It was a weird belief I started with: Entertainment is guilt, and it can only detriment my wellbeing.
I grew up believing watching TV shows, playing video games and going out with friends are stealing away time for me to concentrate on my study and making my money to live a life of financial freedom. While to a certain extent it is true, I always carried a sense of guilt after having all the good time spent of watching the shows and spending time with others.
I used to think entertaining is only making me to escape from real-world problem. It makes me fake and for me to be true to myself, I must not get myself involve in entertainment or whatever form of entertainment.
That’s how I struggled through my 27 years of life, having lots of conflict internally whenever I spent time doing something not for my studies or my work. It sucks. I feel superb uncomfortable, and I do not know why am I so annoyed at myself entertaining myself doing something not for my studies and not for my work (some ex-colleagues might now get it why I don’t go out for networking drink events because I cannot forgive myself having some fun time!)
I meditated, I prayed and I read a lot of self-help books. Just to make sure I can develop my mental strength to have laser focus in becoming an expert at whatever studies I put myself in and be however successful I desired in terms of material wealth.
I continued to get annoyed when people says to me, “Do not be so serious” and the famous Cantonese saying, “You will lose when you are serious (認真就輸啦)”. This is a constant battle for me as I fight my way all out to get my scholarships secured, to win in every competition I participate, to make sure I lead something meaningful in whatever I choose to participate in the community I care for and just because someone/ somewhere else in this world, this saying just makes me feel so s*** at my effort.
I worked and worked and worked and still, I am not seeing results I wanted to see. Others claimed that I was too ambitious/ I tried too hard to achieve and I was unable to bend and see the realities for what they are.
I felt myself constantly being uprooted in attempts of trying to impress myself to achieve further: my next project, my next encounter, my next network counterpart, my next workshop, my next EVERYTHING THAT SEEMS TO SECURE MYSELF to continue focus building my work and my money.
And still, I was too serious to achieve the everything I set next. No fun, no happiness, not enjoyable, no sense of achievement, not feeling secure nor safe and even worst, I grown into the most critical self-critic, I was addicted to victimized myself in every situations, even if someone is kind enough to tell me how inspired they are after talking to me and how appreciative they are of my work.
It was so scary to not be able to make decisions, as my self-critic outgrow my self-confidence. I lost self-boundaries and I have crisis in self-identity. I then turned into an online “Yes/No” Tarot free pick-a-card reading and amazingly, I found answers and response that tamed down that self-critic. Although it was not all bed of roses answers and some even cut me through towards my core problem, I finally found that there is something else that I can help myself with, and the guilt just cease to be.
I further explore Tarot cards in Youtube and surprisingly found other spirituality practice that was termed as “New Age Spirituality” which I feel myself being heard. Those messages in the videos I click just automatically guide me to a calmer space, which I was too impressed to stop working with them. It was then, a whole new world opens up to me.
Watching Youtube videos on Tarot pick-a-card reading and listening to spirituality messages/ practices helped me to calm my inner critic. I find myself in a calmer state when facing my 9 to 5 job and sometimes, given me the strength to go through my overtime and long hours travel between workplace and home. It was to me, a profound deep feeling of grounding energy and I no longer feel uprooted in my work and my everyday life.
LIFE! This is it, the missing piece that I make myself so confuse of, having time to “work and play” is what makes me balanced and calm, not just work and study. With those Tarot card messages that I practiced and worked with each and every session decoding energies behind my ego and self-critic mind, I am able to hear myself with loving ears and compassion, a space free of judgement and unconditional love.
I no longer focus to just work and money.
I am having so much fun doing something else for myself: cooking, cleaning up, watching videos, enjoying some soap operas, listening to music etc.
These activities suddenly make so much sense now (well I know it should make sense to so many of you out there, but me holding a belief of entertaining myself and doing something else outside of money and work is very sinful).
I then started a Youtube channel to publish Tarot cards reading for the collective, which is know as channeling the collective consciousness through Tarot and Oracle cards. It was quite new back then in 2018, but I drew inspiration from a few pioneer card readers.
Unfortunately, I did not persist to put myself out. I experienced even more annoyed and hidden emotions and feelings.
The Tarot and Oracle cards eventually led me to do my trigger work and I got myself into a near death experience. It was there, I learnt about self-boundaries from a session I had with a counselor.
Apparently, I am an empath and I easily sensed hidden feelings and emotions of people around me. That is why I sometimes feel so strange when I am initially at a high vibration and having good emotions, suddenly turned to an anxious and insecure being in some other people’s presence. It was until I understand how sensitive my energy body is I am able to finally end this occurrence, i.e. to protect myself in whatever situations I am in.
From there, I thrive. I never looked back. My confidence comes in naturally and this time, I didn’t even bother to prove to anyone. I just do my work, solve problems and have fun having conversations with people I care and those who matters to me.
Surprisingly, I start to find myself in a network of people who I feel natural to be with, without the need to speak as if they expect something I will talk about, I just speak to the people in the circumstance I am in and everything feels so natural, peace and calm. That is so weird even when I was in an argument with my R&D engineers, I am managed to feel even more peace after I communicated with them.
LIFE JUST CAME ALIVE!
I was so shocked at how working with the Tarot and Oracle cards has given me self-confidence and empowerment in every message they reveal to me, and most importantly they open me up to communicate with my Higher Beings, my spiritual team, my ancestors and everything spiritual that is so taboo to be talked about at my workplace, but they are making every sense in their guidance.
This is when, I decided, I am going to commit myself to channel messages for others through Tarot and Oracle cards. I do not know how my effort can help them, but I am ready to let their spirit team to use me as a channel.
Having experienced myself of holding the space for unconditional love, compassion and most importantly, non-judgement, I believe those who find their way to me, is going to experience themselves a state of unconditional acceptance of who they are, and loving themselves in every part of their journey no matter in their past, present or their future.
In summary, my weird belief of entertainment, my new found knowledge of self-boundaries and finally realizing potential of an empath are the reasons, why I want to be a Tarot reader.
And a SPECIAL THANK YOU to my brother, Kuan Shen, in encouraging me to explore Youtube which opens me up to a huge world of 'Pick-a-Card' Tarot readings, while I started my own channel to offer this beautiful creation of healing art.
You can find me at:
Soul Light Anchor:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnbZeercnjFxpdviZS25e0A/featured
Aqua Age Tarot:
初雪明心塔羅占卜：