"Would you please share the problem as you see it?"
Our then 10yo looked at me and signaled for me to come over.
I was moderating a Connection Path (conflict resolution and skill building tool) between the 10yo and the 12yo and 8yo (triple conflict fun!) and the two together had just finished clarifying what they saw as the problem. Now it was time for the 10yo to share her perspective.
I walked over and in a low voice asked what's up.
"What if now I realize I don't have a problem at all?"
"What do you mean? You all were really fighting it sure sounded like there was a problem."
"Well there was, then. But after hearing them say what they think the problem is I realized that what I thought was happening wasn't actually what was happening."
"Ah. I see. Well, we continue working through it all with the Connection Path anyway. It will just be a lot faster because there really isn't anything to work through and we can kind of skip ahead."
"Can we just stop it and say never mind? It was a mistake?"
"Is there anything that needs a solution and resolution based on how you all treated each other when you were fighting?"
She squirmed and looked away.
"When your sisters shared what they see as the problem, it included how you spoke to them and how they spoke to you. That's still a problem even if the initial problem was just a misunderstanding. Why do you want to just stop?"
She sighed, her gaze going to the floor.
"I'm embarrassed. I made a big deal about something that wasn't even happening."
"I see. What would you want if it was the other way around?"
"I don't know."
"You sure about that? You wouldn't want them to make repair?"
She shrugged.
The other 2 were getting restless.
"We have started the Connection Path, let's go ahead and finish it. If you need a break we can take one."
"I don't need a break, I just don't want to do it."
"I get it, accountability sucks. But without it relationships are damaged. Do you want to leave things with your sisters thinking you mean the things you said to them? You hurt them, do you want to leave it that way?"
She asked for a break and we agreed to come back together in 15 minutes.
*Unrelated pic of two of the kids in this story playing with their 3yo little sister.*
As we got started later, I again asked her what she saw was the problem.
She took a deep breath.
"I don't think there was a problem until I made a problem. I agree with you two that the way I treated you and spoke to you was a problem and I'm really sorry. The real problem is that I jumped to conclusions and I was wrong but I didn't ask questions, I just got angry and accused."
She went on to explain what she had thought was going and took responsibility for saying unkind and hurtful things. They asked some questions too. Together they agreed that how they all reacted was really the problem in this situation.
We got back on track with the rest of the Connection Path. Breezing through it now that they all agreed on what the real problem was. Together they agreed on a solution, a resolution, and on meaningful repair.
We still refer to this experience nearly 4 years later and sometimes that reminder helps us work through a conflict. The agreements they made then for their resolution are still in place and they do a pretty good job sticking to them.
The most impactful agreement that came out of that day?
Ask questions before reacting to be sure you understand what's really going on and avoid assuming.
The second most impactful agreement that come out of that day?
Committing to work through conflict even when the accountability of doing so gets uncomfortable.