control; alt; delete<temper>

control; alt; delete<temper>

Dec 29, 2021


~i wrote this during a mixed state (this is the definition via google: [<<This means you can have a depressive episode with mixed features, where the main symptoms are depressive but subclinical manic symptoms are also present. For example, you may feel depressed and also experience racing thoughts or rapid speech>>] I started to dissociate towards the end of my writing. Just a heads up.



This is the usually about the time I become disinterested in a “project.” I started this blog to document the good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet while things are bad right now, I’m choosing to hide. It feels cowardly. I want to be brave and scream out my feelings to the world. I want to announce the thoughts going on inside of my head for everyone to hear just so I can get rid of them. Is this a compulsive thought? I get obsessed with people. I go through people like they’re my toys. Once I get bored of them, I abandon them. Once they show their first sign of wear, I ditch them to go find a newer, shinier toy. I guess I really am like a goblin lol//I believe all people are kind. Is that contradictory?//I keep having dreams where Anne is in college and I’m left behind. I sometimes theorize that’s my brain predicting the future. It makes me feel like I’m gonna be dead before I get to see her graduate. Im worried I’m on my way out. Maybe it’s paranoia. I think the darkness is taking me over again. The heavy blanket of depression is settling back over my body once more. Am i doomed to have these thoughts forever? Will I fulfill the prophecy of me committing suicide and not living long enough to experience happiness? My spirit is tired. I know this is hard to hear. People don’t like it when I openly admit that I’m barely hanging on. I don’t like admitting that I’m barely hanging on. It feels like my heart has a thread on it, tugging in several different directions. My family is on the other end. I’m letting them down. Im bringing up stuff that I should leave lying buried deep deep underground//I think he’s lying. Maybe I’m reading too much into things. Maybe I want to believe he could change. But do I want him to change? Im really trying to be okay with not being someone’s favorite person. I want to be loved, admired and gushed over. I want people to look at me and think “Wow, Isn’t she the most beautiful girl in the world??” (Which is funny because I’m not a fucking girl!)I want to be good. I want to do good. I want to be praised. I require all of the attention all of the time. It should be all about me me ME!

End Scene.

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