The teen brain works not in mysterious ways, but in predictable, logical ways when we understand what teens need emotionally. This post breaks down the crucial things parents need to know not only to understand how the teen brain works but also to help their teen get through this difficult (and often wonderful) time.
The problem with independence
Teens desperately want to be independent. They want to prove to themselves and the world that they are capable people.
While they know they will soon be an adult, they fear they’re not ready. And in many ways, they’re not. Which is okay—it’s expected! But in their black-and-white, all-or-nothing perspective, teens hate failing to be completely independent. They hate this limbo: they want to be as competent as an adult immediately without having to learn all the necessary skills.
And here’s the catch: they know they can more easily become independent if they can learn life skills from an adult—or a parent—but to do so would make them dependent.
Hence comes the internal conflict for the teen brain: the emotional part of the teen wants instantaneous autonomy while the intellectual part knows they’re not ready or knowledgeable enough. Usually, the emotional part controls how they behave: when we offer advice or remind them to do a chore, our teen experiences us not as helping but rather as infantilizing them.
Separation leads to independence
To feel more independent, teens try to separate themselves from their parents. Thus, they tell us nothing about their lives, their friends, their schoolwork, and so on. They keep us ignorant so as to create a barrier of separation, which helps them feel more independent.
Let’s be clear: separation doesn’t bring actual independence. Just because a teen keeps their academics private from parents doesn’t make them a more responsible, independent student. But the teen can have the fantasy that it does! And that’s okay.
Rejection creates separation
Teens are routinely rude to parents. They’ve perfected the skill. In fact, they’re masters at being rude in exactly the way that makes you most offended, mad, and triggered. They know your buttons, and they push them.
But why? What do they gain from your anger and subsequent disciplining?
For the teen brain, it’s all about rejection.
Their rudeness is a form of rejection. It’s their way of saying, “You’re an idiot. I hate you. I have no use for you. Get out of my life!”
They reject us, and if we get mad enough, we reject them back. Good: now we are all separate!
But is this actually good?
Our job through it all…
Our job through it all is not to fall for any of this. They can reject us, but we can’t reject them back because they still need us. They are best able to find independence when they feel they have a secure base from which to explore their independence.
This means we maintain the relationship with them even when they’re horrible, rude, and offensive. It means we don’t react with our feelings, but rather respond with our intellect, knowing that their behavior is simply an attempt to be more independent: their behavior only functions as a way to separate from us, and as with most things they do, their behavior is a bit extreme, dramatic, and heavy-handed.
In time, they’ll get through it, and so will we. But maintaining the connection between them and us is what really matters.
For more on teens (and, of course, little kids) check out my website, Deep Dive Parenting.