Learning to discern true safety versus what is familiar to us and “safe” in an unhealthy way, is crucial for healing.
We all gravitate towards the familiar and we do so mostly unconsciously, driven by our historical experiences of relationships, especially our early childhood relationships with parents and siblings.
It takes a huge degree of discernment, courage and consciousness to sift out that which is truly safe for us now, compared to what we’ve been accustomed to as a result of our past. And we often have to go through a number of failed relationships to get to the point where we finally discover what genuine safety feels like, not learned “safety” through familiarity.
And crucially, before we give ourselves permission to only be in safe, authentic and secure relationships from now on.
Some key indicators to help here might include some the following:
- How our body and nervous system responds:- do we tense up in familiar areas of the body? Does our heart race out of fear, rather than genuine pleasure in the presence of another? Do we start shaking even at the thought of speaking to someone on the telephone or video chat? Do old somatic pains start up in the presence of someone? Does our mind race around them or after being with them? Are we MORE dysregulated around them, rather than relaxed and calm via healthy co-regulated?
- Do we start to police our thoughts, words, actions, dress-code, preferences, desires or choices? In other words, are we retreating back into our adapted false-self with this person because we don’t feel safe enough with them to really be our true selves?
- Do we find ourselves having to try, act, perform, pretend and shape-shift into expected roles they’re asking us to play through their projections? This one often feels both comfortable as again it’s usually a familiar role we find ourselves in once again, but also deeply uncomfortable as we can sense the inherent incongruence in us. Our dreams often highlight this kind of internal disparity, such as depicting us on a stage, or screen, or being rejected by someone who senses our incongruence.
- Do we notice that things that happened in previous relationships are happening again in this one? Is history repeating itself? Including in the choice of partner, friend or even business partner/colleague?
Genuine, secure attachments naturally create a deep sense of safety in all involved. Where there are no expectations, no need to try or work hard or perform, where you can each just be yourselves and feel free to express anything you wish to.
The body feels calm and relaxed, you’re not on edge, or tense, or feeling the need to protect yourself on any level. You genuinely like being with the person and you leave feeling good and happy.
Anything less than this could indicate a lack of physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual safety.
Again, think about the rescued pet or horse, who overtime as they learn to trust again through your loving attention, care and kindness, comes TOWARDS you and wants to hang out with you of their own free-will, precisely because they feel utterly safe with YOU. That is what you’re looking for in your human relationships too. Anything less and something isn’t right.
Familiar is definitely NOT the same as genuine safety. In fact, it’s usually the very opposite, as most of our wounds come from our most familiar (family) relationships. So familiarity is in itself a good red-flag for sensing whether you feel truly safe or not.
Does this resonate for you? And if so, what are some of the other ways you can now tell whether a relationship is genuinely safe or not? Feel free to drop a comment below if you’d like to share.
©Angela Dunning
Image ©Viktoriia Shylling, licensed via Shutterstock