I have been feeling a bit down, thinking about money (the lack of it, the lack of financial independence).
I am also having another flare-up, and I am anxious about the guardianship delays. I thought I'd receive summons on Tuesday, but haven't gotten them yet.
I have realized something. I create my art and complete my project as a form of emotional relief. Making money on your projects is not quite the same. It is two different outlooks. It is very rare for the two to merge in one satisfying project. But you have to be in two different mindsets simultaneously, which is not easy. I finally see why I was struggling, why I always reached a point where I couldn't decide whether to continue working on my projects.
This struggle is real to many artists. And yet, I didn't want to admit it. Working on my creative projects is like playing the lottery. Maybe I win a financial reward, but there's a very good chance that I won't.
I think I have a hard time admitting who I am and the position I am in. Unless I don't know what this position really is. Unless I don't know who I am in this world. Unless I am continuously following a routine of duty and escape covered with a thin veil of compassion. I don't know how to name this role. I cannot call it "woman." I cannot call it "mother." What is it then?
I guess I can call it Satumi - a state of being predetermined by your choices, commitments, soul contracts, and a path of potentialities and actualities.