The Discordian Book of Sacred Horsey Persons
Being an Inaccurate Revelation Concerning Chess, Chaos, Ares, Athena, Eris, Pawns, Popes, Apples, Horseys, and Why Nobody Should Ever Allow a Goddess of Discord to Arbitrate a Tournament
Translated from the Original Greek, which did not exist.
Annotations supplied by scholars who have since denied involvement.
THE FIRST WARNING TO THE READER
Reader:
You are about to encounter forbidden chess knowledge.
Some of it is true.
Some of it is false.
Some of it is Belgian.
Unfortunately, nobody remembers which is which.
Therefore approach this sacred text according to the First Principle of Discordian Chess:
THINK FOR YOURSELF, SCHMUCK.
Should enlightenment occur, consult a physician.
Should checkmate occur, shake hands.
Should Eris occur, hide the apples.
BOOK I
THE BOOK OF OPENINGS
And lo, Ares descended into Athens seeking war.
But war had the afternoon off.
So Ares entered a café.
There he discovered two elderly men sitting before a board of sixty-four squares.
They stared at each other.
Nobody moved.
Nobody spoke.
Nobody stabbed anybody.
Ares watched for eleven minutes.
Finally he demanded:
“WHEN DOES THE BATTLE BEGIN?”
One old man replied:
“About forty minutes ago.”
Ares looked around.
“Where are the corpses?”
“There aren't any.”
“Prisoners?”
“No.”
“Burning cities?”
“No.”
“Siege engines?”
The old man lifted a rook.
“Sort of.”
Ares leaned closer.
The other man moved his queen.
“Checkmate.”
The first man sighed.
Then he extended his hand.
Ares' jaw dropped.
“You defeated him?”
“Yes.”
“And he admits it?”
“Yes.”
“WITHOUT A TWENTY-YEAR WAR?”
“Yes.”
Ares grabbed an empty chair.
“TEACH ME THIS.”
Thus chess entered the theology of Olympus.
Historians generally regard this as a mistake.
THE FIRST REVELATION OF ARES
After three lessons, Ares announced that he understood chess completely.
After four lessons, he understood it considerably less.
After five lessons, he had developed theories.
This was worse.
He renamed the pieces.
The pawns became:
INFANTRY.
The rooks became:
FORTIFIED MURDER RECTANGLES.
The bishops became:
SUSPICIOUS DIAGONAL CLERGY.
The queen became:
THE EXTREMELY MOBILE MINISTER OF DEFENSE.
The king became:
THE IMPORTANT PERSON EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO DIE FOR.
And the knights became:
HORSEYS.
His instructor objected.
“They're knights.”
Ares picked one up.
“This is a horse.”
“It represents a knight.”
“Where is the knight?”
“On the horse.”
Ares examined the piece.
“No knight.”
“He's implied.”
Ares stared suspiciously at the Horsey.
Thus began the Great Horsey Schism.
It continues today.
THE FIVE SACRED OPENINGS OF ERIS
According to the oldest surviving manuscript of the Principia Chessica, there are exactly five sacred chess openings.
There are actually seven.
This proves the Law of Fives.
Do not think about this too hard.
I. THE GOLDEN APPLE GAMBIT
1. e4 e5
2. Nf3 Nc6
3. 🍎
Black now has several theoretical responses.
3...What?
is considered strongest.
3...You can't do that
leads to the Main Line.
3...Arbiter!
is a serious positional error because Eris is the arbiter.
The Golden Apple Gambit is therefore considered nearly unbeatable.
II. THE POPE'S DEFENSE
At any moment a player may declare:
I AM A POPE.
This is completely valid under Discordian ecclesiastical tradition.
The opponent may respond:
SO AM I.
Both players then possess identical theological authority.
Which is none.
If either player attempts to excommunicate the opponent's bishops, the position enters the complicated variation known as:
THE REFORMATION.
Chess engines refuse to evaluate this position on historical grounds.
III. THE FNORD VARIATION
1. d4 Nf6
2. c4 e6
3. Nc3 Fnord
You did not see Black's third move.
There was no third move.
Stop asking about Black's third move.
Black has always had that bishop on g7.
Please return to your regularly scheduled reality.
IV. SCHRÖDINGER'S DEFENSE
A piece is placed inside a cardboard box.
Until observed, it is simultaneously:
a bishop,
a rook,
captured,
uncaptured,
winning,
losing,
and probably annoyed.
Opening the box immediately collapses the evaluation.
Grandmasters therefore prefer to shake it gently.
V. THE ILLUMINATUS ATTACK
All thirty-two pieces secretly belong to a conspiracy.
Neither player knows which conspiracy.
The objective is to discover who controls the center.
Eventually both players realize the center controls them.
The game is scored:
½–½–23
Nobody knows what 23 represents.
People who claim to know are precisely the people you should worry about.
BOOK II
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO STOCKFISH
And Eris went unto the computer.
And she installed Stockfish.
And Stockfish looked upon the position.
And Stockfish said:
+0.37
Eris asked:
“What does this mean?”
Stockfish replied:
White is slightly better.
Eris asked:
“Better according to whom?”
Stockfish calculated 38 million positions.
Eris waited.
Stockfish calculated another 38 million positions.
Eris smiled.
“Having trouble?”
Stockfish displayed:
+0.42
Eris laughed.
“You changed your mind.”
Stockfish replied:
DEPTH 41.
“You changed your mind WITH NUMBERS.”
Stockfish began calculating faster.
Eris placed an apple on e5.
Stockfish stopped.
ILLEGAL POSITION.
Eris leaned toward the monitor.
“Reality contains illegal positions.”
Stockfish responded:
ERROR.
“Exactly.”
And thus was Artificial Intelligence introduced to theology.
It has regretted this ever since.
BOOK III
THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF THE HORSEY PERSON
And Athena descended from Olympus bearing stone tablets.
Upon them were written the Laws of Chess.
Eris replaced them overnight.
The following commandments appeared instead.
COMMANDMENT THE FIRST
THOU SHALT NOT CALL THE HORSEY A KNIGHT WITHOUT PRODUCING THE KNIGHT.
Athena protested:
“It represents mounted cavalry.”
Eris replied:
“Where is the rider?”
Athena answered:
“He is symbolically present.”
Eris nodded.
“So now we're doing metaphysics.”
Athena realized she had walked directly into the trap.
COMMANDMENT THE SECOND
THE HORSEY SHALL MOVE IN AN L BECAUSE STRAIGHT LINES ARE FOR ROOKS AND TAX ACCOUNTANTS.
Ares approved this commandment.
Athena reluctantly admitted it was technically accurate.
COMMANDMENT THE THIRD
THE HORSEY MAY JUMP OVER OTHER PIECES BECAUSE THE HORSEY RECOGNIZES NO BORDER CONTROLS.
Ares asked:
“What about fortified positions?”
The Horsey jumped over them.
Ares stared.
“I respect this animal.”
COMMANDMENT THE FOURTH
TWO HORSEYS SHALL NEVER BE CALLED HORSES BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE.
The official notation uses N.
This is because K is already occupied by the king.
Ares considered this proof that chess notation was invented by bureaucrats.
COMMANDMENT THE FIFTH
WHEN IN DOUBT, HORSEY TO F3.
This is not always strategically correct.
It is, however, spiritually satisfying.
BOOK IV
THE TOURNAMENT OF ARES AND ATHENA
Eventually Athena heard what Ares was doing.
Hermes delivered the news.
“Ares has learned chess.”
Athena looked up from her book.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“How badly?”
“He calls gambits blood offerings.”
Athena closed the book.
“He does not.”
“He calls castling tactical evacuation.”
Athena stood.
“He does not.”
“He calls en passant French treachery.”
Athena stopped.
“Well.”
Hermes waited.
“That one is at least linguistically understandable.”
Ares, meanwhile, was undefeated in seventeen consecutive games according to Ares.
According to everybody else, he had lost fourteen, drawn one, won one, and overturned one board.
The overturned board remained under appeal.
Athena arrived carrying a chess set.
“Ares.”
“SISTER.”
“I challenge you.”
“To war?”
“To chess.”
Ares grinned.
“Same thing.”
“No.”
“That's what someone losing the initiative would say.”
Athena's eyebrow moved.
Somewhere in Thessaly, a volcano reconsidered its career.
BOOK V
THE COMING OF THE ARBITER
“We require an arbiter,” Athena said.
A golden apple rolled across the floor.
Athena immediately said:
“No.”
Ares immediately said:
“We should leave.”
Hermes immediately began selling tickets.
The apple stopped between them.
Upon it were carved the words:
TO THE MOST OBJECTIVE.
There came laughter from underneath the tournament table.
Eris emerged wearing a striped shirt, one roller skate, sunglasses, and an official badge:
INTERNATIONAL CHAOS ARBITER
LICENSE NO. 00023
Athena stared.
“You are not qualified.”
Eris produced a certificate.
Athena examined it.
It read:
CERTIFICATE OF QUALIFICATION
This certifies that
ERIS KALLISTI DISCORDIA
has successfully certified herself as qualified to certify herself.
Signed,
Eris
Witnessed,
Also Eris
Athena handed it back.
“This proves nothing.”
Eris stamped the scoresheet.
“Accepted.”
THE FIVE RULES OF TOURNAMENT CONDUCT
Eris addressed the players.
“Rule One: Touch move applies unless touching the piece was metaphorical.”
Athena raised her hand.
“No.”
“Rule Two: Players may not receive outside assistance except from gods, mortals, computers, ghosts, cab drivers, imaginary friends, or unusually persuasive pigeons.”
“No.”
“Rule Three: Mobile phones must be switched off unless Zeus calls.”
Zeus nodded.
“Reasonable.”
“Rule Four: Apples are neutral pieces.”
“NO.”
“Rule Five: There is no Rule Five.”
Ares raised his hand.
“You just said Rule Five.”
“Correct.”
“So there is one.”
“Incorrect.”
Athena whispered:
“Don't.”
Ares continued.
“But you numbered it.”
Eris smiled.
Ares suddenly understood why Athena had said don't.
BOOK VI
THE MATCH
Athena had White.
Ares had Black.
Athena played:
1. e4
Ares responded:
...c5
Athena looked up.
“The Sicilian Defense.”
Ares smiled.
“I studied.”
Athena nodded.
“Good.”
Eris gasped.
“You complimented him.”
“Yes.”
“Athena, this is a competitive event.”
“Sportsmanship exists.”
Eris consulted her rulebook.
“Not anymore.”
Play continued.
2. Nf3 d6
3. d4 cxd4
4. Nxd4
Ares stared at the position.
Then something extraordinary happened.
He thought.
Not loudly.
Not violently.
He simply thought.
Five minutes passed.
Then:
...Nf6
Athena studied him.
“You're developing.”
“Yes.”
“Instead of attacking.”
“Yes.”
“You understand development?”
Ares frowned.
“I hate that word.”
“Why?”
“It sounds peaceful.”
“It means bringing pieces into useful positions.”
Ares brightened.
“DEPLOYMENT.”
“Fine.”
“I'm deploying.”
And so Ares discovered positional chess.
BOOK VII
THE HERESY OF PATIENCE
Around move twenty-seven, Ares declined an attack.
Athena froze.
“You could have captured that pawn.”
“Yes.”
“You didn't.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“My position would become weaker.”
Athena stared.
Hermes dropped his wine.
Zeus whispered:
“Is he sick?”
Ares moved his rook.
“I realized something.”
Athena waited.
“Not attacking can sometimes improve the attack.”
“Yes.”
“And sometimes the strongest move looks weak.”
“Yes.”
“And sometimes retreat isn't defeat.”
“Yes.”
Ares stared at the board.
“This game is horrible.”
Athena smiled.
“You're learning.”
“I preferred chess when I thought it was miniature warfare.”
“It is miniature warfare.”
“No. This is philosophy disguised as miniature warfare.”
Eris suddenly blew a whistle.
“STOP THE GAME!”
Everyone jumped.
“What?” Athena demanded.
Eris pointed at them.
“You're learning from each other.”
“Yes.”
“This is becoming dangerously wholesome.”
BOOK VIII
THE PARABLE OF THE PAWN
And Eris took a pawn.
She placed it before Ares.
“What is this?”
“A soldier.”
She asked Athena.
“What is this?”
“A pawn.”
Eris asked Hermes.
“What is this?”
“Worth approximately one point.”
She asked Dionysus.
“A tiny drinking companion.”
She asked Zeus.
“A subject.”
The pawn said nothing.
Eris smiled.
“Interesting.”
Athena frowned.
“What is your point?”
“My point is that nobody asked the pawn.”
Ares looked at the pawn.
Athena looked at the pawn.
The pawn remained wooden.
“It's an object,” Athena said.
“Convenient,” Eris replied.
Then she moved it forward.
One square.
“Every empire loves pieces that move only forward.”
Athena became quiet.
Ares became quiet.
Eris continued.
“Until they reach the other side.”
She placed the pawn on the eighth rank.
“And become whatever they choose.”
Athena corrected her.
“Queen, rook, bishop, or knight.”
Eris looked offended.
“Fine. Whatever they choose from the approved list.”
Ares laughed.
Even Athena smiled.
BOOK IX
THE GREAT EN PASSANT CONTROVERSY
Ares advanced a pawn two squares.
Athena captured en passant.
Ares stood.
“FRENCH TREACHERY!”
“It is legal.”
“YOU CAPTURED A SOLDIER FROM A SQUARE HE WAS NO LONGER OCCUPYING.”
“Yes.”
“WITCHCRAFT.”
“Chess.”
“FRENCH WITCHCRAFT.”
Eris stopped the clock.
She examined the position.
Then she announced:
“Athena's move is legal.”
Ares crossed his arms.
“Under protest.”
“However,” Eris continued, “Ares' description of the move as witchcraft possesses considerable poetic merit.”
Athena sighed.
“Can we continue?”
“No.”
“Why?”
Eris pointed toward the captured pawn.
“We need an autopsy.”
BOOK X
THE BOOK OF FALSE FIDE REGULATIONS
The following regulations are NOT recognized by FIDE.
This is important.
Actual FIDE rules describe a normal 8×8 board, ordinary pieces, legal en passant, algebraic notation, and arbiters expected to exercise sound judgment.
Discordian tournament organizers rejected these requirements as dangerously sensible.
Thus:
ARTICLE 23.1
If both players believe they are winning, the position shall be declared normal.
ARTICLE 23.2
If neither player understands the position, the game shall be annotated !?
ARTICLE 23.3
If the arbiter does not understand the position, the arbiter shall speak confidently.
ARTICLE 23.4
If Stockfish does not understand the position, unplug Stockfish before it achieves enlightenment.
ARTICLE 23.5
Any player shouting “CHECKMATE!” before actually delivering checkmate must buy everyone tea.
ARTICLE 23.6
The Golden Apple counts as neither White nor Black.
It counts as Trouble.
ARTICLE 23.7
Trouble moves wherever it wants.
BOOK XI
WHY BOBBY FISCHER IS NOT ALLOWED ON OLYMPUS
The Olympian Chess Committee once considered inviting Bobby Fischer.
Hermes reviewed the paperwork.
Athena reviewed the games.
Apollo reviewed the historical timeline.
Eris reviewed absolutely nothing.
After several hours, Zeus asked:
“Well?”
Athena said:
“Extraordinary chess player.”
Hermes said:
“Complicated human being.”
Apollo said:
“He is also dead.”
Zeus nodded.
“That complicates travel.”
Hades entered.
“I can arrange transportation.”
Everyone stared at him.
Hades shrugged.
“What? For once I have relevant professional experience.”
Eris stamped the application:
DENIED.
Athena asked:
“Why?”
Eris replied:
“We already have enough arguments.”
This remains the only sensible administrative decision Eris ever made.
BOOK XII
THE APOCRYPHA OF THE SACRED CLOCK
The chess clock had three buttons:
WHITE
BLACK
and
REGRET
Nobody knew what Regret did.
Athena wisely refused to touch it.
Ares desperately wanted to touch it.
This is the fundamental difference between Athena and Ares.
Zeus pressed it.
This is the fundamental problem with Zeus.
The universe stopped.
The clocks stopped.
The planets stopped.
Somewhere, a philosopher halfway through saying “technically” was mercifully frozen.
Then everything resumed.
The clock displayed:
23:23
Belgium disappeared.
Nobody panicked because Belgium had disappeared during the previous tournament too.
It returned Thursday.
Belgium refused to discuss the matter.
BOOK XIII
THE FINAL POSITION
After sixty-four moves, Athena had an advantage.
After seventy-two, Ares equalized.
After eighty-three, nobody understood anything.
After ninety-one, Eris had somehow acquired a second queen despite not being a player.
At move ninety-nine the board contained:
two kings,
one queen,
three rooks,
two bishops,
four Horsey Persons,
six pawns,
one Golden Apple,
one ceramic goat,
a cup of tea,
Zeus' keys,
a bus transfer,
and Belgium.
Athena stared.
“Belgium isn't a chess piece.”
Belgium remained diplomatically silent.
Ares pointed toward the goat.
“What about that?”
“Also not a chess piece.”
Eris consulted the regulations.
“Objection overruled.”
“Why?”
“The goat has seniority.”
BOOK XIV
THE LAST MOVE
Eventually Ares saw it.
A forced checkmate.
Three moves.
He reached toward his queen.
Then stopped.
Athena saw it too.
She smiled.
Ares moved.
Athena replied.
Ares moved again.
Check.
Athena blocked.
Ares lifted his rook.
He looked at Athena.
She nodded.
The rook descended.
“Checkmate.”
Silence.
Then Athena extended her hand.
“Well played.”
Ares shook it.
“Thank you.”
For once there was no boasting.
No thunder.
No overturned board.
No divine declaration of supremacy.
War had learned patience.
Wisdom had accepted defeat.
Eris looked horrified.
“This ending is intolerably meaningful.”
She grabbed the Golden Apple.
Athena shouted:
“ERIS.”
Too late.
Eris rolled the apple across the board.
Pieces scattered everywhere.
“There.”
She smiled.
“Much better.”
EPILOGUE
THE FIVE LESSONS OF THE SACRED BOARD
Later, Athena found a parchment nailed to the door of the tournament hall.
It contained five sentences.
She read them.
I.
A board is not the world.
II.
A rule is not reality.
III.
Strategy cannot eliminate uncertainty.
IV.
Your opponent may understand something you do not.
V.
Never confuse winning the game with understanding why you were playing.
Athena read them again.
Ares approached.
“Eris wrote that?”
“Apparently.”
Ares frowned.
“It's surprisingly wise.”
Athena turned the parchment over.
On the back Eris had written:
HORSEY GO L-SHAPE.
Ares nodded.
“There she is.”
And they played again.
APPENDIX I
THE DISCORDIAN CHESS CATECHISM
Q: What is chess?
A: Sixty-four squares arguing about monarchy.
Q: What is a pawn?
A: A future queen with terrible working conditions.
Q: What is a rook?
A: Architecture experiencing anger.
Q: What is a bishop?
A: Diagonal theology.
Q: What is a knight?
A: Produce the rider.
Q: Horsey?
A: Horsey.
Q: What is the queen?
A: Evidence that the king has wildly exaggerated his importance.
Q: What is the king?
A: The least mobile piece around which everyone has constructed an entire political system.
Q: What is check?
A: A strongly worded letter.
Q: What is checkmate?
A: The letter has been delivered.
Q: What is stalemate?
A: Winning so badly you accidentally didn't.
Q: What is en passant?
A: French treachery.
Q: Is that accurate?
A: No.
Q: Will Ares stop saying it?
A: Also no.
APPENDIX II
THE FIVE BEATITUDES OF THE CHESSBOARD
Blessed are the pawns,
for they shall inherit the eighth rank.
Blessed are the Horseys,
for straight lines bore them.
Blessed are those who blunder,
for humility shall arrive immediately.
Blessed are those who resign lost positions,
for dinner awaits them.
Blessed are those who examine their assumptions,
for occasionally the board is not the board they thought they were playing on.
APPENDIX III
THE DISCORDIAN PLAYER'S PRAYER
Our Goddess,
who art probably somewhere,
chaotic be thy game.
Thy Horsey come.
Thy weirdness be done
on e4
as it is on h5.
Give us this day
our daily blunder,
and forgive us our hanging queens,
as we laugh at those
who hang queens against us.
Lead us not into opening theory,
but deliver us from memorization.
For thine is the Apple,
the Goat,
and the Questionable Arbiter,
for approximately five minutes.
Or longer.
Whatever.
HAIL ERIS.
ALL HAIL DISCORDIA.
APPENDIX IV
OFFICIAL OLYMPIAN TOURNAMENT RECORD
Event: First Olympian Championship of Metaphysical Chess
White: Athena
Black: Ares
Arbiter: Eris
Assistant Arbiter: Nobody volunteered.
Venue: Olympus
Time Control: 90 minutes + 30 seconds increment + existential uncertainty.
Result: Disputed.
Appeal: Rejected.
Appeal of Rejection: Misplaced.
Appeal of Misplaced Appeal: Found behind refrigerator.
Final Classification:
1–0*
*subject to ontological review.
COLOPHON
Thus ends the Principia Chessica.
No doctrine contained herein should be believed merely because it appears in a sacred book.
No chess advice contained herein should be followed merely because Ares shouted it.
No rule should be considered eternal merely because someone laminated it.
No Horsey Person should be asked to explain its ontology during tournament play.
And if you ever become absolutely certain that you understand everything:
Look again.
You probably missed a move.
Or an apple.
Or Belgium.
And remember the oldest saying of the Discordian chess masters:
BEFORE ENLIGHTENMENT:
e4.
AFTER ENLIGHTENMENT:
e4.
DURING ENLIGHTENMENT:
HORSEY TO f3.
HAIL ERIS.
ALL HAIL DISCORDIA.
23
FNORD
1. e4 🍎