[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 19: Connection.
[Vee Vivis.]
“I'll take care of it myself, you bastard!” I looked at Mark's face as he shouted that sentence. My boyfriend trembled, and I was afraid he would go and hit Ton again. I held onto Mark tightly and looked at him, trying not to believe it. Everyone was silent. The room was silent. There was only the heavy breathing of Mark and the sobbing of Ploy.
“Mark....” I called out to him softly, and Mark turned back to look at me. The child only glanced at me for a moment before looking straight at Ploy.
“Keep the child with you. I will sign the guardianship[ guarantee myself.”
“Huh! Huh.” Ploy only cried, but this time it was different from every other time Ploy cried. Ploy cried because she felt relieved. She cried because she seemed to see a way out of this situation. I knew that Ploy was not a malicious person to the extent of hurting her own child, but the reason Ploy was like this was because Ploy had no one. There was no one to provide guidance. There was no one to consult with. As for the person she was with...he was a bastard.
“You are trying to act like a respectable man here, aren't you? You're still holding onto your husband.” Ton said, and this time it wasn't me who held onto Mark, it was he who pulled my arm instead.
“You damn hypocrite. Shut your mouth and go wherever you want.” I said.
“And what about it? Let me ask you...are you going to wait for nine months? Are you going to live with her? She is my wife, you bastard.”
“Stop it! If it's difficult, then let’s break up. Huh!” Ploy shouted.
“Ploy! Wasn't it you who said you don't want it? If you don't want it, just abort. Why listen to those idiots who have nothing to do with us.”
“What do you think....” Mark tried to say but couldn't finish his sentence. Because Mark probably couldn't find the right words to say to this villain. Not different from me just standing there, not knowing what words to use to curse him.
“You nosy bastards shouldn't interfere.”
“Phii Ton... I don't want it, but I...can't kill the child. I can't do it.” Ploy said, covering her face with her small hands and sobbing again.
“Then how will you tell your family? That your ex-husband is the father of the child?”
“She can just say that you're the one. Just have to say later that you're not taking responsibility.” Mark said, turning back.
“Stop nosing!”
“Phii Ton... don't blame him.”
“Why! What happened? Say it!” Ton walked over to Ploy, his strong arms grabbing her multiple times harder than Ploy, pulling her towards himself and cornering her with a loud voice.
“That hurt...”
“Mark, let me go.”
What the hell!
I once again stepped towards Ton's face, as he pushed Ploy away, but luckily Mark caught her in time. As for this insane person, he was grabbing my shirt collar, staring at me intensely, and I knew that he was just a possessive person who didn't want to let Ploy go, and didn't want to have a child with Ploy.
“Phii ploy, let's go.” Mark said, supporting Ploy out of the room.
I pushed Ton out and then turned to look at his face again. That tall figure looked at me before looking at Ploy and Mark, as if he was mourning, but he didn't show as much anger as he used to. I don't know why he is angry. I don't know why he has to be so dramatic just because he couldn't take care of another life, but he doesn't want to lose another person like that.
He’s so self-righteous.
“Ploy will never leave me. Ploy loves me.” That's what he said confidently before I left the room.
“I don't care about that! I only care about Mark wanting to help Ploy.” I said that.
“Is he your wife?” He asked, with a gaze that made me want to walk towards him.
“Oh, he is my wife.” I said like that, gave him a glance, and then walked out, leaving Ton in the room and focusing on the two people waiting outside.
“Let’s go back.” Mark said. So, I stopped walking, turned around, and led the way while letting those two people follow me quietly.
Everything remains silent. Ploy no longer cries, and Mark's breathing is calmer than before. I myself keep driving away from here with no destination in mind, and there might not be a destination for Ploy either. As for Mark sitting next to me, he only looks out the window.
It might get more complicated or it might get better. I think that's what Mark is thinking right now, along with the words he said back then, and now he's just starting to consider the consequences that will follow.
“Where should we go?” I turned to ask Mark. If it were normal, the two of us would be together on such a day, Saturday night, about to have some quality time this late, we should be able to sleep wrapped in each other's arms in the room, listening to each other's heartbeats inside, and then on Sunday, he would go back. After that, we would both be drowned in longing, waiting for the next Saturday to come, maybe Mark will have free time to come and find me, or maybe I will have free time to go and find Mark myself.
But not this Saturday.
The first time Mark came to find me. It wasn't the usual eating and cuddling as we had imagined. He had to come because of a misunderstanding, and he met this whole fiasco and now didn't know what to do. Even the person who started this whole thing seemed clueless. Mark didn't respond to me immediately, he turned to Ploy and then looked back at me.
“I... can go back there.” Ploy said slowly.
“What if he comes secretly, he won't do anything to you, right?” Mark turned back to ask Ploy.
“Well... that's my room.” Ploy said softly.
“Um... then we will handle the pregnancy matters first before going back to studying...”
“I don't want to.” Mark hadn't finished his sentence when Ploy interrupted. Speaking directly to the person who was trying to help. Even though the person was just a third-year student.
“You don't want it anymore. Will you abort like Ton did?” I asked back.
“I... I just...”
“Phii Ploy, if you made the baby come into existence, you should take responsibility, shouldn't you? He doesn't want anything to do with the baby anymore. Shouldn't the person take some responsibility? Will you leave the baby’s life like that?” Mark said in a rare long sentence from his mouth.
“Mark is right, Ploy.”
“But I don't want to take care of it. Don't want to be pregnant...”
“But you are pregnant.” Mark turned back and spoke sternly to Ploy.
“Mark, you don't understand how difficult it is to bear a child.” And Ploy's answer that came back, made my heart pause.
How would any man know how difficult it is for a woman?? We don't get pregnant, and we don't bear children. Even though we knew that nine months would be tough, we can't go and find out how tough it would be. It's something Mark and I know well, but we are both worried and feel worse than letting Ploy do what she wants.
“Yes, I don't understand, but do you understand how sinful it is to harm someone's life?” Mark said back.
“I'm not ready to have it. Not ready to take care of it, so what's the use of keeping it?” Ploy asked back.
Each person had a firm and confident voice that what they said was right. Of course, I agreed with both of them. If you're not ready to have a child, you shouldn't get pregnant, but if you're going to abandon or harm the child like that, it's pitiful.
Silence fell again when Mark didn't respond with anything. He turned to look at me for a moment before turning back to look at the mirror again. It was dark in the evening, but in Bangkok, there are still lights that everyone says are beautiful. Beautiful but chaotic.
“Tonight, let's go to my house first.”
“Mark.” I turned back to look at him, and he just stood there, facing me.
“Follow me this way, my house is the closest. It's getting late.” Mark said. I looked at his face again, just to make sure, and he looked back at me, just like when he invited me.
I really want to go, and to actually make it happen.
That's the meaning behind Mark's gaze. It's as if he knows that everyone is tired, and I myself am exhausted from this situation. He said it like that, in a way that I never thought he would say. It's true that Mark's house is the closest... If we really think about the distance, going back to work would be noisy, just like Mark said. Or if we were to go back to Ploy's condo, it wouldn't be good either.
I turned the car into the last house in this neighbourhood. This time, there's no need for Mark to tell me where to turn. Mark's old house wasn't a safe zone for him, but now it has changed. I could feel that he chose to come here because he wanted to rest and think about something seriously. We, three people, don't know what will happen next. Ploy has never been pregnant. She has never taken care of a child. Neither Mark nor I have done it before. It's complicated from the moment of conception, taking care, eating, sleeping, exercising, and many other things involved in taking care of a child. Mark probably wants to ask his mother, or maybe he wants to think again about what should be done.
“Who is making noise?” The only woman in the house came out to greet us. Her surprised face didn't disappear anywhere, even though I could see her happiness. She looked at Mark, then at me before looking at Ploy.
“Hello, Mother.” I bowed to her as usual, and she smiled back as always.
“Hello....” Ploy also greeted her. Although Mark’s mother looked strange and Ploy's voice trembled, she still didn't say anything.
“Mother, we would like to stay here for a while. I came to talk to Phii Vee and it's very late now.” Mark said.
“Huh? What are you asking to stay for?? I'm already happy that you came to visit.” His mother said.
“I'm sorry for coming without letting you know beforehand.” I said, and his mother smiled at me kindly, as always.
“It's okay. So, who is this beautiful girl?” His mother asked and looked at Ploy.
“This... is Phii Ploy.” Mark introduced her. My boyfriend said with a calm face, which I thought was kind-hearted, looked at Ploy with strange eyes when his mother looked at her with suspicion.
“Ploy?” She asked back. I don't know how much his mother knows about Mark and me. Mark must have told her about this story many times, or something. But even though Mark didn't say everything, I believe his mother can investigate that time. Because there are many people involved, such as James Wind, or even Mark's ex-girlfriend, that Park guy.
“Yes, Phii Ploy... that's her.”
“What is going on?” Her calm demeanour is something that I admire. She asked again and patiently awaited my answer with a calmness that, even though her gaze examined Ploy, was no different from mine.
“I...I want her to stay here for now, and I want to talk to you mother.” Mark said, but Ploy did not immediately respond. She looked back at me with the same gaze as before. When I learned that Mark would take responsibility for Ploy and the baby in her womb, I saw the concern in Mark's eyes, but when he looked back at me with a confident gaze, I hesitated.
“Ploy will stay in the guest room, and Vee will stay in Mark's room, as usual, right?” She asked.
“Thanks.” I replied.
“Okay then, let's go talk, mother.”
“I'll take Ploy.”
Mark looked at me for a moment, then followed her mother and walked in.
As for me, I took Ploy to the guest room with the housekeeper leading the way. She was taken care of and settled in before I left. At this point, it was just me and Ploy, but we didn't say anything. We remained silent, lost in our thoughts.
I respected Mark's decision for this situation. If Mark said he wants this, then he wants this. I wouldn't interfere even though it may seem strange that I have to take care of my ex-girlfriend's child; the one she made with her new lover, especially when I also have to take care of my own new lover who had problems with her before. Others may not understand or may think it's distorted, but I no longer have those feelings towards Ploy.
The relationship that was once called “ex-lovers” has disappeared. Ploy is someone I know, someone who has come into my life. Now that Ploy is in turmoil, I cannot simply let go of someone I know. My intention is to calm Ploy, to bring her back to her senses, and to explain to her what is happening. But Ploy doesn't understand and is too emotional to listen to anything else. I, too, do not have enough patience to explain. As for Mark, he spoke the way he did. I don't know if it was out of frustration or if it was a good decision, but no matter what, I will stay by Mark's side.
“Vee.”
“Yes?” I turned back when Ploy called me. I was about to leave the room, but I turned back to look at the person standing at the end of the bed.
“I'm sorry, Vee. I'm sorry for making it difficult for you and Mark.” Ploy said, her gaze filled with guilt, but I smiled and replied.
“It's okay, Ploy. If it was anyone else, I would help too.” If it was anyone else asking for help in this situation, I wouldn't hesitate to help them.
“I... Do you really want to keep this child?” Ploy asked.
“It depends on Mark.” I replied according to my own thoughts.
“What about Mark...?” The words that came back seemed like a question, but they weren't. When the speaker doesn't want an answer from it.
“Oh.”
“And what about you, Vee??” Ploy asked back.
“If I say he doesn't want it, will you abort it?” I asked back.
“I...”
“Mark can do it, Ploy. I believe that Mark will take care of this child if he says he will do it.” I truly believe that. Why can't Mark do it? Mark can do it and he will do it well. When Mark said he would stay with me, he stayed by my side all the time. When he said he would make me stop loving Ploy, he did it too. When he said he would make me love him, he made me love him to this extent, to the extent that I don't want to stop loving at all.
“I...”
“But it's your child. How will Mark speak, how will I speak, that's all. If you don't want to listen, we can't do anything.” I spoke slowly and Ploy paused for a moment. Then her beautiful eyes became watery again.
“Why Vee... huh... why do you two have to be so good to this child?” Ploy said. I myself think the same way. Who is Mark? Why is his mind so caring that it clashes with his cool personality? Why is he so good to the point of saying that he will take responsibility for this child?
“I am just one person who isn't really good at anything. As for Mark, he's a very good person.” I told Ploy, and then Ploy slowly blinked at me.
“Mark... takes care of you well, right?”
“Very well...” So well that sometimes I feel guilty and can't forget that I used to treat Mark badly.
“...”
“Ploy, can I ask something?”
“Anything.”
“That child... If Mark wants, let him adopt him.” I said, then looked at Ploy's stomach.
“But I don't want to...”
“If Mark wants, can you help take care of that child for about nine months? After that, I will help Mark take care of the child myself.” I said before Ploy could finish speaking.
“Vee....”
“May we? Ploy.” I asked again, and the person I asked burst into tears. No sobbing sound. No whimpering. Just a slowly moving face.
“I... Huk! I feel guilty for not taking care of him, and if it's really like that, ugh! I will do as you ask.”
“Hm.” I replied in my throat and walked towards Ploy, raising my hand to wipe away the tears of the person who was crying, placing my hand on her beautiful head to give her encouragement.
“Vee, huk!” Ploy moved closer and hugged me, her sobbing voice becoming even louder along with the tremors of the little person in her arms. I didn't hug her back, but I didn't push Ploy away. I just let her cry in my arms for a while.
“Phii Vee....” The voice calling from the front of the room made me release Ploy.
“Mark... listen...”
“It's okay, let's go back to the room so Phii Ploy can rest.” Mark said and I nodded to him.
“Rest, Ploy.” I said to the small person with teary eyes. Ploy looked at me then immediately turned her gaze towards Mark.
“Mark, I...”
“Rest, please. We can talk tomorrow.” Mark said and led me out.
Mark's room was similar to ours, but it felt different from before, mainly because it was quieter now. Mark looked at me and I looked back at him, and we both saw the fatigue in each other's eyes. It was so clear that I felt guilty for bringing him into this situation.
“Would you like a hug?” I asked, and Mark hesitated.
“Phii Vee....” He walked over and hugged me. At the same time, I walked over and hugged Mark.
“Why are you so good?” I said.
“Phii, you are an asshole....”
“What else do you want?” I moved back, smiling when I saw the talented person getting confused.
“You just had to go and get to know her.” He said.
“I already knew her.” I said back.
“That's why I said it.”
“Do you understand your mistakes when you speak?” I teased, knowing full well that everything is your fault.
“Well, you know Phii Ploy.”
“I know. What's mine is mine.” I said, placing my hand on Mark's head.
“My mom said it's up to me.” Mark said, coming out after playing with my beautiful hair for a while.
“I'm the same.”
“The same?”
“Same as your mom, it all depends on you.” I said.
“And if I want you to help me decide?” Mark said, turning around and walking to sit at the end of the bed.
“I would tell you that we are still young and we should...”
“You don't pity that kid?”
“Listen to me properly, Mark.” I said and smiled at him.
“What do you mean?” That little face was about to crumple, but I smiled at it before continuing to speak.
“We should ask our parents for help. Your home or my home.”
“Or both homes.” Mark said.
“Oh... we can't take care of a child, just letting you know.”
“I can take care of him, I used to take care of many.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well! I used to have a lot of young lovers.” Mark said, looking indifferent.
“But now you're my lover, and I'm looking for money to support us.” I said.
“That's it. It shouldn't be any different.” He replied.
“This one is not a grown one, he is not even born.”
“No excuses, okay? You can't make any mistakes with this child either.”
“You underestimate me. Is there something you want to say, future mother?” I asked back.
“What.”
“What?”
“What do you mean, can I accept it?” Mark said.
“And how do you answer, are you really okay with it?” That's the same question his mom asked that I wanted to ask Mark. Did he really mean it's okay? Did he not think much about it, right? Or does he feel something?
“I don't feel anything right now. Except pity for that child.”
“Hmm, did you answer your mom like that?” I paused when I received his answer.
“I said I could accept it.”
“I have a question.” I hesitated and lightly touched Mark's cheek, playing with his face and observing it.
“You can ask.” Mark said and grabbed my finger to hold it.
“Do you want to have a child?” I asked.
“I never thought about it.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Well, if we have one, wouldn't it be good? We fill each other up, and the child fills us up.” Mark replied.
If you look at it or think about it like that, it's true. That child needs warmth and care from parents. Maybe Mark and I might not be good at that, but I believe that we could learn to take care of children and teach them. But if Mark says that the child can fill us up, does that mean he's thinking about having a child?
“It means you have thought about having a child.”
“I have. My house has only one son. Your family has two sons but both don't like girls, so why won't I think about it.” Mark said.
And then I understood that what he was thinking about was influenced by his family. Mark has lived a life where he didn't care much about parents or anything before. It shows that this issue might not have been in his mind until he met me, who had already planned a family with a father, mother, and a brother. It made him feel guilty for depriving me of making a family like my family.
“Mark....”
“Huh?”
“I'm so lucky to have you.” I said to the person who was looking at me intently, conveying my words and my gaze that were responding to it.
“Well, that's me.” He said back with a smile. It wasn't bright, but it seemed more confident. “And do you want to have one?” Mark asked back.
“Before, I wanted it, but when I had you, I didn't care to have a child anymore.” I said and sat next to Mark.
“And would Phii Ploy agree?”
“I asked Ploy already.”
“You asked for what?” Mark tilted his head and looked at me.
“I said if you want it, for her to let you adopt him.”
“And Phii Ploy is okay with it.” I paused and replied, and then Mark himself paused to understand me.
“ Ploy, thank you. She is sorry about it.”
“Phii Vee...”
“Hmm?”
“If we were to raise her child, would you miss the child's mother?” Mark asked, and I smiled at it.
“If we raise the child, shouldn't it be our child?” I said it like that because I think that way and I understand how Mark thinks, but explaining my thoughts and feelings in words would be difficult. So, I just looked into Mark's eyes and tried to convey all my feelings to make him understand.
I don't love her anymore, for sure.
I don't feel anything for her anymore, even a little.
“But I... can't get pregnant.”
“Fuck, you don't have to get pregnant to be a mother.” I said, and Mark frowned at me. “Just be the mother who takes care of a child.”
“Why do I have to be the mother?” Mark asked back.
“Because I am the father.”
“But I will go and legally sign a guarantee on the Phii Ploy maternity chart to become the baby’s father.”
“And if you sign the marriage certificate, what will you sign?” I asked back, and the person who was asked blushed and made a wrong face.
“Phii Vee...”
“I will let you think about it, when I saved enough money for your bride price, I will ask you again?”
TBC.
Chapter 20: Intrusion and Discomfort.
[Mark Masa.]
Don't make yourself feel miserable.
That was what my mother said to me on the day I talked to her. We had an unexpected conversation about things that had been on our minds for a while. I asked my mother about taking care of a child, while she asked me about taking care of her own feelings. I had no idea how it would turn out. My feelings at that time were pity for the child who should have been able to see the world with their own eyes. So, I tried my best to be sincere and express myself so that everyone would believe that I wouldn't feel bad about this decision.
Phii Vee believed in me like that.
And I believed in him like that too.
“You're spacing out again.” James said to me.
“Spacing out about what?” I replied. I wasn't spacing out. I was just thinking about Phii Vee.
“Are you going to tell us that you're okay?” Wind said to me.
“Uh huh~that is what I said back then.” I replied.
I did say that, but today there were times when I said it that way, but I felt differently. There were times when I said to Phii Vee that it's okay if we don't meet, but the truth is I really wanted to meet him, but I couldn't find him. This period of interning, this was a time of turmoil for me. I had work to fix, projects to do, had to go to work on time, and Phii Vee was the same, it made me realise that if we choose to live this kind of work life, we won't have time for each other.
And we wouldn't have time to take care of that child.
“So, how is it now?” Fuse turned to ask me.
“Is it really okay?” Kampan asked further.
“Yeah, it's fucking okay.” I replied.
Now I am interning, and I work from Monday to Saturday. Although the internship area is not far from Bangkok, I still don't have time to go home. Instead, I become Phii Vee who has to go and take care of Phii Ploy. Yes... My mother and father let Phii Ploy stay at my place. In the first few months, they asked the older brothers and sisters to take care of her. Taking care of Phii Ploy's symptoms, arranging for pregnancy, taking care of the pregnancy, my mother seemed distant, while my father didn't seem to care much about Phii Ploy.
During that time, I was going back and forth with Phii Vee, but not very often. Because I myself was studying and now after the exams, I have to do an internship. Phii Ploy's baby is almost six months old. The morning sickness has gone away, but taking care of the mother and the baby has become even more important. Phii Vee goes to see her often, but I haven't gone at all. I just wait for the internship to finish, which is only one more week, but it's too difficult that I had to make an appointment for my friends to come to my room.
“Why don't you go and see her?” Wind asked.
“Do I have time, Wind?”
“You have nothing to do, you're just talking to us.” Fuse replied.
“You guys are closer.” I said.
“Closer to what, I drove him from and to university.” James said; he and Winda had not started their internship. Because they will do it in the second semester of the fourth year.
“That's why. I said that back then.” I said.
“And now what's on your mind, don't you trust Phii Vee?” Kampan asked.
“I trust...” I said, and glanced at my friend. Since Phii Ploy and the baby came, Phii Vee hasn't changed. Our feelings are still the same. I think it's like that because I can tell that Phii Vee is still the same. Even though I feel a little confused and distant from Phii Vee, he tries to make up for it for me and the baby as before.
Like today.
Today is Sunday evening. I just finished solving the assigned work problem, while Phii Vee went home to see the baby, and to see the baby, I have to meet the mother of the baby. Even though they both said it's nothing, even though it's my own house, I still feel like I want to go with them. I want to be together and don't want to leave them alone.
“If you trust each other, then it's okay.” Winda said.
“Understanding and trusting.” Kampan emphasised.
My friends know my situation, and Phii Vee's friends also know, but I don't know what they say because it's Phii Vee who talks, and I wasn't there at that time. I only know that Phii Vee told his friends that he will take care of Phii Ploy's baby. He might have been scolded by Phii Yihwa, but Phii Vee didn't say anything, indicating that it probably wasn't serious.
“You're getting involved.” Wind complained.
“Yeah, you guys talk about it. If it were me, I would do the same.” Fuse said.
“Are you planning to raise a baby, Fuse?” James turned and asked.
“Oh Phii Ana asked me about it, but it may take a while.” Fuse said.
“But Mark's thing is too fast.” Kampan said.
“Don't you understand the word unexpected, Kampan?” I replied.
“And what about the current situation you're in, did you expect it?” James asked.
“Well...” I expected to feel a little bit overwhelmed, just didn't think it would be this much.
“Will you go with it or not?” James asked again.
“I...”
Rrrr~.
“We're talking, so pick up the phone.” Fuse said after looking at my phone.
“Um, hello?” Kampan said.
“Of course I have to pick it up.” I said and answered the video call.
[Oh! Who are you with?] Phii Vee asked, and then I saw that the camera was focused on Fuse's arm.
“With them.” I said and panned the camera to find my friends.
[Those little rascals....]
“Don't call my friends that.”
“Come and find Mark, he's feeling lonely.”
[Lonely my ass, he's got a boyfriend.] Phii Vee said in a harsh tone when Kampan mentioned I was lonely.
“He feels lonely, otherwise why would we be here with him?” James said in response.
“Um, I just drove here from the mall.” Wind said.
[You're lonely?] Phii Vee turned back and asked me, raising an eyebrow.
“No, why would I feel lonely?” I replied.
“Oh! Your friends said you were lonely.”
“That's enough from you guys.” I turned to scold my friends before getting up from the bed, walking to the balcony and sitting to have a talk with Phii Vee alone.
[If you're lonely, why don't you come with me?] Phii Vee asked.
“Just finished work.” I said and turned back.
[What the hell kind of work is it?] I looked at him. I never see myself when Phii Vee is busy, we always have the same schedules, and I don't know what it is between us. We never have free time to meet each other, even though I tried to work closer to him.
“And how about on your side?” I asked.
[It's normal. I just had lunch with mom. Dad hasn't come back yet. Your mom looks lonely, Mark. But I think she is waiting for the child too. Ploy is strong.] Phii Vee continued to tell the story of today, what time it is, what we had for lunch, and how Phii Ploy is doing in her pregnancy.
“That's good.”
[Look at this. This is the ultrasound. The baby is strong. He said the baby can recognize sounds now. After you finish your training, come and talk to the baby more often so he can recognize your voice.]
“Really?” I felt excited. Even though I'm not the one who is pregnant, I still felt excited that the baby inside can recognize sounds.
[Oh, he is already big, right? Can you see it?] Phii Vee pointed to the ultrasound film, and I tried to look even though I couldn't see clearly.
“Oh, and how is Phii Ploy?”
[She is gaining weight and eating more. But she looks fine.] Phii Vee said, and I paused for a moment.
[Vee! Can you help me pick something up? It's high up there.] The voice came in, making me pause the question I was going to ask. Phii Vee turned and looked at me, and I smiled back.
“Go and pick something up for Phii Ploy first.”
[Okay, just a moment.] Phii Vee said he didn't hang up, but he placed the phone so I could see where he was going. It's a small thing, but it's something that Phii Vee showed me it's nothing, and I should trust and rely on him as a friend.
Phii Vee went to pick something up for Phii Ploy, and Phii Ploy smiled. She probably doesn't know that I'm talking with Phii Vee right now because Phii Ploy invited Phii Vee to continue the conversation. Phii Ploy's wide smile made me realise she is happy, and that's good for her baby. Phii Ploy laughed when Phii Vee said something, and with little hands, she held Phii Vee's hand and placed it on her belly.
Warm, complete, and appropriate.
“Hey! We are going to buy...”
“Hey, Vee...”
“What the fuck, James? What?” I turned back and asked my friend, looking at him as he was about to punch Phii Vee, who was crawling next to Phii Ploy on her stomach.
“What the fuck? Don't you feel anything?” James asked back.
“If he doesn't feel anything, then what the fuck, look at his face.” Win pointed and said.
“Mark, do something about it. Are you going to leave it like this?” James said.
“Yeah, what should I do then? She's about to give birth.” I replied.
“Well, if she gives birth and leaves the baby, that's fine.” James said.
“Fuck you, James.” I got angry at him.
“Is that true? Don't you think if Phii Vee falls in love again....”
“Enough, James. My senior is not that kind of person.” Fuse argued.
“Yeah, Mark, he hasn't done anything yet, so don't make your friends think too much.” Kampan said as he looked at me.
“Well, it's late. Where are you going to buy something?” I asked back.
“With Galom.” Fuse said with a smile.
“What the fuck is Galom? It's late, just go to bed.” I said back.
[What are you guys talking about?] Phii Vee walked in and asked.
“Nothing.” James saw him and turned around.
“Well, well, okay.” Fuse said and walked back with the rest.
[What's their problem?]
“They're going to buy snacks.”
[At three in the morning?]
“Yeah.”
[They should go to bed.] Phii Vee said.
[Nong Mark…] Phii Ploy walked in behind Phii Vee, smiling beautifully and calling my name with a sweet voice.
“How are you, Phii Ploy?” I asked.
[Mark, the child is being fussy. When will you have some free time?] Phii Ploy said.
“Maybe next Sunday. I'll finish my training by then.” I said.
[Hurry up and come, Vee is of no use.]
[Oh! What about Vee?? Ploy] Phii Vee turned back to Phii Ploy.
[Vee just came to see the test results and asked about your mother. If I didn't tell him to hold the baby, he wouldn't hold him.] Phii Ploy said, looking annoyed. Meanwhile, Phii Vee turned to me and gave me a smile that seemed out of place.
[Go to bed now, Ploy. Don't stay up late.] Phii Vee said.
[Okay, Nong Mark, come quickly.] Phii Ploy said and smiled at me.
“Yes, sir.” I replied and smiled back.
[Do you... really think about it a lot?] Phii Vee asked. I took a deep breath.
“A little bit.” I answered.
[You know, don't you, that I...]
“It can be unnerving.” I said before Phii Vee could finish.
[Do you trust me, then?] Phii Vee asked back.
“I do, but it's just...”
[I'm going back now, stop thinking about it so much, it's inappropriate.] Phii Vee said, interrupting me.
“It's good for you to be with Phii Ploy.”
[Mark] the voice called me back.
“It's true.”
[When will you stop thinking about this, it's irrelevant. Just stop it, I'm begging you.] Phii Vee said.
“....” But I could only bow my head and look at the person on the phone.
[How many times have I told you there's nothing wrong, there's only you. You've been with me for so long, you should know.] Phii Vee said in response. I paused and accepted his words.
“I know.”
[If you know, then why do you still think about it so much?] Phii Vee asked back.
“I don't know, it just came to me like that.”
[What have we been through, Mark and Ploy? We've been through it all, what do you want?] Phii Vee said.
“It's nothing.”
[It's nothing, then why do you seem to think so much about it?]
“....” I was silent. I couldn't come up with a response because what Phii Vee said was true, but if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't think about it that much.
[Mark.]
“Oh.”
[Oh? What is it?]
“I understand.”
[Can I make a request? Can you have more confidence in yourself?]
“Phii Vee....”
[Or have I not given you enough reason to trust me all this time?] His words, even just spoken, hurt me. His gaze only amplified my thoughts. It's not that I've never trusted Phii Vee before. I have trusted him all along, but there has always been a lurking worry in my mind. It may be small, but it still made me uneasy.
“I trust you, Phii.” That's all I could say. I tried to hide my gaze and all the anxiety inside. But Phii Vee continued to be the same Phii Vee, always seeing through me.
[You're stubborn.] The line cut off like that, along with the heightened anxiety I have and the misunderstanding between us.
I exhaled when the discomfort became too much. It was too much for me to handle. It's already difficult when I have to think on my own. Now, knowing that I made Phii Vee uncomfortable, it felt even worse.
“So, how was it? Genius?” Fuse asked as soon as I entered the room.
“Is Phii Vee angry?” Kampan asked.
“If he's just angry, then I won't be scared at all.” I said it like that.
“You're finding trouble for yourself. If you dealt with it properly from the beginning, it would be over, Mark.” James said.
“Don't say 'it's not like that', James. You know that it's not that simple.” Win said.
“You protect him so much. When he was studying, Phii Vee would always follow him.” I said.
“Where can I follow him, James? Right now, I haven't even finished my internship.” I replied and walked away.
“Then leave it like this. Endure it for another three to four months.” James said.
“What the hell, endure for three to four months? I can only endure until next week. Besides, I'll follow him myself.” I said.
And so, I made it happen. I summarised the information and presented my internship project to the company within a week. I have been collecting data for a long time, and this presentation went so well that I can finally complete my internship. I just have to present it to the professors at the faculty, which will be during the first semester of the fourth year, and by that time, it has been rescheduled closer than before.
In three more days, I'll start the semester and I still haven't gone home.
“What should I do?” I asked Kampan, who did the internship with me.
“Do you want to finish studying or do you want to resolve your own love problems?” he asked while walking towards the car.
“What do you mean by resolving my love problems? I still love Phii Vee like before.”
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that your love life is the same.” Kampan grabbed my face and made me face him.
“Well…”
“The person who has changed may not be Phii Vee, but it could be you, Mark.” Kampan looked at me silently and said.
“What do you mean?”
“The person who is not normal may be the one who thinks he is normal.”
“...”
“When you think that you are normal and things are the same, it's like deceiving yourself. Even though now everyone can see that you trust Phii Vee less, and trust each other less. Before, when you loved each other more, you trusted each other more, and now that you love each other less.” He said it longer than usual, and this is the first time in two years that Kampan stood up to teach me.
“I…”
“But sometimes, the person who loves less may be you. Not Phii Vee.”
“Not me.”
“Think about it, Mark, you can go find Phii Vee. You used to look for him after not seeing him for a few hours. How about now?” The question hit me hard, causing me to pause and reflect.
“And why am I like this?” I said slowly.
“You have to ask yourself why you let yourself stay angry at Phii Vee for so long.” He said, raising his phone for me to see.
Vee Vivis.
8 min.
Are things still the same?
341 likes 34 comments.
Phii Vee updated his status just a few minutes ago. That made me think that there are still unresolved issues between us. I let that go because I had to quickly finish and submit the project, even though there were still some unresolved matters. But I tried to put those thoughts aside and focus on the upcoming work, as Kampan said. The answer to the question was not difficult at all. I chose to prioritise myself over love.
But love is also a part of me.
Yiwaa: You guys are making a big deal out of nothing.
Pandora: What's going on now?
Tootsie Lee Learning Machines: What gossip did I miss?
Pond Pawee: Who is it referring to?
The comments from Phii Pond made me pause. I handed the phone back to my friend and took out my belongings. If I counted the days, it had been a week since I last saw Phii Vee's face. If I really thought about it, that was probably the last time we had a video call. Other than that, it was just chat messages, and the only time I called was when I said I couldn't reach my mother.
“Phii Vee...” I hesitated as another person answered the phone. Silence ensued when Phii Vee didn't say anything.
[Is the project done?] Phii Vee asked.
“Yes, it is.”
[Oh.]
“...”
[...].
“I...”
[What's bothering you? Don't you believe me or is there something wrong with you? Tell me now, can you?] Phii Vee said.
“I'm just worried about her being close to you.”
[And what can I do? When you yourself told me to go see the child in Ploy's womb. That's all I did. There was nothing more, just you, who pushed for the appropriateness and beauty of a family for me. Even though having just you is enough for me.]
“Phii Vee.”
[Seriously, we don't need children, just you is enough.] I clenched my mouth in response to Phii Vee's words.
“Phii.”
[You want to have the child, and I've tried everything to support your decision. If my actions make you distrustful, if going to see Ploy and the child makes you uneasy, why should I do it?] Phii Vee asked back.
“I'm sorry.”
[What did you do wrong? What's wrong with you, Mark? Why do you apologise?] Phii Vee asked back.
“...”
[Do you want to reflect on yourself?]
“No.” I immediately answered when he asked.
[Have you thought about what you said?]
“Phii Vee...” I called his name without knowing what to do.
[Ask yourself first, Mark. For me, I'm confident that I love you just as much as before, I want you just as much as before, and I've never betrayed you.]
“I know.” I replied.
[And what about you?]
“I...”
[You know that I'm still the same, do you know or do you realise that you're changing?] Phii Vee said before I could think about his words again.
“I haven't changed.”
[But you don't trust me like before. Even though I said I was the same.] These two simple sentences make me feel unsettled, and that's something that makes me have to reflect on myself, just as Phii Vee said.
Have my feelings really changed?
If it has really changed, when did it happen? Has it been decreasing? Since when? And when did the comfort begin? When Phii Vee hurriedly went to find Phii Ploy because she was pregnant? When I found out that Phii Vee cared about Phii Ploy because they used to date? When I said that I would take care of Phii Ploy's child because I was afraid that Phii Vee would say it himself? When I took Phii Vee and Phii Ploy to stay at a house because I was afraid they would go to Phii Vee's house? When Phii Vee went back and forth between work and my house because I was afraid to see Phii Ploy myself? Or when I locked eyes with the cameraman's child? The one who said he wanted to climb Ton's finger like me. The one who looked and felt like I was reflected in its eyes.
“So, are you going to Bangkok or back to university?” Kampan asked, and I looked down at the phone, took a long breath, and answered my friend with an uncertain voice.
“Uni.”
TBC.