Of course, I am going to preface this by saying what you should think about after a breakup may vary depending on whether or not it was an amicable breakup, a breakup from an abusive person, or some other breakup option that people have experienced.
Today, for what came to my mind to write, this is just going to be a simple blog post here on Buy Me a Coffee to hopefully help you get inspired to look inward and not reach out to the ex for closure as that could be disastrous (trust me).
Things to Think About After a Breakup
I am going to first remind you that reaching out to an ex after a breakup, especially if it was a harmful experience such as they committed a crime against you or it was drama between the two of you, or something similar, can be a horrible idea.
The reason I say this is because I've done it. Now, there's only ONE ex that showed me why this is a horrible reason. They will then turn you into the bad guy, although I don't believe anyone is all bad or all good, so remember you're just human with feelings trying to make sense of the nonsense that occurred in your life.
But you will not get it from that person, so please do not try it.
What Missing Piece Did this Person Fill?
I've been doing so much soul-searching lately, and this is something I thought of as a good first step when working through inner stuff after a breakup. You must find out what missing piece this person filled for you.
I know that some research suggests that if you are obsessed with the ex, even years later, like you still think of them even if you shouldn't, then maybe they are filling some void you have or trauma you have from your inner child days. This is why I love learning more about healing the inner child stuff, but man it's hard to do that alone. Perhaps try this book about the inner healing of that little child that yes exists in all of us.
I think you need to just do the hard work to figure this out, or maybe not. I am not sure. Who am I? I am still trying to learn how one heals from a relationship after realizing that I never quite healed from one that I really, really, really was intensely active in. My entire heart and soul were captured ... not being dramatic 😉
Just save yourself from yourself, and work on some inner healing with therapy, that inner child book, and maybe even some cognitive behavior therapy.
What aspects of the relationship were not working for me, and why?
Identify the elements of the relationship that were unsatisfactory or harmful. This might include communication issues, incompatibility, or different life goals. Understanding these factors can help you recognize what you want and don't want in future relationships:
Compatibility Issues: Reflect on whether you and your partner share common values, interests, and life goals. Compatibility is key to a relationship's success. If there were significant differences in your personalities, interests, or future aspirations, these could have contributed to the relationship not working out.
Communication Dynamics: Consider how both of you communicated with each other. Were there frequent misunderstandings? Did you feel heard and understood by your partner? Poor communication can lead to unresolved conflicts and feelings of frustration or loneliness in a relationship.
Emotional and Physical Connection: Evaluate the emotional and physical bond between you two. Did you feel emotionally supported? Was there a healthy physical connection? Lack of emotional intimacy or physical affection can be a significant factor in the dissatisfaction in a relationship.
Trust and Honesty: Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Reflect on whether there were issues with trust or honesty. Infidelity, lying, or consistently broken promises can erode trust and make a relationship untenable.
Respect and Boundaries: Think about how respect was demonstrated in the relationship. Were your boundaries respected? Did you feel valued and treated with kindness? A lack of respect can manifest in many ways, including controlling behavior, constant criticism, or neglect.
Individual Growth and Independence: Sometimes, a relationship can hinder personal growth. Consider if the relationship was supportive of your individuality and personal ambitions. Were you able to maintain your independence, or did you feel stifled?
Handling of Conflicts: Reflect on how conflicts were resolved. Were they addressed in a healthy way, or were they avoided or handled destructively? Persistent unresolved conflicts or unhealthy conflict resolution strategies can be a major reason why a relationship doesn't work.
Contribution and Effort: Assess the balance of effort in the relationship. Did both partners contribute equally, or was there an imbalance? Relationships often struggle when one partner feels they are putting in more effort than the other.
What have I learned from this relationship?
Reflect on the experiences and lessons you gained from the relationship. Consider what it taught you about yourself, your needs, and your boundaries. Understanding these lessons can help you in future relationships and personal growth.
To be honest? This is easy to do on the surface level ... like I could tell you exactly what I learned from a breakup; I didn't set good boundaries, and I gave too much away before it should have been given way (hence wait at least 6 months or longer before physical connection together, please!!!), and other tidbits of info like I let the person alone in my house when I shouldn't have, and none of that is his fault.
Understanding Your Needs and Preferences: You learn more about what you need and want in a relationship. This can include emotional needs, communication styles, and shared values or interests. Recognizing what makes you feel fulfilled and happy in a relationship is vital for future partnerships.
Personal Boundaries: The relationship may have taught you about your boundaries and limits. This includes what you are willing to tolerate and where you draw the line. Understanding and maintaining your boundaries is essential for healthy relationships.
Communication Skills: You might have gained insights into how you communicate in a relationship, including your strengths and areas for improvement. Perhaps you learned the importance of open and honest communication, or how to effectively resolve conflicts.
Self-awareness and Personal Growth: Relationships often teach us about ourselves. You may have discovered new aspects of your personality, learned how to be more independent, or understood how your actions and behaviors affect others.
Handling Conflict and Compromise: Understanding how to navigate disagreements and find compromises is a valuable lesson. Reflect on how conflicts were managed and what you learned about resolving issues respectfully and constructively.
Trust and Vulnerability: You may have learned about your ability to trust and be vulnerable with someone else. This includes understanding how trust is built and maintained, and how vulnerability is necessary for deep connections.
The Role of Compatibility: The relationship might have highlighted the importance of compatibility in various areas, such as life goals, hobbies, and values. Understanding what compatibility means to you can guide you in future relationships.
Resilience and Coping with Loss: Enduring a breakup teaches resilience and how to cope with loss and disappointment. This experience can strengthen your ability to handle adversity and change in life.
The Importance of Self-Care: You might have learned the importance of taking care of yourself, both within and outside of a relationship. This includes recognizing the need for personal space, hobbies, and friendships outside of your romantic relationship.
How can I use this time to focus on myself?
A breakup can be an opportunity for personal development. Think about your goals, hobbies, and interests that you may have neglected. Consider how you can use this time to improve your well-being, such as through self-care, pursuing new interests, or strengthening other relationships in your life.
This, my friends, is something I didn't have time for. I didn't allow myself time, instead, I drank a lot of alcohol because I was homeless that first summer afterward. The kids lived with their Dads for the summer, and I stayed at my Dad & Bonus Mama's house but mostly in a different town drinking a lot.
It was a horrible decision, and then I rushed into getting an apartment that had a landlord who reminded me of my ex with her personality patterns and hung out with someone who reminded me of my ex and ultimately ended up at the ER with high blood pressure from ... STRESS.
I was genuinely lucky that I didn't have a stroke during that time. 😢
Go big or go home! 🤷♀️
Seriously, do not do that. 🚫
I am hoping by sharing these thoughts and tips that I can spare someone else the "drinking away your problems" concept (it does not work), and perhaps heal in a healthier way than I did.
Pursue Personal Interests and Hobbies: Reconnect with activities and hobbies you enjoy or explore new ones. This can be an excellent way to rediscover your passions and interests that might have taken a backseat during the relationship.
Set Personal Goals: Use this time to set and work towards personal goals. These can be career-oriented, fitness-related, educational, or even small daily objectives. Setting goals helps to focus your energy positively and can boost your self-esteem.
Self-Care and Wellness: Prioritize your physical and mental health. This might include regular exercise, a balanced diet, adequate sleep, and practices like meditation or yoga. Taking care of your body and mind can significantly improve your overall well-being.
Reflect and Grow Emotionally: Spend time reflecting on your experiences, feelings, and the lessons learned from the relationship. This can be done through journaling, therapy, or meditation. Emotional growth is a critical part of healing and moving forward.
Strengthen Other Relationships: Reconnect with friends and family. Building and maintaining a support network is essential for emotional support and can provide a sense of belonging and community.
Explore New Experiences: Be open to trying new things, whether it's traveling, attending workshops, joining clubs, or volunteering. New experiences can broaden your horizons and bring unexpected joy and opportunities into your life.
Focus on Professional Development: If you have career ambitions, now can be a good time to focus on them. Take on new projects, seek promotions, or consider further education or training to enhance your professional skills.
Financial Independence: Work on establishing or strengthening your financial independence. This can include budgeting, saving, investing, or finding ways to increase your income.
Mindfulness and Living in the Moment: Practice mindfulness and try to live in the present moment. This can help in reducing stress and anxiety about the past or future, allowing you to appreciate and enjoy life as it is now.
Personal Therapy or Counseling: Consider seeking therapy or counseling. A professional can provide guidance and support, helping you to work through your emotions and start the next chapter of your life on a positive note.
And this is where I am at right now, figuring out new hobbies and ways of life that truly interest me. I am learning more about what makes sense for me in a relationship now that my kids are nearing their adult years, one already is an adult.
This means working through more things that need addressing in this life of mine. I know writing helps me, so hopefully through this writing practice tonight, I have helped someone else out there to learn a new way to rebuild who they are and come back stronger, and more peaceful this time around. ❤️
Remember, during this process, you must look into your mind, body, and soul to ask yourself what happened for YOU, not "to you". This isn't about a blame game or victim card game, it's about figuring out what you did or didn't do in this previous relationship after a breakup so that you can show up better, stronger, and more confident to have a healthier relationship in the future.
BONUS TIP: Consider Finding New Songs that Don't Trigger a Reminder
Honestly, it took me many years and I still get a little teary-eyed when I hear Tim McGraw's song that was just a special one, and ugh, but it does not trigger me like it used to. I now wonder how many other women heard that song, were sung to, and were taken to be danced to around the house. You know, because I've now spoken to enough other people from his past to realize that I wasn't all that special in the actions this particular ex did, but that's OK.
I know that I am special in my way and I will never regret giving away love, and I will embrace each learning lesson in life because that is all I can do. I wish you love and light and much joy during this adventure of healing your inner Self.
Much love,
Brandy Ellen
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