Have you ever struggled with control?
You want to bend your experiences so they turn into the outcome you’re hoping for —
but no matter how hard you try, they just won’t bend.
You get frustrated.
Angry.
Maybe even a little hopeless.
And sometimes… you lash out at the people around you.
Well, my recent painting was a lot like that.
I started it with no plan, no direction — and I fought it the entire way.
I felt completely blocked, lacking any creative inspiration.
Even as I moved colors around the canvas, I couldn’t tell what this painting wanted to become.
It was infuriating.
I’m so used to inspiration coming quickly — especially once I start layering colors together — that I expected this piece to be the same.
But it wasn’t.
This one made me work for it.
I began this painting around Parashat Shemot, the story of Hashem appearing to Moses in the burning bush.
Earlier in the Torah, when Hashem calls Avraham, he answers:
“Hineni” — “Here I am.”
No questions first.
No understanding yet.
Just presence. Trust. Surrender.
Here I am.
And in Parashat Shemot, Moses also answers:
Hineni.
A calm presence in the face of something unbelievable.
But when Hashem tells Moses to free His people from Egypt, Moses immediately tries to control the situation.
“I’m not good with words.”
He doubts himself.
He questions his ability to rise to the task.
I don’t know about you, but I do that all the time.
I especially did it with this painting.
“I can’t do this.”
“I’m no good.”
“This is terrible.”
The negative self-talk just kept going.
Eventually, though, something clicked:
Hineni.
Here I am.
I’m here — and that’s enough.
I stopped forcing it.
I stopped expecting the lightbulb to suddenly turn on.
I stopped expecting the brush to behave exactly how I wanted.
I stopped expecting the painting to match the image in my mind.
And that’s when it came alive.
But only after I surrendered.
I realized how much I relate to Moses.
I want control.
I want clarity first.
I want to KNOW the plan before I take the step.
I want reassurance before surrender.
But life doesn’t always work that way.
Sometimes faith is simply showing up and saying:
Hineni.
Here I am, Hashem.
I don’t understand everything.
I don’t know where my life is going.
But I trust You.
And maybe this painting can be a reminder for you too —
that sometimes the most beautiful things come from sitting with the unknown and rising above the clouds.
