some unexpected happenings in january brought me out of taiwan and my comfort place. my impatience to start the next period of my life is showing. the longer i put off something i want to do, the lazier i get about it, the less excited i feel about it. it is hard to feel and prolong excitement. there is so much to be done regarding the new space with yipeng. when we enter february, apart from lunar new year, we can finally start work. the past four almost five months we both used hosting others, jon and miwa. it has been a joy, but also a lot of work, work that can sometimes unmoor a sense of self. it has been a long time since i had this sort of packed intense living together experience. i used to be so used to the farewells. this year began with a farewell, and it feels like there will be a lot of them to come.
1/2 today was my last crit for school. thinking back on the 4 pieces i showed for the semesters, i have come so far and done so much. now i am only left with completing my thesis to graduate. it is always a strange feeling to return to school. i think about the memories i have made there, how i really lived there and tried to find my own place in that year, then the scholarship issue, then the friends i have made, the people i like but because i have become absent our affinities truncated, the good and bad teachers, the beautiful environment, the terrible food and transport options. every time i return to school, however brief, i think about how i am not foolproof, how every decision begets a consequence i will have to shoulder, i think about complacency, arrogance, and how i have so much more to learn. a new year, new lessons to learn. i am ready and happy to open new chapters.
1/3 i vacuumed the floor today. still cannot muster enough to go jump rope (cold weather...), though i started doing pushups in the house. winter is really an indoor time for me. at night we watched the shape of water. good feelings.
1/4 woke up with a weird swollen left eye. did some work at carp. good japanese dinner with japanese miwa. long chat with pallavi, i am lucky to have met her these few years, someone with similar values about art and life. game time with yipeng. the canker sore in my right cheek is almost healed.
1/5 another day with yipeng and miwa. we watched lady bird. teenage feeling. how a good person can still fuck up and care amidst anger. attention is love.
1/6 singapore. sudden. my grandfather had passed hours before i arrived. i dont seem like a family person but i try to do my smallest part. attending my second family funeral. thank you pallavi for hosting me.
1/7 an afternoon walking, some quiet to myself. jon at night, i am lucky to have his company.
1/8 jon came by, i felt the care. some good time with the good cousins. lives are moving and continuing. it is decided i am on duty for the night (to morning). there is not much else i can do than be here with it all.
1/9 ceremonies and rituals. to prepare to send him off. theatrical, for my grandpa to witness, to know where to go, and relief for us to know he will be ok. we burned all our offerings for him, large paper house, paper moneys, gifts. a huge fire. jon came by at night again, watched terrible tv with me at the coffee shop.
1/10 early morning. our last goodbyes with flowers for the coffin. i felt myself about to cry when i saw my grandma and the helper crying. it is rare sight to see our parents and the older generation visibly emotional and shaken. my grandpa was cremated today. it is hard to imagine what life will be like for my parents and aunts and uncles now that there is a person gone. a long last night with pallavi talking about future dreams, what attracts us in a person, what art means to us. to newer days for all us, and new dreams dreamed.
1/11 i am back in taiwan. a good long drive with yipeng from the airport back to taichung. it is nice to see and have dinner with yipeng and miwa again. i miss them, and i think they really miss my presence too.
1/12 miwa begins to setup for her residency sharing-exhibition, exciting to see the cumulation of the work she has done in taiwan over more than a month. i am reminded how well yipeng and i work together. we get things done.
1/13 yipeng and miwa went up to taipei for the elections. i have these few days of quiet to myself, which i havent in a while. recovery.
1/14 went out for a walk today. want to get back into the habit of regular exercise.
1/15 theyre back. three in the house again.
1/16 miwa setup for exhibition. i am reminded of how quick i can come up with appropriate solutions and/or make smart decisions. but, patience. everyone works differently.
1/17 miwa setup day 2 (last day). i am reminded it takes a whole team to put up a whole exhibition. tonight we had time to do film again. little women. i especially love witnessing friendship/kinship on film.
1/18 miwa exhibiton is up but she still wanted to make some changes today. i am reminded everyone has their own different way of being and working. back to gallery sitting days again.
1/19 they cut my hair today. im hoping to find a hairstyle that i can maintain for a while.
1/20 miwa opening today. met old friends and new people, some good, some bad. i am happy for miwa to have this special experience in taiwan. we have made so many precious memories together, it will be sad to part.
1/21 a good fruitful three hours discussion with yipeng about the design and structure of the house in nantou. warm hotpot dinner for the sudden return of winter cold. we watched dont look up together at night. thoughts about how we will react when faced with an impending end of the world.
1/22 nantou again. yipeng and i met with our designer today, sister of a friend. serious discussions and imaginations of our lives for the next few years living and working here together. everything is slowly taking shape. miwa went for a ceramic workshop in the day and a skateboarding lesson at night. we each had a long and fruitful day.
1/23 a day of unexpected (needed) rest. picking jonathan up from the airport and straight down to tainan. i can do with sudden changes in scheduling. but it often feels like yipeng and my lives are put on hold for others.
1/24 it is the first time miwa is in tainan city so we went to the usual sites: tainan fine art museum, guo hua street, error22, etc. a lot of rehearsing for the future when we host artists and reflecting on how yipeng and i will manage our own well-being alongside.
1/25 hotpot deep talk for four. then, a full night (until morning) at the internet cafe just three of us boys. goodbye jon.
1/26 sleep day. we watched pokemon movie together at night. reminisced the anime and cartoons we watched growing up.
1/27 another cold day makes me wanna just stay in. almost at the end of miwa's stay in taiwan.
1/28 my time to move came at night after everyone has left, the three of us in carp, deinstalling, packing up. miwa's residency and exhibition is done. we watched the masterpiece, victoria, filmed in one take, had us on the edge of our seats. good things, like all things, must come to an end.
1/29 three of us we spent the day together enjoying food and some shopping because miwa is leaving taichung tomorrow. little miss sunshine is our film tonight, something easy to watch, heartwarming and hopeful. we watched 19 films in our time together. a long hug with miwa at night before sleep. i am so happy to have used these months together with a complex range of emotions. mostly joy.
1/30 an early morning goodbye and i am alone today.
1/31 miwa has flown. another day to myself. a walk. january ends.
the playlist for the past month: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Wb0Tq5yh0dEJUJ4nxORzv?si=mfsi7GsuSHW0wT9A_gCgbQ
一月發生了一些突發狀況把我帶出舒適圈，帶到國外。我對於想要開始人生下一個階段的耐心快用完了。當我把想做的延後，我變懶惰，失去興奮感。要感受和拉長興奮感真的很不容易。跟奕芃的新空間有很多很多要做。進入二月時，撇除農曆新年，我們終於可以開工了。這四到五個月的時間我們倆用在招待 jon 和 miwa。很快樂，但也真的很忙，忙起來有時候會讓人失去自我。我很久沒有這種擁擠密切深入的共存一起生活了。我曾那麼習慣告別。今年由告別開始，感覺接下來還會有很多。
1/2 今天是學校最後一次評圖。回想著這些學期的四次發表，我度過了也做了許多。現在要畢業只剩下把論文完成。回學校總是個奇怪的感受。回想在那創造的記憶，我有試著在那生活和尋找自我的地位，讓後獎學金的問題，認識的朋友們，喜歡的人但因為我不常出席所以緣分縮短，好的和不好的老師們，優美的環境，差勁的餐食和交通選擇。每次回學校，不管多久，都會想到自己不是堅不可摧的，任何的決定都有代價，考慮到國度的自豪，驕傲，還有那麼多要學習的。新的一年，新的課程。準備好了，我願意打開新的章節。
1/3 今天吸地。還是沒辦法鼓起勇氣去跳繩（冷），但我開始在家裡做伏地挺身。冬天對我來說是待在室內的時間。晚上我們看了「水底情深」。棒棒。
1/4 醒來時左眼腫著。在鯉魚做點事。跟日本的 miwa 一起吃好的日式。跟 pallavi 聊了很久，我很幸運這幾年認識她，一個對於藝術和生活跟我一樣價值觀的人。跟奕芃打遊戲。右邊臉蛋裡的口瘡快好了。
1/5 又跟奕芃 miwa 的一天。一起看「淑女鳥」。少年的感受。好人也可以搞砸，在生氣時關心別人。關注是愛。
1/6 新加坡。突然。阿公在我抵達前幾個小時走了。我不像是關心家人的人但我就盡我的小份。第二次參加家庭的葬禮。感謝 pallavi 招待我。
1/7 下午獨自安靜散步。晚上有 jon 陪伴，我是幸福的。
1/8 jon 來探望，我感受到了他的關懷。跟好的表親有些好的時光。大家的人生都繼續著。決定了我今晚（到早上）要守夜。沒其他可做的事，就只能跟這所有待著。
1/9 儀式。準備把他送走。戲劇性，讓阿公觀看學習要往哪裡去，讓我們安心。我們把禮品燒了，獻給他，很大的紙房子，紙現金。大火。jon 晚上也來了，陪著我在咖啡廳看爛電視。
1/10 早晨。最後的告別，把花放在棺材上。看到阿嬤和阿公的幫手哭著讓我也想哭。看到父母和長輩在外的情緒很難得。火化了。阿公走了後，很難想像父母和他們兄弟姐妹的生活會怎麼改變。最後一晚漫長，跟 pallavi 討論了未來的夢想，什麼種類的人會吸引到我們，藝術對我們來說是什麼。往新的日子，新的夢想去吧。
1/11 回到台灣。跟奕芃從機場到台中一起長途的車程還不錯。開心看到奕芃和 miwa 跟他們一起吃飯。想念他們，我想他們也很想念我。
1/12 miwa 開始補綻，我期待看到她這一個月多在台灣的成果。被提醒我跟奕芃的工作默契。我們就是把事情做好。
1/13 奕芃跟 miwa 上台北參與選舉。這幾天可以獨自安靜一下。復原。
1/14 今天出去散步。想要回到之前運動的習慣。
1/15 他們回來了。家裡又三個。
1/16 miwa 布展。被提醒我可以很快想出恰當的解決方式和/或聰明的決定。但，耐心。每個人工作的方式都比一樣。
1/17 miwa 布展第二天（最後一天）。被提醒把一檔展覽弄好是需要一組人的。晚上又有時間看電影了。「她們」。我特別喜歡在電影裡見證友情/親情。
1/18 miwa 的展覽佈置好了但她還是想做些小改變。被提醒大家都有自己的生活模式和做事方式。又回到了顧展的日子了
1/19 他們幫我剪了頭髮。我想能找到一個我自己可以想維持一陣子的髮型。
1/20 miwa 開幕。碰到了老朋友和新人，好的，不好的。替 miwa 開心能在台灣有這段很特別的體驗。我們一起創造了那麼多珍貴的回憶，離開時一定會傷心。
1/21 跟奕芃去了南投有效的討論房子的設計和格局。突然回來的寒冷讓我們去吃溫暖的火鍋晚餐。晚上一起看「千萬別抬頭」。一起考慮世界末日時我們會怎麼反應。
1/22 又去了南投。跟奕芃一起見設計師，朋友的姊姊。認真討論和想像接下來這幾年的生活作息。一起都慢慢成形。miwa 白天去陶藝工作坊晚上去滑板課。我們各自有了又長又豐富的一天。
1/23 一個意想不到（蠻需要）的休息日。去機場接 jon 然後下台南。我可以面對行程裡的突發狀況改變。但經常覺得我跟奕芃的日子為了別人停頓。
1/24 miwa 第一次來台南市所以我們就去那些老地方：台南美術館，國華街，鼴鼠，等。跟奕芃彩排著在未來會招待藝術家的時刻，檢討要怎麼自己維持健康。
1/25 四人火鍋深聊。整個晚上（到早晨）就我們三個男生去打咖。再見 jon。
1/26 睡覺天。晚上一起看寶可夢電影。一起回顧小時候看的動畫和卡通。
1/27 有一個寒冷的日子讓我只想待在家裡。miwa 在台灣的旅程快結束了。
1/28 大家都走了之後我才出場，我們三個在鯉魚拆展，收拾。miwa 的駐村和展覽發表完成了。一起看了神作「維多莉亞」，一鏡到底，讓我們都很緊張。好事，跟所以事一樣，都必須結束。
1/29 我們三個今天一起吃好的，出去逛逛因為明天 miwa 就離開台中了。今晚的電影是「小太陽的願望」，容易看，溫馨，有望。這段時間我們一起看了19部電影。晚上睡覺前跟 miwa 長抱。我很開心我們一起用多元的情感使用了這幾個月。多半是快樂的。
1/30 早晨告別，我今天獨自。
1/31 miwa 飛了。我又有一天。散步。一月結束。
這個月的歌單：https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Wb0Tq5yh0dEJUJ4nxORzv?si=mfsi7GsuSHW0wT9A_gCgbQ