I met my younger self for coffee
She was 15 minutes late
I was 10 minutes early
She walked in, perfect hair, perfect makeup, wearing a long sleeve shirt in the summer heat
I was wearing shorts and a baggie t-shirt, messy bun, with yesterdays makeup
She ordered a hot coffee, cream and sugar
I ordered an iced coffee with cream, no sugar
She sat down nervously; looking to see if anyone was looking at her
I sat down, oblivious to my surroundings
She asked why I was wearing short sleeves, as she pulled hers down over her hands
I told her we finally got some help and understanding, and we stopped taking out our pain on our arms with a razor
She looked relieved, and asked what we did instead
I told her we went through phases of binge eating, drinking, and therapy. But we stopped. We started taking medicine to help
She asked about our Mom, wondering if we were still close, and how she was coping after our Dad had died.
I told her we were best friends, right up until the day she died too
She started to cry, not understanding how she would make it without our dad, and now our mom
I told her it’s been hard. But we have an amazing group of people around us, and we carry on with our grief
Sobbing, she asked about our brother. “ Was he ok? Did he find someone to love?”
I told her he did. He found the love of his life. They married, and had a beautiful time together
Once again, she breathed a sigh of relief and asked about his husband
I told her he was amazing, he got him through Mom’s death, and everyone loved him
She said “Loved? What happened?”
I told her, 2 years after mom, he died from cancer. It was awful.
She asked how he was handling all of this, was he ok?
I told her No, he never was the same again. He couldn’t handle all the grief like we do. He got lost in a world of substance use, one he never got out of
She asked how he was today, do we know where he is?
I told her, he is finally at peace and back with our parents and his love
She asked what does that mean for us?
I told her I wasn’t sure. I told her we are doing our best to survive without them
She looks concerned and asks “But what do we do with all this grief and pain? Do we use the razors again?”
I tell her we don’t. We take our pain and try to turn it into something beautiful. Helping others grieve, helping families dealing with substance use, hoping to save lives
She sat in silence for awhile, just sipping on her coffee
I do the same, cause we still do that. Just sit with ourself quietly, when we don’t know what to say or do next
Finally she said “So we make it”
And I smile, and tell her “Yes, we do” Most days are hard, but we always make it to the next sunrise
With that, she said “Ok, well I have to go, Mom needs me, and our brother needs a ride”
I laugh, and say “Don’t be annoyed with them, you’ll miss it when its gone”
She got up and walks towards the door, but looks back and says innocently “It sounds like so much, but we make it, and it’s fine”
I say “Please stop telling everyone it’s fine, when it isn’t. You will learn this as you get older”
And with that, she was gone. I sat there with my coffee, alone in the busy coffee shop, something my younger self would never do.
•••Dana Lyn