As society continues to change, and new adults come of age, I noticed a trend that I didn't do when I was raising my younger kids. These kids are older now, so I refer to them as "a time when I was raising younger kids". Back in the day when my son got his first DX of "high functioning autism" from a wonderful private psychologist who also had a son on the spectrum (her son was an adult, mine was 8 years old at the time), I didn't tell my son about his DX.
I mean, my son knew he had some sort of DX as we eventually had a 504 and we did things like Occupational Therapy (OT), music therapy (that went with the OT), and had a family counselor who eventually was his counselor until it became silly to even go for all they did was play chess and this boy didn't talk much.
All of those things were helpful, but one thing I felt wasn't helpful.
The limitations the so-called experts give when your child is given a diagnosis. What a way to try to diminish the spirits of the parent and child. His father and I were told that this kid wouldn't ever do x,y, or z. 🙄
In school, they tried to place him in this social group for kids on the spectrum, but due to his upbringing and his unique personality; he didn't feel like he was a part of that group. Due to this kid never being told he had limitations, or anything of the such, he was able to find his own way in this world with his family and his chosen friends on the side.
Over time, the public school system was just not a good fit and this kid wanted to homeschool like his sister. We knew the charter school, that his sister graduated from, wouldn't work for his mind. I opted to do a more unschooling option for this son, and then his younger brother came home around the same time to do a more untraditional school education program known as unschooling.
It worked well, and both are now graduated. 👏
Okay, so back to the beginning again here .... around the preteen years. This is the time when we told our son about his diagnosis. He is DXd with "high function autism" which they no longer acknowledge in their big book of diagnosis, but it's the one that we go with because that is indeed his DX. 🙄
Our son nodded and said he knew that he had some sort of DX since he had the 504 at the public school and went to that psychologist, and had OT in his younger days, etc. He's a smart kiddo, and catches on to things that he see in this world.
In our situation not telling our son about his DX made sense. It worked for us. While I won't tell other parents what to do, I am going to share more about how I feel about this subject ... and maybe lend you some helpful tips.
When you Tell a Kid They're Limited by a Diagnosis
First, here are my thoughts on what I've seen within family units who tell their kid about a diagnosis that the kid has. This kid now uses it as an excuse, and I don't mean that word negatively, to not try harder or do better in their life.
Often times, the kid that knows their DX is told by their parents and other caregivers that they will "never be this" or "never do that", which is quite honestly a literal statement for a young child or even a preteen and emotional teenager to take in.
They will give up in many instances, if they don't have the encouraging people around them that thankfully our son had both in school (thank you to the Guidance Counselor I love here) and others who supported our son when he was in the public school system.
I've seen children just use their DX as an excuse for poor behavior or to not do things. For example; I know a child who was diagnosed with anxiety at a young age or maybe it was PTSD or something along those lines of DXs ... and they continuously said they had this so that they couldn't do this activity or that activity ... I could hear their parent's voice in these sentences.
I recall a time when my mother, although I didn't have my Generalized Anxiety Disorder til later in life mid-20s, told me that I wouldn't be able to handle college because I couldn't take my car that first year and I would get homesick. I'm not blaming my Mom at all, rather I am sharing my experience from a childhood moment that lends the example of how a parent, although they don't mean to, can inhibit a child from growth. I never went to that college after high school for I got anxious about that statement. 🤷♀️
If Mom reads this, do not take this as me blaming you. We've chatted before about things, and I still to this day believe you did the best you could & knew how to as a mother to us. I love you. This is just me sharing a personal experience story. xoxo 💓
So see, parents can influence a child's choices simply by reminding them of their little quirks. I don't think parents do this on purpose, I believe they have the best intentions. I think that most parents want their children to have the best possible options in life, so if their child has something like anxiety that causes home sickness, they're going to remind their child of that to shield the child from "pain".
I understand the concept. I just don't believe in it. It doesn't shield them. The child is meant to have the path they're meant to have, so while you continue to shield them, all you're doing is prolonging the life lessons in their life path that they must walk to grow stronger and into the human they're meant to be.
In fact, I dare say if you hinder this growth, you may curb them from every living the type of life they're meant to live. 🤯 (and I am guilty of doing this on accident at times, every parent is)
How to approach a diagnosis with your Kid
I say that you approach the diagnosis discussion with your kid based on what works for your family. I am a huge advocate for allowing families to raise their kids as they see fit. I don't believe in the state taking away kids for the latest reasons that I've been witnessing all over the world. 😭
Or that a child runs away because their parent scolded them for not following rules that are designated to follow inside the home. I think that a family is sacred and each should do what they should to raise their kids.
Remember what I said earlier; I believe each child is born to go on a path that's meant for them and when we do things like split up their family, or shield them from some painful experiences - we may be ruining their flow of a life experience that helps them help others in the future.
The things in society I see today that are splitting up families is upsetting my heart. 🥹
I don't believe that every family is the same, and I don't believe that one "rule" or one "law" can be blanketed across all family units. Why? Because each of us, including our kids are unique.
I feel that if your child has a diagnosis that you consider all ways in which sharing that DX may help or harm them ...
Will you child use the information to research the topic to death and then come back with questions or come back with excuses?
Does your child tend to be a "rise above it" type of person or are they more apt to get sadder when told a DX that they have?
How well does your child communicate or comprehend things?
What can you do to help the growth your child whether or not they know their DX?
These are just questions to ask yourself after you get a DX for your child. Each of us is different, but I can say for sure - I don't regret telling my son about his DX later in life. I feel he may have used it as an excuse to do less, but because he was raised by go-getter parents who rose above things and looked to the positive and hopeful side of life (more often than not), he was able to excel and become the person he is today at age 18 without thinking he had limitations.
He understands his self and can express to others what he has a difficult time with. For example, without getting into his personal stories, I was listening to him explain to me which character either from a comic book or an anime he is most like and why. It was very interesting to hear this from a now adult kid who I was told wouldn't be able to express or comprehend things like that in his life.
It's a beautiful thing, this raising kids blessing, so I say do it your way but always remain a bit more open to hearing how your kids feel, and adjust your mind for each child as they are each a soul that was placed in your life for a reason ...
What are your thoughts on this topic? Do tell me below. Let's discuss openly and without fear of judgement.