If we really want to find common ground with other people, we need to learn to speak their language.
Everyone has their own background. Behind the personality is always a mixture of experiences, culture, living environment, social circles, and other prisms of perception of the world. In other words, we look at the world differently. Both literally and figuratively.
Our bodies are built on the same principles and have similar mechanisms of perception of the world, but each person is unique. Similarly, each cell and individual organ of our body is also unique. This greatly affects how we see the world and creates a tangible difference in our worldview, and this, in turn, affects how we react to certain circumstances in our lives.
The outside world is literally happening inside us. What we feel is a projection of the outside world that we feel thanks to our receptors.
Everyone has a unique lens of the eye and therefore perceives the shape of objects, clarity, and distance differently. In addition, the retina of each person may differ in the ratio of cones sensitive to different colors. That is, in addition to different shapes, we often see the same objects in different color spectra. After the retina, information is transmitted to the brain. And this is another prism that affects what image we get in the end. This means that when I tell you that I see green, this green can be very different from what you imagine.
In addition to sight, we differently perceive touches, sounds, tastes, warmth, weight, pleasure, emotions, pain, and many other components of the world. This difference in perception forms the uniqueness of our personality, but at the same time creates differences in mutual understanding.
If I have lived all my life in the small village, a five-storey house will be a multi-storey building for me. If you grew up in a metropolis - the same house will be small.
If you are a tall adult man, then a barking dog will seem to you a small annoying obstacle (for a dog you are a giant). If you are a little girl - the same dog will be at your waist and will look like a mortal threat (in fact it is).
If you were born and raised in China, Chinese will not be difficult for you, and hellishly spicy food will not be so spicy. For the average African, a normal amount of comfort and quality food for a European may seem like a royal luxury.
When I say what I think, it doesn't mean that you think the same. The words I say are likely to form different images in you than the ones I imagined when I spoke to you. And this is normal. If you have similar life experiences and similar receptors, the chances that you will understand me will be higher.
Words are a wonderful tool that can be used to understand each other. But random words used, even with great love, can be used against you.
It's all about perception. In order for a person to understand you, you need to speak their language. But how to do it?
Reference point
The language handles well with most everyday tasks. Especially when it comes to names.
Everyone understands what a chair, pen, or blouse is. We know what these words mean because we think about these things based on their purpose. We cannot call a bed a chair, because a bed is an object on which we sleep, and a chair is an object for sitting. At the same time, each of us has different images of objects when we hear the same words.
An object must perform a certain function in order for us to call it a specific word. But sometimes this set of features can change over time, as is often the case with technology (the smartphone in 2012 had different characteristics and appearance than the smartphone in 2022), or be very variable (what a chance that we will present the same "beautiful sofa"?). This allows us to capture the essence but does not give full understanding.
The scientific community has found a way to solve this problem. Reference systems were created for this purpose. I understand reference systems as clearly defined characteristics that do not change according to the method of measurement. Certain standards and values are the same for everyone. For example: meter, liter, kilogram, degree Celsius.
If I tell you that the bag is heavy, it will vary in weight feeling depending on your fitness, age, and gender. But if I say that the bag weighs 50 kilograms - you can imagine what it will be like for you. If I say that it is hot outside, you can imagine the temperature at which you are hot. But if I call 30 degrees Celsius - it will greatly clarify the situation.
This is possible due to the reference point. In this case, it is a measure of weight and temperature.
In my understanding, the reference point is the initial characteristics: the magnitude / measure / sensations from which I start when using a word.
We can understand each other through well-defined associations and characteristics. It works well with names, it works to describe situations, but when it comes to emotions, every detail is important. In this case, our usual language does not work so well.
If I say that I am in pain - you will go through the options of events when you thought that you were in pain, and think that I experienced something similar. If I say that I was offended - again walk through the associations that you have. But if I told you that I was walking on a slippery floor and came across a child running past. That I slipped, fell, and hurt my hand. And my new jacket was smeared. It was humiliating for me because there were a lot of people around and they were smiling. I could get more understanding from you. Because you would imagine what exactly happened.
In order to understand you, it is important to explain what you start from in your thoughts and do not forget that other people think differently. Tell the flow of your thoughts - it significantly improves communication. This is your reference point for others.
One important question remains. How do we understand others? Those who do not think about our perception during the conversation.
4 magic words
If we really want to communicate with other people, we need to learn to speak their language. To do this, we need to understand what the words they say to us mean to them. This is a simple but at the same time very important idea.
There is a significant difference between what a person puts into words, what says, and what we think when we hear it.
4 simple words to help us understand this:
what do you mean?
It's so simple and easy, but people rarely use it
In addition to the fact that words may not convey meaning, sometimes people tell us something with other things in mind. Therefore, we need to be more attentive and sensitive to our loved ones, and then we will learn to hear what they tell us between lines.
For example, "help me carry a suitcase" can mean "I want you to take care of me", simple "are you hungry?" sometimes means "I still love you", or even "everything is fine" can mean "I don't understand how to find a way out of this situation".
By the way, this applies not only to other people but also to ourselves. We ourselves must remember that words are only tools, and they are not perfect. Often we do not know how to express what we want to say, or we do not know which words will be more understandable to our interlocutor. In such cases, the good old question will always help us - what do I mean? Am I saying what I want to say? Does my interlocutor have the context to understand what I mean?
Be able to listen, do not be afraid to look for a reference point, ask the right questions, and you will be a great companion who can easily understand anyone.