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I’ve been called sensitive more times than I can count, and for a long time, I took it as criticism. To me, “sensitive” meant I was too emotional, took things too personally, or made a bigger deal out of things than I should. So I tried to change that about myself. I tried to toughen up, care less, let things go, and stop replaying conversations in my head.
The problem is, that’s just not how I’m wired.
When I care about someone, I really care. When something feels off, I notice it. And when I feel rejected, criticized, or judged, it can stay with me for a lot longer than I’d like. When I learned about ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD, a term used to describe the intense emotional reactions some people with ADHD have to rejection, criticism, or feeling judged, a lot of things started to make more sense.
It can be something as simple as a text. Someone takes longer than usual to respond, their tone feels different, or plans change, and suddenly my brain is trying to figure out what happened. Did I do something? Did I say something wrong? Am I bothering them? Did they actually want to see me? Do they even want me around?
I hate that my brain goes there so quickly. I can know I’m probably overthinking something and still not be able to stop.
But the hard part is that I don’t always know what to trust. Sometimes I’ll notice something small and immediately start wondering if it means more than it does. Other times, I’ll convince myself I’m overthinking and then find out there actually was a reason something felt off. That uncertainty is probably one of the hardest parts for me because I don’t want to dismiss my own feelings, but I also don’t want to believe every thought my brain throws at me. I’ve been wrong before, but I’ve also been right.
And then there’s the anger.
For me, this doesn’t always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like getting really angry when I feel judged or criticized. This happened recently at a friend’s birthday. I was talking to people here and there, but I’m naturally pretty quiet in group settings, especially when I don’t know everyone that well. At one point, this guy straight up asked me, “Are you deaf?” because I wasn’t talking. Then he followed it up with, “I didn’t know you could speak.”
I was irritated. I mean, what are you even supposed to say to that?
I remember thinking, would I ever tell someone they’re being too loud? Probably not. So why is being quiet something that needs to be pointed out?
I tried to take it with a pinch of salt and not let it ruin the night. We ended up talking for a while, and he actually turned out to be a pretty funny guy. But the comment still bothered me because you had just met me. You don’t know if I’m shy, tired, uncomfortable, or just someone who doesn’t feel the need to talk constantly. You just decided I was “too quiet.”
That’s the kind of thing that gets under my skin. When I feel like someone has made an assumption about me without actually knowing me, I can get defensive pretty quickly. I want to explain myself and make them understand that they don’t know the whole story. Usually, there’s hurt underneath that anger, but I don’t always realize it right away.
And I think that’s the part I’m still trying to understand. Sometimes people really do hurt us. Sometimes someone really is judging me. Sometimes relationships really do change. I don’t want to blame every reaction on ADHD or RSD and convince myself that something didn’t happen just because I tend to feel things strongly.
At the same time, I know my brain can take a small moment and run with it. I can be done with the conversation and still be thinking about it hours later, wondering what I should have said or why someone saw me that way.
For a long time, I thought the answer was to care less. I thought if I could just stop being so sensitive, I wouldn’t get hurt as easily.
I still catch myself wishing I could turn some of it down. I still take things personally. I still get angry when I feel misunderstood.
I’m still figuring out what to do with all of it. I’m learning when to trust what I’m noticing, when to question the story my brain is creating, and how to deal with those feelings without letting them take over.
Some days I handle it better than others. Some days I don’t.
I don’t have this figured out. I’m still working through it.
Have you ever been called “too sensitive” when you were actually just having a real reaction to something that hurt you?
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you’ll be criticized, anyway.”— Eleanor Roosevelt