As he slowly became aware once more, he forced his eyes open with a feeling of excited anticipation. But nothing, still nothing. In his mind’s eye all he could see was daffodils, but through his eyes, nothing. So, nothing had changed, it was still just the daffodils. He slumped back on the bed, frustration tearing through his body, rage building. It wasn’t fair, they had promised. This was supposed to be a cure. And yet.
He heard the door opening and steps approaching his bed. Before he could unleash a barrage of invective at the unseen person, they spoke in a quietly reassuring tone.
“Well then Nicholas,” she said. “It’s nice to see you awake again. Are you ready to have the bandages taken off, do you think?”
Bandages. Of course. That’s why he still couldn’t see. Although he had not responded, he was still too choked with disappointment, he could sense the nurse leaning over him and then felt gentle hands on the side of his head as she released the binding. As the bandage came off Nicholas could see the first glimmers of a faint light and as his eyes were freed he saw the vague outline of the nurse in what was a darkened room.
This was the first thing he had seen for sixteen years.
He had just turned four when he had been struck blind by a mystery disease. Since then, the only image he could picture was that of a bed of daffodils swaying gently in the spring breeze. According to his mother, he had spent hours in their garden, fascinated by the yellow trumpet like flowers. As a small child, now blind, he had been close to his mother but over the years he had pushed her away, as he had anyone who tried to become close to him. Once he had become old enough to realise the implications of his blindness, he became more and more resentful of those around him. Those who still had the gift of sight, those that had the opportunity to realise their potential. The bitterness ate away at him day by day. He became isolated, with all those people who had cared for him or might have cared for him, now shunning him. They had received one insult too many or had simply had enough of the self-pitying. Nicholas, though, was beyond caring.
And then, out of the blue, an experimental treatment. No guarantees, but a real possibility. At first, he was excited, almost back to his old self, but soon the doubts and questions started distracting him. What if it wasn’t successful, what if there were side effects, how would he cope with being able to see again?
He almost wished he had someone else to talk to. Almost. Perhaps if he had known his father things would have been different. His mother had been surprising blunt in telling him that she had been raped on holiday in Greece, while bathing in what she had assumed was a secluded river. They never caught the perpetrator and he got the impression they hadn’t tried very hard. She told Nicholas that she had never considered not keeping the baby. Sometimes he wished she hadn’t.
The nurse was talking again, something about taking it carefully and limiting his exposure to light. He felt the rage boil up inside him, people telling him what to do, how to behave. It was his condition, so his choice. He pushed her away and she fell heavily on the floor.
As he watched, a figure appeared in the room. It felt strange but he could not be sure. Although he could see her faintly, he could not have described that it was an ageless woman dressed in flowing robes, with striking luminescent silver hair, cascading to her waist. He had no frame of reference for people, only the yellow nodding daffodils.
She spoke in a soft, melodious voice, belying her words.
“This time Nicholas you have gone too far. I have put up with your bullying and ill treatment of your dear mother and anyone else who tried to help you, or come close to you. But this time, you have hurt my daughter who was only doing her job and whose only thought was to help you. She chose to walk among mortals to help where she could, not to be assaulted by ingrates. You do not deserve the help of mortals or gods. So, I, Nemesis, curse you so that when you know yourself you will be entranced and with that entrancement you will seal your own doom. Doomed to spend the remainder of your short life ensnared by an impossible love.”
She leant down and helped her daughter up and the two of them faded from his sight.
Nicholas lay back, heart pounding. As he recovered his composure he muttered, “Know myself? What the hell does that mean? I know who I am, so I already know myself.”
He heard, or imagined he heard, a silvery tinkling laugh in the air.
A few moments later, the door opened and a different nurse came in, although she too had striking silver hair. “You are being discharged,” she said brightly and efficiently. “Your mother will be here in a minute to collect you. In the meantime, you need to cover your eyes because the outside light will harm your recovery.”
“I can see for the first time in years and you want me to cover my eyes again. You have to be joking.”
“It’s your choice. But if you don’t, you may lose your sight again and this time you will never recover it.”
An hour later the car pulled up outside the house. Nicholas wrenched open the car door, jumped out and guided himself by touch to the front door. “Come on, come on,” he growled. “I need to get in and see again.” Although, it wasn’t so much seeing, as seeing himself that was driving him. “Come on!”
His mother opened the door and Nicholas rushed in, tearing at his bandages. He knew he needed to find a mirror, but he didn’t really know what they looked like or how to find one.
“Mirror, now.” He yelled.
“What? Oh, er, the bathroom,” his mother sighed resignedly.
He rushed up the stairs, seeing them for the first time as the bandage finally unravelled, and he pushed open the second door on the right. He spun around in the room and saw a cabinet on the wall with a surface different to the rest of the room. He strode over to it and looked into the magical reflective surface.
Time stopped. He saw a vision of beauty staring at him, a vision he could gaze at for eternity. Before he lost himself completely, a small part of his mind finally realised what knowing himself really meant. Just for the briefest moment, he wished he could still see the daffodils but the moment passed and he was lost forever.