Aries
You’ve felt for a long time you needed a new garden feature; congratulations - a sink hole is on its way. It’s highly unlikely that your house will remain standing.
Pisces
A speeding ticket is coming your way after that late night dash to Bargain Booze but what is the cause of these restless nights? A new love interest? No. It’s bed bugs; your mattress is crawling. & they say bad luck comes in 3? It does, you’ve got M.S.
Aquarius
Last month I advised taking up Heroin as a weight loss solution; it’s worked, you’ve dropped 2 stone already! Although you’re now missing 3 teeth, unable to string a sentence together & are on bail for multiple shoplifting offences. But you are thin! Every cloud.
Capricorn
The forceful bull of Taurus is teetering around Uranus signaling upheaval in your love life. You’ve considered going back on the game, don’t bother, you’ll only end up owing.
Sagittarius
A solicitor will contact you this month; a long lost relative has died & gifted you something in their will.
Their credit card debt & a parrot called Gordon with Tourettes.
Scorpio
Turning your focus inward should best support your recent needs. It’s time to kick back, relax & embrace the darker evenings! You’ll be slipping into something more comfortable as Autumn approaches; a coma.
Libra
Aphrodite & Venus are busy at work directing you to your one true love so don’t miss out! Your destiny lies with a conjoined twin holding a brief case at a Gary Glitter tribute gig. Keep your eyes peeled!
Virgo
You continue to adapt to challenges around you & are keen to learn new things. Consider bringing electricity & water together - don’t be afraid to shower whilst air frying a Findus crispy pancake.
Leo
For too long now you’ve been at the beck & call of a family member who has treated you like dirt & taken you for granted. It’s time to cut them out of your life & go no contact. At 4 years old it’s time they stood on their own 2 feet anyway, you don’t need that kind of hate in your life.
Cancer
You feel that everywhere you go people are talking about you. They are. Your body odour could be bottled & used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay. Consider increasing your personal care routine to at least 1 shower a week; wet wiping your bits every other day will no longer do.
Gemini
They say ‘blood is thicker than water’; not for you. The doctor is about to prescribe you blood thinners as your liver is about as much use as a fax machine. Consider milk on your cornflakes instead of Tesco Value Vodka.
Taurus
You’ve been spending a lot of time in the garden of late & you feel your efforts are finally paying off. Guess again, you’ve been cultivating Japanese knotweed since March & your foundations have now got more horrors than Fred West’s cellar.