Aries
Uncertainty is in the air and you feel your partner is about to make a proposal to you. You’re right. They want you to move out.
Pisces
With a confident Jupiter moon in your pathway, you took a chance with those out of date eggs this morning. Bad idea. You’ll have a bum hole like a Japanese flag by the end of the week.
Aquarius
You feel unloved, fat & stuck in a rut. Correct. Start doing Heroin. The weight will fall off.
Capricorn
Travel is on the horizon for you. You’re about to be involved in a near fatal car accident. You will regain function in at least 1 limb.
Sagittarius
A vibrant sun descends signalling the arrival of new life; you’ve got crabs again. Put your bedding on a boil wash and block the Amazon man’s number.
Scorpio
You’re thinking of donating to charity. Don’t. Spend the money on yourself, buy some new clothes - you need them. Consider investing in a good mouth wash too; work colleagues have a WhatsApp group dedicated to your breath.
Libra
Big changes await you at work. Lots of meetings have taken place behind closed doors and you’re convinced promotion is on the way. It’s not. You’ve been made redundant.
Virgo
A candid Sun encourages you to seize the day. Book that doctor’s appointment, that lump will not get any smaller. Cancel your Autumn holiday and don’t make any plans for Christmas.
Leo
An unpredictable Uranus in your council house leads you to confide in a loved one. Bad idea. Your glue sniffing is now the talk of the village Facebook group. Consider slashing so called loved one’s tyres.
Cancer
Never has a star sign been so appropriate. You’re a truly horrible person with no redeeming qualities. Don’t go to that party next weekend, no one wants you there anyway.
Gemini
There’s a 94% chance you’re adopted. Invite family round for dinner and have it out with them. Serve chicken, medium rare.
Taurus
With a zesty Venus in your outhouse you start to think that Grandma is on the game. She’s not. She does it for free. Grandma is just a slag.