“All relationships, all relationships, begin in projection.”
~ James Hollis, ‘The Eden Project’
Whether we’re talking about erotic or romantic love, friendships, a work-based collegial relationship, or a new boss or employee, a teacher, healer or therapist, or indeed with an animal, particularly one we “rescue”; the relationship always begins with projection.
It’s important to always remember that we don’t “make” our projections, but rather that they “happen to us”, as they originate in the unconscious.
And it’s very often the case that we’re seeing in the other an aspect, energy, or capacity of ourselves which we’re presently blind to, in denial of, or have yet to experience consciously, and that these aspects can be either negative or positive attributes or energies.
So we see in the beloved a balancing but yet as unknown and undeveloped part of ourselves, or in the boss a leadership and authority part of us which we still can’t fully own and live, or in the poor bedraggled rescue animal, the lame, impoverished, neglected parts of our own soul; our very wounds mirrored in the animal we want to take home, love, nourish and heal, or perhaps secretly deep-down, we desperately wish that someone would come along and want to rescue US.
The good news is that, the moment we recognise “I’m in projection”, means we’ve already begun the process of taking back the projection and can now start to own, nurture and develop this inner-part of ourselves. This both makes us a little more whole AND removes the burden and expectations from the other party who is now free to be themselves more fully.
However, if we don’t begin the process of removing our projection then we’re likely in for a bumpy ride; both of us. This happens of course every time in a new, romantic relationship, but the relationship only endures beyond the projection phase if we discover that we each do really like the other for who THEY are, not our rose-tinted idea of them or simply through our need to be with someone or be taken care of by another.
But it’s also one of the most frequent sources of tension or even out-right conflict in therapeutic relationships of all kinds. We chose a healer, therapist, coach, author or teacher because they hold vital gifts, qualities, talents and energies that we long to also live but haven’t yet uncovered them in ourselves. This is because we had to send them underground often in childhood out of necessity to fit in and be accepted by our family, peers and culture. And so the very fact we’ve chosen that person means that whatever we see in them is also in us.
A productive relationship of this therapeutic kind can ignite these qualities and the relationship comes to a natural end and then we go on to nurture these new found parts of ourselves. But if we don’t recognise that we’re asking too much of another, or we want them to simply fix us or tell us what to do, then neither of us gains anything fruitful.
Remember: If you see it, you own it.
©Angela Dunning
Image ©Julia Siomuha, licensed via Shutterstock.