Whisper Mavin
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Self blame

Dec 14, 2022

For as long as I can remember I've blamed myself for everything. Anything that slightly goes wrong I immediately go into self hate mode. "Why did you do that? You're such a fuck up" is the running theme. Just recently I realized that voice in my head isn't mine. It's my mother's.

Since I was a child my mother blamed me for everything. I was blamed for food missing, dirty dishes. Anything that wasn't right to her was my fault. You may think I'm stretching the truth but I'm not! I would wash dishes and she'd come up behind me inspect a cup or plate then sneer "you see this smudge? You half assed it like you always do" then she'd splash water at me and tell me to wash it again. I'd get so angry and scared because it was never to her liking and eventually she'd tell me to get out of her sight she was disgusted by me. I'd hang my head in shame and go to my room to cry. I just could never make her happy. Every mother's day was a huge ordeal of her not liking any of my gifts and she'd cry and lock herself in her room. The last mothers day we shared in 2015 I had gotten her a book she was asking for, flowers and candy. The following Day she threw all the gifts at me sobbing that I was selfish because I wouldn't give her money. She wanted money for drugs and I refused to give it to her. By then I was numb to her abuse. A lifetime of it just made me numb and deaf to her insults.

Fast forward to now at the age of 31. An old childhood friend got married recently and I was supposed to be her maid of honor. I explained I'm broke and homeless and it fell on deaf ears. Her grooms best man and the bridesmaids shunned me from the wedding planning and wouldn't let me explain myself. I have never been so sick and tired of people until I became homeless. Nothing I say or do seems to please anyone. I give up easily because I'm so used to people reacting negatively to me. Am I a bad person? I blame myself everyday for anything wrong in my life. I know it's depression poisoning my brain but I can't seem to stop. I've been reading self help books and blogs and trying to incorporate the teachings to my life. It's hard to unlearn a lifetime of negatively. Here are some things I've been doing

  • Daily walks help me relax and destress. I try aiming for 30 minutes at minimum

  • Journaling! This blog has been helping me

  • Redirecting negative thoughts. Ex: "I'm a screw up" to "I'm trying my best"

  • Music definitely helps me relax. Making Playlist of soft music really does wonders!

  • Petting my cat. Having my cat really helps me to feel happier. Hearing her meows and purrs fills me with joy 😊

  • And of course..reading! I love books so much

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