I'm not sure why, but today I feel called upon to share some of the major life lessons I have learned later in life from my single mom dating days. Just for a little back story, I have a 21 year old who has 1 dad and then two sons (17, and 15 at the time of writing this) who have a different dad.
I've actually spent a lot of time as a single mom dealing with the dating scene over the 21-plus years of being a Mama. During that time I have made some doozy dating choices, including this one time where the man ended up getting a restraining order, that story is here a little bit (he was spying on us).
It's been a fun ride (said with sarcasm and laughter), and now that I'm over here in 2024, I thought maybe I should share just some life lessons I've learned during those single mom dating days ... including dumb shit I did.
Side note: I am using the term man or him, because I am a girl that dates guys, this same concept can apply from man to woman or woman to woman, etc. Any human can learn from the lessons I am sharing. Hopefully before it's too late.
Take a Freaking Break
One life lesson I've learned during my single mom dating days is that it is a good idea to take a break from dating for a long while. I always had this goal to take a break, I swore it was just going to be the Trio and Me. Then every single damn time I broke that word, and to this day? I carry guilt from making that choice to break my word about dating.
It's complicated in those times. You're a lonely single mom during the times your kids are gone, so you think that you'll just date during those off weekends when the kids are gone, but you'll meet some men that will shove their way into your life. Or you both connect so deep so fast (hello honeymoon phase) that you think it's totally fine to introduce this person to your kids.
No matter the reason, please do not do this. Keep dating and kids separate. The reason being? Well, for one if the man is pushing his way into your life and you're feeling that gut feeling that this is wrong, you won't listen during this time. You'll just be into this feeling and think they're nice to you, so they'll be fine with your kids.
This is not always the case. Plus telling the kids that it will just be you guys to recoup and live a better life this time? It's imperative that you keep your word or just do not say that at all. I'm sorry, but I made that mistake more than once and it broke my kids heart, at least my firstborn's and it sucks that I did that.
I didn't realize what I was doing until I got a bit older and was able to hear more from my older kids about their perspectives and thoughts on things .... this was a bit hurtful but I'm so grateful they told me. The reason being? It only hurt because I knew how that would have felt if someone did this to me, just awful.
If you say you're going to take a break from dating, but get lonely? Find a freaking hobby, find a group, join a church, or mom support group. Do whatever you need to do to not get back into dating until you feel that you're ready (and your kids are ready). Keep your damn word.
Too Charming Equals Danger
There's a couple of guys in the dating days that were super charming and my experience has been "charming equals danger". That and the fact that one of them had nothing nice to say about any of their exes.
I mean once I said, "umm you know that it's a bad sign if someone can't say anything nice about an ex, right?" to an ex, who then pulled out whatever he could to find at least ONE ex that maybe he could say, "no I didn't say anything bad really about this one, but they were ..." In my eyes, it means they seriously have no idea that they also play a part in a relationship that caused the demise (fall down of the relationship).
Anyways, the point is that in my scenarios if the person ended up being super charming, a term that my therapist later told me was Love Bombing, then probably it's going to be a chaos of a dating experience with this person. You will fall super hard for this person, and then maybe a year or two later? You will start to feel like they don't care about you, that they don't love you like they once did, and things will slowly start to be destructive for your mental health.
Maybe therapy could help, if this is a healthy-ish relationship so I do always advise people try that step first, but be sure to be confident with your boundaries and what you expect and what will work for you in the long term.
Don't Do it for Money
A lot of single moms end up with the wool being pulled over their eyes, or living in this rose colored glasses scenario with a new dating partner. They overlook all of the red flags for them and just enjoy this dating scenario as it helps provide a little monetary relief.
This is a horrible idea. For starters, in my opinion, there are only two people who can care for you and the kids as much as you do - that's you and the other parent (in most cases). This new person may be helping you with money for malicious reasons or they may be doing it out of kind. That part doesn't really matter, what does matter?
That you will get too reliant on this dating partner for financial survival instead of working your way up to be more successful and stable in the money world. Believe me, this will deter your growth and is a horrible idea for it will teach your kids that they should always have a partner and must have one if they're seeking money help.
I don't think I ever dated for money per se, but I surely had a hard time letting go of some dating partners in the past due to the help in renting costs way back in the day. The thing is? Why put yourself through this in the first place? Just focus on getting yourself financially OK before dating anyone.
If your Family & Friends say Run ... DO IT
This is my last hindsight is 20/20 moment to share from my single mom dating days; if your friends or close family members share an experience they've had with someone similar in personality to the person you're dating and they say RUN? Do it!
Trust their wisdom, after all, you don't want to be like me on the other side of the situation realizing that you gave your all; love, trust, and confidence, into someone only to find out they were a malicious person who was a very internally hurt human. This particular human I dealt with had been harming single moms and apparently their kids for years before me. Having similar patterns of behavior in each relationship, including mine.
As far as I know, other than the BS I saw with him trying to mess with the routine of my son who is on the spectrum, he didn't cause other harm that I apparently just found out he was capable of. 🤯 The point is this; if your elders and people who love you dearly see a problem with this person? Then there absolutely is good reason to just trust them, and break it off.
Let the person know that you have to break this relationship off, that dating isn't a good idea for you right now. You need to spend some time with your kids, figuring out your single mom life, and confiding in friends and family for a bit. That you're sorry for thinking that you were ready, but you're just not ready for this and the kids/family must always come first in your world.
They won't understated your excuses to break it off, but that's OK. It isn't your job to help them accept your reasons. After all, they would not wait for you to understand their reason for breaking off the relationship, now would they? Nope!
In fact, they would just confidently break up with you and move along into a new season of their life. That's all I want for single moms out there, to learn to be this confident with your boundaries that a breakup doesn't destroy you for long ... I mean it will hurt, if you have emotions, but it doesn't have to disrupt your entire being.
I hope that me sharing some of my experiences today helps guide you towards making better choices as a single mom dating. Please be safe out there!
Much love,
Brandy Ellen
P.S. Know a single mom? Please share this with them ....