t you feel like I do?”
“Feel what? It’s just an abnormal sexual desire.” Jaeyoung blinked as he heard something unexpected.
“Abnormal sexual desire...?”
“The complex biological mechanism of human development has evolved into a form of experiencing sexual feelings to produce offspring of the second generation. Although I think it is an inefficient method, it is true that humankind exists and reproduces through the process of heterosexual mating and complex pregnancy. The desire for same-sex attraction is just an illusion without meaning. It does not contribute to survival or evolution at all.” Jaeyoung blew so many balloons that they turned into big ones and popped, making it difficult to tell what he was thinking.
“So, did I come here to study biology?”
Jaeyoung tilted his head, seemingly not listening to the explanation at all.
“No need to talk much, answer first. Did you go up yesterday or not?”
“What do you mean, ‘go up’?”
“What do I mean? It’s your reproductive organs down there, hyung That’s the one.”
Sangwoo didn’t think he would be asked such personal questions, but he also thought there was nothing he couldn’t answer. Sexual desire is a human instinct. Even if there were mistaken pairings, sexual desire is not something to be ashamed of.
“I don’t plan on denying my own desires. If it’s with you, hyung, my reproductive organ is often stiff.”
“...Use appropriate language.”
“Then what can change? The chance of your chromosome Y changing to X is
0%, already.”
Carving with a carving, positive with positive, north pole with north pole, it’s all impossible. Sangwoo took a deep breath and continued.
“If you’re going to be direct, let’s just say it like this for a while. It’s just a temporary state, it will get better on its own, but right now something went wrong and I can’t control my own desires, sometimes it might take some time, because until now I’ve been attached to you, hyung, but even so I don’t want to leave Veggie Avengers.”
Jaeyoung just laughed out loud.
“You don’t want to see my face, but you still want to use my design, right?”
“Even if we have to work remotely, it’s okay, but I want to finish it. So, please don’t withdraw. I’m begging you.”
Jaeyoung put his hand on his hood and turned around, his face devoid of words, and took a step closer, causing Sangwoo to step back.
“Just look at yourself, you must have a brain structure abnormality. Don’t you think I’ll feel uncomfortable?”
“Are you uncomfortable, hyung?”
Jaeyoung stepped closer. Sangwoo stepped back.
“In a situation like this, do you still want to create games? Why are you thinking on your own, you rude kid? Shouldn’t you ask about my feelings or thoughts?”
“What are you thinking, hyung?”
Sangwoo’s face showed dissatisfaction. As the other party accelerated towards him, he quickly stepped back.
“Hey, are you doing this on purpose to tease me?”
“I asked because I genuinely didn’t know.”
Finally, Jaeyoung stopped his footsteps, his face turned away slightly, and he took a deep breath with a loud sigh.
“How can I stop now? You want me to let you off like this and continue making the game? It’s not possible anymore!”
“If you control your sexual desires. And...”
“Damn it. I can’t do that.”
“Calm down. I’m a man.”
Sangwoo spoke in that way and felt like a fool, Jaeyoung smirked. Even now, Sangwoo thought the other party looked good. At the same time, he felt helpless.
“I don’t care about evolution and chromosomes. I’m not like you. I don’t define who I am, what I will do tomorrow. What matters most is what is here right now.”
Jaeyoung pointed to his chest and took a step closer, his shoulders seemed wider as they reflected the light from the streetlamp. Sangwoo felt a growing fear.
“Whether it’s abnormal attraction or whatever. I hope it attracts me. But even so, because you’re a man, because you’re someone who breaks the rules a little, I get nervous. I pay attention to that. I’m not a gentleman, but what about you? Don’t you know that this is not just about you, but about us?”
Finally, Sangwoo touched the wall without realizing it, his terrifying thoughts made his white brain go blank, and he had some techniques to fight against someone bigger coming into his mind.
‘When did he get this close?’
While Sangwoo was panicking, Jaeyoung got even closer, their lips were only inches apart. Sangwoo became more afraid, thinking that if it continued like this, what happened yesterday might happen again.
“You’re the one who switches on and off by yourself, so don’t tell me to stop in the middle. Who are you to...?”
‘Right now!’
Sangwoo used his elbow to push Jaeyoung’s waist with all his strength and escaped.
“Hey, crazy guy, we are still talking! Come here right now.”
He heard screams from behind but continued to run towards the building, although the distance was too short to increase his speed. Sangwoo was then grabbed by Jaeyoung and held firmly against the dirty glass door.
Jaeyoung locked Sangwoo’s neck and attempted to grab one of his arms from behind. Sangwoo resisted and fought back to free his neck from the hold. On the other side, he elbowed Jaeyoung in the stomach. The two struggled and grappled with each other.
“Let go!”
Sangwoo kicked his leg back, hoping to trip the person behind him, but Jaeyoung relied on his different body size and hugged Sangwoo tightly. They both fell down together. Jaeyoung fell on his back and let out a painful cry. Sangwoo contemplated taking advantage of that moment and tried to headbutt the other person, but Jaeyoung had already used his legs to lock Sangwoo’s waist and flipped him over.
‘Damn it. If only I had a piece of wood.’
Their bodies were not much different in size, but it was strange that he found himself in a situation where he couldn’t exert any force. When Sangwoo regained his senses, he realized he was lying on the floor helplessly, and someone else was embracing him. Jaeyoung pressed his lower thighs tightly against Sangwoo’s calves, holding both of Sangwoo’s wrists on either side.
Sangwoo forgot his wrestling skills and fell into a deep sleep.
“What are you going to do?”
“That’s right, who’s running away? I’m talking about something important here.”
Jaeyoung exerted force with his hands, and the person on top had the advantage. In this position, lying like this, no matter how much strength was exerted, the other person couldn’t shake him off.
“Now, do you feel like talking?”
“What is there to talk about? I have nothing to say.”
“Hey, look at me.”
“...”
“Forget it, if you can’t talk then we can kiss.”
Sangwoo raised his head immediately, his heart pounding wildly. He didn’t know if it was because their bodies were too close or because the other person’s face was too near. Although Sangwoo didn’t want to show it, his chest tightened rapidly. He thought of the Korean national anthem in his mind. While Jaeyoung started speaking earnestly, unaware of what Sangwoo was thinking.
“Listen carefully, I’ve already told you that even if you’re a man, I don’t care. Choose whether you want to start with me or end everything, including the game. And then we don’t have to meet again, no middle ground.”
“Start what?”
“What do you think?”
The light from the streetlamp reflected on Jaeyoung’s cheeks. His eyes gleamed with a special orange light, and the words of the other person were difficult to interpret. Sangwoo could somewhat guess why the person in front of him was angry and what they were about to do, but he had to confirm to be sure.
“So, hyung are you going to do that... Do that to me?”
The final words that came out of his mouth were more muffled than he had expected. Moreover, his voice was lacking and intermittent.
“Do that? What do you mean?”
“Even if I’m a man, if you, hyung, hold hands, kiss, have sex, and pretend to be like a heterosexual couple to satisfy sexual desires, what about that?”
“Pretending to be in a relationship? Is that...”
Jaeyoung raised his clenched hand and gently touched Sangwoo’s wrist, lowering his face close enough to create shadows on Sangwoo’s eyes.
“Let me ask you one thing. What do you think being in a relationship means?”
“Being in a relationship between a man and a woman to develop towards marriage. Like a trial version of a program, you know?”
“Oh, so two men can’t do it then?”
“Is that a question?”
At that moment, both hands were set free. Jaeyoung released Sangwoo’s wrists and sat down on the ground with a face devoid of words. His skin, bathed in the light from the streetlamp, cast a full orange shadow. Jaeyoung spoke softly.
“Wait, let me think for a moment. If you run away, you’ll definitely die.”
Jaeyoung spat out a cherry pit and tossed it into the trash can before pulling out a cigarette from his pocket, just as the tip of the cigarette ignited in the darkness. Smoke escaped from his mouth and wafted into the air, as Jaeyoung’s cheeks puffed up and deflated repeatedly. Sangwoo stood up, then knelt down, keeping a slight distance from the other party.
________________________________________.
Chapter 38 <110> #2.
Sangwoo remained silent until Jaeyoung finished smoking a cigarette. The other party used the heel of his shoe to extinguish the cigarette and then raised his hand to wipe his face as if washing it. Not sure if Sangwoo was looking at the time, but he felt like only a short while had passed. When the waiting time came to an end, Sangwoo locked eyes with Jaeyoung.
“Okay, it’s clear then. If you understand just that, then it can be called desire.”
Jaeyoung murmured with a cool smile, flicking his finger as a signal to come closer. The other party didn’t smile at all, which made Sangwoo feel slightly tense.
“Hurry up before I get angrier than this.”
Sangwoo slowly crawled on his knees towards the other party, while Jaeyoung only flicked his fingers with a cool gaze. Sangwoo kept moving forward until there was a distance of about one table’s width between them, then he stopped.
“What’s the matter?”
Suddenly, Jaeyoung lifted his hips and moved forward, grabbing Sangwoo’s hand from the floor and holding it firmly before he could react, causing Sangwoo to stiffen.
“I’ve got your hand now.”
The young man extended his hand and cupped Sangwoo’s cheek, slowly tracing the edge of his lips with his thumb.
“Kissed and done.”
Sangwoo felt a shiver and took a small step back, but Jaeyoung tilted his head back and wrapped his arms around him once again, the whispered words of the other party sending chills down Sangwoo’s arms.
“So now it’s just about sex, right? Isn’t that so?”
Sangwoo’s cap bumped into Jaeyoung’s forehead before falling back and following it with a loud thud. It was difficult to tell from their soft, light-colored eyes whether they were mocking, taunting, or genuinely making a heartfelt offer. Moreover, Sangwoo’s heart was pounding excessively, and his skin failed to regulate his body temperature, making it impossible for him to focus on rational thinking.
“I have two questions.”
Sangwoo struggled to gather his scattered consciousness and spoke.
Jaeyoung moved his mouth slightly, urging him to continue.
“First question, men can’t have sex together. If that’s the case, how do we satisfy our desires?...”
“It can be done.”
“Really? How?... What is it?”
“If you don’t know, then stay ignorant until I take care of it myself.”
“Why are you so confident? Have you ever tried it?”
“Yes, I have. Next question.”
Jaeyoung, who had been staring at Sangwoo almost piercingly, turned his face away. Sangwoo received no other answer besides the information that the other party had experienced on the men satisfying their desires towards each other. However, he decided to go on and explore further and moved on to the next question.
“Second question, what good can come from such an abnormal relationship?”
“Why don’t you think you would do it if you were in a fort surrounded by the enemy ?”
Jaeyoung replied softly, tightening the hands intertwined in a whisper.
“There are enemy soldiers camped outside. If we let them be like this, they will surround us, shoot arrows, cut off our water supply, and create chaos in every possible way. Well, there are two options now.” Jaeyoung’s index finger flicked up.
“I don’t care, I’ll be waiting for them to disappear on their own.”
Sangwoo remained silent, thinking that he already knew what the other party’s issue was, while Jaeyoung slowly raised his middle finger.
“Alright, if you were to go deal with those bastards, how do you prefer to handle it?”
“...”
“Originally, when there is a problem, we should approach the heart of that problem and eliminate the root cause as quickly as possible, shouldn’t we?
You seem like that kind of person.”
Sangwoo paused without saying anything, reminiscing about his experiences in graduate school. During that time, there were bees before the military problems, so he wore a chemical protection suit and caught the bees himself. Jaeyoung tapped his finger right around his heart.
“Two, if you had to go deal with those bastards yourself. How do you prefer to handle it?”
“...”
“Initially, when there’s a problem, we should get to the heart of that problem and eliminate the root cause as quickly as possible, right? You seem like someone who would do that.”
Sangwoo remained silent, his mind drifting back to his experiences during his twenties in the army. Back then, there were bees that invaded the military camp prior to a crisis, so he wore a chemical protection suit and caught the bees himself. Jaeyoung tapped his finger around his heart area as a sign of solidarity.
“If you want your desires to calm down, there’s only one way, don’t avoid it, don’t act indifferent. Try going all the way with me, see for yourself how it feels when you fully reach it, maybe the disturbing feeling you have might disappear.”
‘It sounds motivating. Plus, we can continue with the project.’
According to Sangwoo’s principles, he should reject that he couldn’t do it, and the majority opinion on the Internet says that ‘bed-friends’, meeting to satisfy sexual desires, is an immoral form of relationship. No matter how strong the sexual desire is. As a rational human being, he should overcome it, but when he listened to Jaeyoung’s standpoint, it had an unexpected rationale.
Above all, sweat was seeping out from his hands that were holding each other, and Sangwoo wanted to maintain that state. He wanted to look, to touch, to kiss, and to do more with Jaeyoung than that. It was a desire born in his heart that seemed like it wouldn’t easily disappear just by overlooking it.
Really? If you want to deal with desires, do you have to walk into the heart of it? It’s a pity that it’s an anxiety he has never experienced before, and therefore, he doesn’t have enough cushion to make a decision.
“First, let go of me first.”
Sangwoo pushed Jaeyoung difficulty, pulling his hand away, and he stepped back, distancing himself from the other party. Although it was a tempting offer, Sangwoo wasn’t someone who made important decisions based on momentary desires. He picked up his hat, put it on, and spoke.
“I need time to consider the proposal.”
“Okay, how long will it take then?”
“Two weeks.”
“Two weeks? Do you know that I don’t have much time?”
“I know, but next week I have mid-term exams. If you check the schedule, you’ll see that I don’t have any free time for two weeks. During that time, I will consider your proposal. As for graphic work, you can follow the schedule. And compress the files for upload through FTP[1] on the 26th of April.”
“You stubborn brat.”
After finishing his words, Sangwoo stood up, his hand still held by Jaeyoung. As he walked past Jaeyoung, the other party called out to him.
“Chu Sangwoo.”
“What’s the matter?”
“For you, is there something difficult?”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. Let’s discuss it in the next meeting.”
“Meaningless meeting.”
As he walked to the door, Sangwoo felt adrenaline coursing through his veins.
return 0;
For Sangwoo, the exam period was not much different from normal times. However, he was already reviewing the lessons every day. The exams just had a slightly increased amount of content to read. This semester, he had to try harder because initially he didn’t pay much attention to studying. But after Jaeyoung withdrew from the class in the second week, he gradually caught up with the lessons, so it wasn’t that difficult. As for the game, since there was no meeting scheduled, he had plenty of time to fully immerse himself and complete all the quests.
On Wednesday, Ru Jihye invited him to read a book together. Sangwoo thought that the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory” was his weak point, so he agreed and hoped for help from the other party. On Saturday, he took a break from his part-time job as it was during the exam period and had a date with a girl at the coffee shop she chose. They spent valuable time exchanging explanations of theory and checking each other’s understanding, as well as supplementing the missing content.
A busy week of exams passed by. Although most of them were written exams, there were some oral exams like the Chinese language course, and some subjects assigned assignments instead of exams. None of the subjects were overly difficult. In each semester, Sangwoo never missed the top rank in his class, counting only five subjects.
“It’s still difficult, isn’t it?”
After finishing the exam for the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory.” Jihye asked.
“Especially question 15, it requires knowing the origins of theories at the city level to answer correctly. Isn’t it too detailed, like setting up a test to answer it wrong?”
“But regarding question 22, it’s complicated.”
“Oh, really? Is it a critical commentary question using the ideas of modern postmodernism[2] with the concept of Adorno[3]? When we checked it before, you knew about these two perspectives, so why is it difficult?”
They discussed the exam in detail and went to have lunch at the cafeteria. Jihye had high expectations for the exam results as she was a dedicated student.
“From what I’ve heard, it seems like you can handle it better than me. If we remove question 22, which might cost some points, you won’t make any mistakes, right?”
“Well, maybe.”
“What if, I’ve explained everything to you, and you’ve done well on your own so far. Isn’t it too much now?”
“But if I deliberately answer incorrectly, you won’t be able to help me again, will you?”
Jihye pursed her lips, indicating that she didn’t understand the feelings of the other party who was sad but willing to help someone who understood the lessons less than herself. Sangwoo made a big decision to speak kindly to her because he understood deeply what someone once said, that humans are emotional beings.
“In the past, I was good at memorizing, but I didn’t grasp this subject well.
You’ve been able to explain it better.”
“Are you saying this seriously? Really?”
‘So, you want to hear some kind words twice.’
Sangwoo ignored the other party and continued eating. After finishing their meal, they stopped by a convenience store to buy coffee. Jihye followed him closely and grabbed a coffee can, then said:
“Oppa, let me help you study and I’ll even buy you coffee. Can you also listen to my request a little?”
“Is this some kind of trap?”
“Yes, you’ve indebted to me. Please listen to my request.”
Jihye sweetly smiled, looking a bit scary, and Sangwoo tried to guess what the other party would ask for. But all he could think of were requests like treating her to a meal or helping her carry something. It didn’t matter how much she asked for those kinds of matters.
“Alright, try telling me first.”
“During the festival, what will you be doing?”
When he heard unexpected words above his expectations, Sangwoo frowned slightly. He didn’t feel good about festivals. He had never participated in any festival activities, and usually, the university would have a week off during the festival, so he would find something useful to do with his time.
“I’m working, you know.”
“Oh, you already have something to do? But even so, I’ve helped you a lot already. Can I have one more day, please?”
“Why?”
“On Monday. Let’s go to the festival together.”
“Why?”
“I want to enjoy the festival, but I don’t have any friends to go with.”
“Why do you need friends to go with?”
“Stop asking, please. It’s my request. Just agree to it, okay? Hurry up.”
It was not a situation where Sangwoo could refuse. Jihye had helped him a lot, and if he refused this request, she would use elegant words to manipulate him. Reluctantly, Sangwoo agreed without enthusiasm, and upon hearing that, Jihye smiled and scheduled to meet at the main entrance at eleven o’clock.
return 0;
The exams are all finished. The exam results turned out as expected, except for the Cultural Theory subject, which was better than anticipated. The rest were not disappointing.
Sangwoo went out for meals, bought coffee, and took strolls, feeling more excited than usual.
During the busy two weeks, there was something missing from his life that used to be there. Because of its absence, he felt like he had done something wrong abnormally. His concentration decreased, but he had set a date to meet again, so he endured it for about one week. On his desktop, there was a folder named ‘Jang Jaeyoung’ as well.
‘Don’t avoid it, don’t ignore it. Try it out until the end with me and see how it feels. Maybe the unsettling feeling you have will disappear.’
The long exam period was an opportunity to test two ways of dealing with problems. If what Sangwoo felt was just a temporary confusion, it would disappear in two weeks. But if after the exams, that feeling still remained, he would have to confront it head-on. Sangwoo often avoided uncertainties, but the problem would still be a problem. There wasn’t much he could do now except wait in a state of uncertainty and be vigilant.
The experiment ended along with the exams. Sangwoo separated reasoning and emotions from each other and observed himself meticulously in his daily life. The results were clear. If he left the enemy soldiers outside the fortress without paying attention, they would become more aggressive and gain strength.
He missed the face of Jang Jaeyoung, the voice of Jang Jaeyoung, the gestures of Jang Jaeyoung, the facial expressions of Jang Jaeyoung, the tone of voice of Jang Jaeyoung, the scent of Jang Jaeyoung, thinking about everything that was different in each day of Jang Jaeyoung’s life, even things he used to hate at first. Even though he looked at the pictures and videos of the other person repeatedly and listened to Jaeyoung’s playlist before going to bed, the emptiness was not easily filled. The more he let go of his desires, the stronger they became each day, and there was a tendency for them to contaminate his mental world.
When one option becomes invalid and only one option remains, there are still two days left until the scheduled announcement date. However, Sangwoo made his decision earlier. He went to his office without saying a word. There was only one female design student in the room who was two years older than Sangwoo but in the same year.
“Jang Jaeyoung isn’t here.”
The girl wore a jacket full of animal fur, making her look like a stealthy hunter. She noticed Sangwoo’s posture and lowered the volume of the song playing. Tangled around the falling speakers were cables, a keyboard, a mouse, a tablet, phone charging cables, hard drives, computer screens, wires, USB cables, two power strips with four outlets, all scattered in one messy place.
“The speakers these days have short cables, huh?”
The stealthy hunter complained as she dealt with the fallen speakers. Sangwoo learned that if the question sounds silly, he had nothing to say. He sat down in an empty seat and looked automatically at Jaeyoung’s seat, cleaned up the trash, and picked up a cigarette box, lip balm, an umbrella case, earphones, and a lighter from the ashtray.
When he opened the ashtray, he saw something familiar. It was a 2,000-won notebook that Jaeyoung had forced Sangwoo to sell. He had been using this design notebook for several years, and there was no way he could forget it. It was the first week of the new semester back then, and now six weeks had passed without him realizing it, a time when Jang Jaeyoung followed him like stalking and maliciously taunted him. Sangwoo felt strangely nostalgic and opened the notebook to take a look.
________________________________________.
[1] FTP, short for File Transfer Protocol, is used for transferring large files from one server to another or from a user’s device to a server for file storage.
[2] Postmodernism, also known as the postmodern perspective or the postmodernist mindset, sometimes referred to as “postmodernity” or “the postmodern era.” is an intellectual, philosophical, cultural, social, musical, and other perspective that diverges from the traditional perspectives of the world.
[3] Theodor Adorno, a German philosopher and sociologist.