And still I rise.
I absolutely love Maya’s Angelou and her work. This one line from her poem, Still I Rise, is a line that I find myself repeating and leaning on regularly.
I’ve been writing this message in my mind for quite some time and today (thanks to a challenge and gentle nudge from some amazing women) I’m taking the time to site down and just put my words down on paper.
This past week was my mom’s family cookout. Each year all of her siblings and their families gather to connect and celebrate. As the year’s go by, it’s also a time to share our family history and remember those who are no longer with us. As our family grows and the years go by, it’s so easy for the younger generation to forget or not even know about the greatness that we come from.
For the past five years, it’s been a weekend that was filled with anxiety and stress. If you’ve been around for a while or connected with me on other platforms, you may know parts of my story.
In 2019, I decided I was done. For almost 2 years I’d been to countless doctors, therapists and support groups but I kept coming up short. When I shared to my loved ones how I felt, I was told to get more rest and that I was so “strong” and I would get past this moment.
But I didn’t.
My doctors diagnosed me with so many things and tried so many different medications, health plans and then, finally, my primary care physician told me I was obese, needed to lose weight and I’d feel better.
I left that appointment feeling defeated and disappointed because again I’d failed.
That’s when a plan began forming in my mind. A plan that would solve all of the problems. I was failing as a wife, as a mother and as a friend. I began distancing myself from my friends. I was always tired - no, I was exhausted. Mentally and physically.
Sleep became my refuge. I dropped all of my clients and while I showed up online it wasn’t in the ways my online community was used to.
So the Thursday before our annual cookout, I took the actions to remove the problem. Me. In my mind, it made sense because my family was already coming together so I could save many of my loved ones from having to make the trip twice.
Yes, that’s how illogical and irrational my thinking was at that point. Depression does that. It makes you think and act in a way that seems logical to you but, in reality, makes no sense at all.
I wrote letters to some of my loved ones. I scheduled emails to go out to my closest friends. I spent quality time with my youngest two children. I called my Daddy just to hear his voice and let him know I loved. I called my husband at work and told him how much I loved him. And sent my Mom a text because she was at work and couldn’t take calls that simply said “I love you.”
I was done. Problem solved. And my family and friends could go on with their lives happier and at peace.
Again, that’s what depression does. Especially when you’ve been living with it for an extended period of time.
The next thing I remember is a doctor standing over me and asking, “Michelle, if I send you back home, can you promise you won’t try to hurt yourself again?”
I was silent. I was hurt. I was angry … at myself. Because here was another thing I couldn’t get right.
I spent the next week or so in an inpatient program and then about 3 months in an intensive outpatient program.
It’s been 6 years and it took a lot of work to get where I am today. I can’t lie and say that it was always easy.
And still I rise.
This year, it wasn’t until I was back home and resting that I realized the weekend had come and gone and that anxiety and dread I’d felt in the previous years was gone.
I’ve been able to find a therapist that truly listens and encourages me, but also gives me the pushes I need to press forward.
I have a team of doctors that have helped tremendously.
I have a form of clinical depression that is not easy to treat. My body begins to reject medication after a certain period of time. So when we see those dips, we have to begin preparing to ease me off what I’m currently taking and begin something else. We are looking at some alternative forms of treatment but for now I’ve learned to deal with it as best as I can.
(Please, please, please do not send recommendations on treatment. I understand your desire to help, but I promise, I’ve done the research and so have the people that know my full history. We’re good.)
Over the past year or so, there’s been a tugging at my heart about the work that I do. I absolutely love the group of female entrepreneurs that I’ve connected with but it didn’t fulfill the passion and purpose that was inside of me.
And that’s when RISE came to me:
Remember your why
Identify one step
Speak life over yourself
Engage with support
(Y’all know I love my acronyms! LOL)
RISE is basically how I manage my day-to-day. As we get closer to Divas With A Purpose’s Sweet 16 next month, I’ll be sharing more about the shift I’m ready to take. One that will help me help others continue to RISE - personally and professionally, but most importantly care for themselves from the inside out.
I’m at a place where I can talk more about my mental health journey. Share the not-so-good moments but emphasize and remind others that they do have a purpose and to find ways to pour into themselves. And that there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. It saved my life and has been a big part of my growth and healing process over the years.
You are valuable. You are loved. You are needed.
And still WE rise!