This past week I curiously felt to take a breath and spend more time outdoors and "focusing on my communion with God". Though the way I commune with God has changed over the years and I really wasn't sure how to do it. I thought it would be throught the word, but I've been disappointed in my choice of Bible. But I have been disappointed in my choice of version and could bear to read it. Then I thought maybe it wasn meant to happen through another spiritual book, but which one. It was exhausting to decide so I gave up.
I experienced a mass of tension throughout the week, wrestling with what was God and what was not. Then I came to the conclusion that I was striving. In deciding to focus on communion it was las if I was saying that I was not currently in union, and my mind split. The duality of humanity and divinity felt abysmal, and I realized I had done it to myself.
By deciding that I was not naturally operating out of communion I caused a split, a chasm within my own heart and mind. It wasn't because of anything I had done, but a result of good intentions. When I realized this I did my best to shift back into union, but once you split become divided, it's interesting how re-integration is something only God can do.
Consciousness of God must be from a place of God in me, a place of abiding, rather than God as an external entity, or else we divide. We become a house divided.
A house divided is an exile of a part of ones self where embrace is the way. It makes me wonder if that means that in asking God, like he is external, I am exiling him from myself. In which I am responsible for what feels like disconnect. What feels like space, that then fills with whispers and voices of men and angels. Voices of doubt and separation.
I divide my consciousness between self and Him. Then, I have commenced inside myself a war between two sides of the same coin. The war is only caused by my resistence to acept that it is no longer me who lives, but Christ in me. It is not me, it is we. I am the embodiment of Christ, even in process.
Embracing is abiding.