I thought I was doing everything right, I loved my children without conditions, I showed up for them, and I was there trying to fight for what they needed or whatnot. I thought I did all the things to not repeat the history of how I’d been raised.
And then it happened …
My first child grew up and then I realized; I had repeated my history without realizing it, just in a different way. After listening to them express their woes or concerns about various things that occurred in their childhood at the doing of ME, I realized that I had created similar feelings in my first child that I had when I was their age.
And it hurt … so badly.
I was full of emotions. I was sad that I had repeated things that were done to me, in different ways, but alas leaving my first “child” all grown up feeling similar feelings that I had during this age. I was grateful that we had a relationship where she could open up to share how she felt and felt at various times during her upbringing with me.
It was a very eye-welling-up-with-tears moment for me listening to this …
Hearing my first adult child express personal feelings and details of how they felt during their upbringing made me realize that we can’t change the patterns. We cannot do the thing we hope so desperately to do as a parent, not repeat the mistakes of our elders, because we don’t quite understand what those mistakes are deep to the core, and we also carry wounds into parenthood without realizing it.
You see, I brought a lot of wounds into motherhood, and while I went to therapy, I did the work, and I thought I was doing mostly right things with good intentions, I still had wounds as a human being that were brought into the mix.
I was creating feelings at some point in the upbringing of this child that caused her to feel less than important to her mother and in fact, abandoned at times. This hurt to hear. But being the understanding person I try to be, I could see it all.
I could see where she got those feelings, and the part that I played in creating those feelings, and it all clicked in that moment. I had been more broken than I realized and repeated history.
As soon as I realized this, I started diving deeper into history and human beings’ behaviors, I wanted to see if this was a “thing” that most humans do. And that brought to me the book The Fourth Turning which is more about historical patterns, but I swear it’s a similar thing that we do as parents.
We repeat this cycle of human behavior that occurs when we become a parent. It’s just how it is. I am not certain that we can change that. I think that, if you create an open space at home, and your kids grow up to be adults, you will find (even in the smallest of instances) that you repeated some form of the pattern that your parents displayed to you.
And it made your child feel less than important, and sad or abandoned …
It sucks to know this, but I’m grateful to know it. Why? Because now I can share what I’ve done and what I’ve experienced as a parent who is nearing the time to have TWO adult kids. I want so badly to let Moms know that they’re doing their best, and that’s all you can do!
While your child may become an adult and express feelings that seem weird, unreasonable, or unrealistic, it’s how they feel. They’re feeling this way right now, and your job is to listen, to say you understand, or ask questions so you can understand.
Try to ask questions. Be curious. And remember that, while you did do a lot to help your child, they’re sharing the life they had from their perspective at the age that they’re at right now. Believe me, I was once that angry and ungrateful 18+ year old at one time in my life, too! Perhaps you can relate to feeling that during those years, too? If you’re honest with yourself.
I can say the worst thing to do in this moment is to blame them and retaliate in pain and anger at them. It’s not the time or place. Just be open to listen, and ask questions. If you need to talk it out later with someone, go to therapy and confide in your spouse with those adult feelings. Do not cause more harm to the relationship by lashing out; your child does not need that right now (yes, even at their adult age).
I’ve done a lot of work now, to be more aware of how my actions may hurt my children, being adults or not, and while I am sure I still say things or share things or do things that hurt their feelings; I hope they come to a time in their lives when they realized that I loved them with all my heart, the best way I could in every season of this life.
Hang on, Mamas, it’s a wild ride this thing called motherhood.
Do everything with love. xoxo.