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Finding Safety in Safe Words

Finding Safety in Safe Words

Dec 28, 2022

Terms like sapiosexual, demisexual, pansexual, get thrown around a lot, and I’ve always wondered where I fit on the spectrum. A review of my past partners, and passed attractions, reveals something interesting to me. I don’t really have one type.

Whilst I have certain preferences and prefer to connect over intelligence/humour/personality/drive. One trait above all seems to rule out everything else.

I’m attracted to clarity.

I am attracted to those who are attracted to me. Who make it clear. Who want me. Unequivocally.

I think it’s a function of my anxiety, playing off against the need to ensure consent, combining with the permanent nature of online discourse.

Let’s break this down

Obviously, consent is king. It is vital to ensure informed enthusiastic consent. But insuring that isn’t easy.

Flirting is a game of Schrödinger’s cat. Am I flirting with you? Only if you were flirting with me. There is a level of ambiguity to all connection. This plays off against my anxiety. I struggle with anticipatory anxiety. Struggle with communication. Struggle with clarity (change). All as a throwback to the past, when was facing various issues in my childhood.

At the best of times, I struggle. So if someone was to approach me, unambiguously, with an ask/request/explicit explanation of their attraction to me/desire, instantly, all of the weight of my anxiety drops away. I’m both aroused, and curious. On more than one occasion I have played with someone, just because they explicitly asked to do so.

This obviously has led to some problems because the reality is I wasn’t attracted/there’s some compatibility issues, but I was just so relieved and confused, that I acquiesced.

All of this is compounded when you’re playing online. Because obviously, everything is permanent. Can be screenshotted. And then taken out of context. Even at the best of times, straight text-based communication, is fraught with potential for miscommunication. Which is why is a side note, I’m leaving more towards voice over texting.

I like to look at myself introspectively. Considering what I’m attracted to/what moves me and why. I find that when I’m playing, I tend to lead towards dominant nation over submission. But my main go to, at least initially, is to get them to speak the words. To explicitly state exactly what they want. To demand it. It. To express it. Thus, even when it is clear that we are about to play/playing, the ambiguity has been removed.

Driving further in, I realise that I am attracted to certain looks/personality types/kinds of people/intelligence. But, if there’s ambiguity, I typically won’t approach. Even if they are “perfect” for me. Because if they are leaving ambiguity, then unfortunately they’re missing a key point.

I think this is why I like the sub-dom relationship. There is safety, in a safe word. If we have established, unequivocally, that you will use your safe word. And I trust that you will. And you trust that I will stop. Well, we can go anywhere we like now can’t we?

It seems potentially unsexy, but if we spend the time, to discuss limits, desires, and how to express ourselves, from there we can play, knowing. Knowing that we are safe, and consensual.

The relief from anxiety is real. To fully experience pleasure, relaxation is a must. A feeling of calm connection is a must. A feeling of trust is a must.

First times might be fun, but the fifth time is better, the 50th even more so. And yes, you may grow bored, but if you do, It’s not the end of the world. Because if established trust, communication, and understanding of each other’s limits, you can have the discussion about how to enhance your play.

Despite knowing all this, I know that I will “miss the signs” Of almost everyone that is into me. That’s something that I’ve had to accept, and I’ve learnt to laugh about it. Particularly so, when they realise I’m like this, and then explicitly make a move on me.

I don’t know if there is a term like sapiosexual for what I am, so I guess I’ll just have to go with anxiously aroused!

On safe words, consent, and limits.

Even if you aren’t anxious like me, it pays to of the conversation. Sure, you can go in blind, But you’re doing yourself and your partner disservice. You’re also doing the potential pleasure a disservice service.

By failing to talk about limits, you are limiting far you can go. You were forcing yourself to progress tentatively and slowly, in places you may be easily able to run through. You are forcing yourself to go slow, where you may both be wanting to skip. You’re potentially Holding yourself back for no reason. Other than that, because you haven’t had the conversations you should have.

Work out your limits and respect them. Establish safe words and obey by them.

And if you find yourself attracted to someone like me, explicitly and unequivocally state it, you never know, they will probably respond positively.

If you liked this post, you would love my video course, ‘An Introduction To Kink, BDSM, Polyamory, and Other Fun Things

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