I have loved smoking for a long time. I was 12 years old and stealing drags off my moms’ cigarettes when she wasn’t looking. I didn’t actually start until I was 17, but occasionally I would steal a smoke…or a pack. I started because I got a job as a prep cook at the local restaurant. I learned very quickly that smokers were allowed more breaks…even encouraged to go on one, while non-smokers were criticized for standing and doing nothing. It did become a peaceful ritual. And when I started drinking at 19, oh man! Nothing better than a night of drinking and stepping outside for a smoke.
I am curious, how many smokers are actually trying to quit? For me, everytime I said it, it was purely to appease the non-smoker that said the inevitable “You should quit.” I would never fail to reply “Yeah, I’m cutting back.”...it was a lie. Everytime. I would choose smoking over food.
Now, I’m trying to quit. Something with smoking changed in the last month, it’s been brewing for a while, but these last few weeks something changed in me.
***SMALL TANGENT, SORRY***
We don’t smoke in the house. I sit outside in my car, more appropriately an expensive ass lawn ornament since I can’t afford insurance and it’s off the road. I have 2 cats. They are why I insist on smoking outside. I have always told people, “My cats, unfortunately, cannot speak. I’d love it if they could but they can’t. Which means they cannot give consent to breathing in smoke. I choose to inhale poison…I won’t force them.” I always get weird looks when I say this. Which…fuck anyone who doesn’t treat their pets as equals. If you can’t stop and think I wouldn’t do this to a person and then proceed to do it to an animal, you’re shitty.
***END OF TANGENT***
I think what it was, was that I realized how much time has been wasted smoking. I finally have things I want to do and spend my time on and I have begun to notice how much time is spent on cigarettes and giggle grass. It’s starting to piss me off. I think that might be a good thing. I’m spending more time inside, my breathing has gotten better and I only had half a pack (12) smokes in the last week and a half. Part of me misses it but I know how much time I regain from not smoking.
So I’m trying to fill the time.
Wednesday I got my new glasses. I only plan on wearing them when I HAVE TO SEE. I prefer to wear contacts, I have been wearing Night and Day ones for over 10 years. But contacts are no longer budget friendly so I got a pair of glasses; my old ones were bought when I was 22 and they give me headaches. The last couple of weeks while I waited for the glasses to arrive I just walked around with my natural near-sightedness. I’m lucky that my vision is not too bad. I could still bake, knit and even walk with some confidence. It’s just blurry…and please bring it closer to my face if you want me to see detail and not shapes. But honestly, walking around seeing in basic cable instead of 4K all the time is pretty nice. It makes it harder to get overstimulated. So at least for now, the glasses are a when I need to item. 
It occurred to me while writing this paragraph that I should acknowledge the privilege I have to even get to decide if and when I will see, there are people who get NO CHOICE. Just know, the other half of the motivation for this decision is the less I wear the glasses the less likely it is for something to happen and now I need to replace them. Because that’s not an option.
Thursday I managed to secure the kitchen and house to myself again. I made 4 loaves of cinnamon raisin bread, 2 pans of brownies, and another sheet pan pizza. I even caramelized onions and oven roasted garlic for extra toppings this time. I think I’m going to have to learn how to hand knead bread. The cinnamon raisin bread dough made my stand mixer mad. I was already planning to hand knead the raisins in and then machine started to smell smokey. Now I never saw any smoke but the smell told me she was being overworked and to stop. But at least now I have toast to live off of for the next week.
Friday was a small spa day. I almost finished touching up my hair dye, the roots are orange again and the length is pink. But I still need to dye the ends purple. I would love to find out why dyeing my hair has become such an overwhelming task. I used to be able to spend an afternoon painting away at my hair. Now even putting 2 colours in sends me into a tailspin. At least I’m one step closer to being done.
I almost forgot the most important part about Friday! My cat Marvel turned 7. He got a day of extra snacks, scritches and cuddles. I was curious and looked it up, he is now considered a mature cat, I was curious when they became seniors. It feels like just yesterday we went to the shelter to check out kittens. We actually went for his brother but when we opened the cage, there were 3 total in the cage, the one we came to see and one that was already adopted zoomed off and had no interest in people. But Marv, would not leave my arms. I adopted him on the spot, I had to wait a day to pick him up, but he has been my little momma’s boy since. I love him. 
Saturday was just not my day though. Remember at the start when I said I love smoking and I’m trying to quit? Well Saturday was not a good day. I was easily angered all day. It got too noisy in the evening so I chose to sit outside for six hours and play games on my phone. And then be cranky about it.
I could have gone inside. Joined the noise war that everyone else was in. I mean, if you’re going to be playing your TV at a loud volume why am I concerned with being accommodating? Because I don’t get to say “But I don’t do that to you” if I do. Treat everyone how you expect to be treated. Second option, wear headphones. You block out everyone else’s noise and yours doesn’t contribute to the problem. EXCEPT I have panic attacks when I can’t hear my surroundings. It wasn’t always that way, in high school I regularly had headphones in and at full volume. But now, I need to hear my surroundings and if someone is coming near. The last time I was actually able to wear headphones and focus was when I worked midnights in a closed store. It was just me, no one could walk in or sneak up on me. I wish I knew what caused that change. So I chose to sit outside and stare at my phone.
Sunday hasn’t fared much better so far. I, like everyone else, have been struggling to find a job I can do for the last 2 years. My knee, which my next doctor's appointment is scheduled for September, makes it so I can’t do anything physical for long. I have maybe 2 hours, 4 if I wear my knee brace, and it doesn’t change the fact that I will still be in pain. It just makes it a little more manageable. I spent Thursday afternoon baking and Saturday night I was STILL waking up from knee pain! I don’t have many qualifications. All my work experience is as a cashier or cook. And I'm not good at those or with people. It gets so depressing to apply for jobs and to either receive back that you’re not qualified enough, you live too far away (despite the fact that I clearly state willing to move), or they’re just flat out data mining scams.
In April I looked up metal work training courses. I was trying to find something within Ontario that wasn’t too expensive and could at least put me on a path to making better metal jewellery. And after 35 years I know that a structured learning environment where I’m not in charge of deadlines is what works best. The last 10 years of trying to teach myself hobbies always stagnates. I ended up finding a college course that is specifically for jewellery design and how to create and run a business. It got me to start thinking about going back to school. That went terribly the first time, but that’s a story for its own time. I’m scared though. Everything I’ve done for the last 15+ years hasn’t worked. But I’ve also been the one in charge of those choices. What if this is another? I’m applying in October, which means it will be for the Fall 2027 semester if I get accepted. Until then I have some work to do. I already have a copy of my high school transcripts. But I need to contact the college I went to from 19-21 and ask for a copy of those transcripts. I wonder if I can send an email…I feel like that’s an in person or at the very least phone call task though. The adult education people in town should be able to help me with everything. But do I go talk to them now? Or wait until closer to October. Maybe just until September when it’s school season again. And then, I’ll still need to figure out how to pay for it.
It’s all so fucking stressfull. Falling back into the depression spiral is so much easier, but I KNOW that doesn’t make things better. Changing my choices will.
At the very least I need to look into moving out of this area.
I still haven’t gotten back to painting.