I have been battling depression for the last few years, and now I feel I have gained control over my reactions to situations, making the battle a bit easier to fight.
The battle is difficult and tiring, and I am forever grateful for my family, friends, therapist, psychiatrist, and my colleagues for the amazing support they have showered upon me. Even if I couldn’t explain what I was really feeling, they understood that “Depression” is something very painful, and with just that understanding, they gave me a lot of support by doing whatever they could to help me. I am forever grateful for that and I love you all. ❤️
Along with the support I have received, I have had my share of encounters with people who didn’t understand the pain and frustration, and have said some hurtful words. It took some time to say “Fuck Off” to such people, obviously in my mind, hahahah, but these days harsh words from such people don’t affect me like they did back then, and all I feel is pity that there are people with such low empathy and sympathy.
For years, whenever people ask me “What depression feels like?” I have never been able to find the right words. I have tried, but I just never could as it was all too much at the same time, making me choke due to my inability to find words to explain what I was really going through.
I have wanted to put my feelings into words since forever, to articulate what it is like to be in depression. I have come across songs and a few movie dialogues, but I have always wanted to pen down those feelings myself, and now I feel I can.
What I feel is, Depression is never the same for any two people; the symptoms and actions are all just too different. I know there wouldn’t be anyone who will be able to fully relate to my words, but relatability is not what I am seeking here, like how poets write poems and convey their feelings, I wish to do something similar.
For me, Depression is like being stuck in a deep, dark well. It’s cold and lonely, and initially, I didn’t know how to get out. The water is chilly, and my legs felt tied by a rope, so keeping myself from drowning by staying afloat was tiring. I had two options, I could give up, or I could keep trying to stay afloat, which is super duper difficult, but I kept trying to stay afloat.
One day finally, I mustered up the courage and tried to ask for help from people around me. In this process, I got to know a lot about people around me, but I focused on my few people who were encouraging me with supportive words and gestures. Though my family and friends were there cheering for me and giving me courage to get out of the well, it was when I couldn’t do much myself, I finally reached out to some professional help.
My journey of seeking professional help wasn’t a cakewalk. I didn’t get lucky with my first therapist or my second one, but I didn’t want to give up, so I went in for my third therapist who proved to be the bestest best.
People won’t pull you out; it’s you who has to pull yourself out, and seeking professional help was my yet another way of trying to pull myself out of the well.
While trying to free myself from the ropes in the deep dark cold well, there were some days which were better because of the words from my loved ones and my therapist, but there were days I just couldn’t help but feel tired, and it was then I decided to reach out to a psychiatrist for more help.
I have always been asked, why medicines? They aren’t good for health, try yoga, meditation, pursue hobbies, etc., etc. As much as I welcomed the suggestions with a smile, I had reached a point where I had tried everything google said, and it was when all the google links turned purple I chose to try medication.
Now, anti-depressants are like a knife and a knife can be used for a quick way out of your misery or to cut the ropes, hence making it easier to stay afloat in the well. The choice is a very difficult one, and it takes a lot of willpower to make the choice every single day, and that is why I always tell people to never force medication on anyone dealing with any kind of mental health issues. Suggest them maybe, but Never force them. As the choice needs to be made by the person who really wants to get better.
With the help medication, the rope got looser bit by bit, and I was able to stay afloat better, but I was still in the well. So, then I started looking for niches and footholds in the wall to climb up. I climbed, grabbing using everything I had — walking, reading, dancing, doing things I love, solo travelling , eating yummy food , reading self-help books, meditation, words of encouragement from my loved ones , counting my little blessings. There are a lot of footholds, and I kept trying.
But then, one day I missed a foothold, and I fell back into the well. After all the trying to climb up, I was back in the dark well, and it was awful because when I thought I was finally out of the cold water, I was back again in the darkness and coldness. It took a lot of courage to get back up and try to climb out; it took a lot of time because of the pain due to the fall; it hurts, and it’s all cold again.
But you know what? The climb got easier because I already knew which footholds to take and which ones to avoid.
My therapist always said, a relapse means you are getting better which I never understood her. Why would getting back into depression be better? Such a stupid thing to say, but it took time for me to understand her words. Having a relapse always hit hard because I fell from a great height and that meant I climbed up higher and I knew how to climb.
Higher I climbed , Harder it hurt when I fell.
It took months but her words made sense. Relapse is a positive sign of getting better. It only hits hard when you are high enough isn’t it? So after that clarity whenever I had a relapse I would just dust myself and get back to climbing.
I am still on medication , but of a lower dosage than I started which I am super proud of. It will take a bit of time but now I have a better understanding of how to get back up so all I have to do it just keep going.
As Dory in Finding Nemo says , Just keep swimming. 🏊
Not sure if it makes sense to my readers but if it gave a little bit of an idea of what depression is like I would like you guys to be a little more kinder to the people around you.
Not everyone has the energy and courage to ask for help but what made me ask for help was the little kindness people showed me when I was going through a hard time.
This was my small attempt to make the world a little kinder. Hope it brings a change in at least one and thus helping the people around them.
Also , shout out to my therapist , Mrs.Akshata Alva. I vouch for her amazingness! Be it an Online or Offline session , she will make you feel heard from the very first session❤️. https://aakarcounselling.com/.