Whisper Mavin
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Anxiety

Dec 12, 2022

My relationship with anxiety is going great. I've been with anxiety since I was 6 years old. We are always together. I can't say it's a healthy relationship. I have tried to leave this relationship many times. First time was when I was 21. I had reached my breaking point. One snowy day in early January I was getting dressed for work when without warning I broke down in hysterical sobs. I felt like I was dying. I went to my mother.. the reason for most of my torment, and cried at her feet. She was alarmed enough to break a Xanax in half for me. She was not one to be affectionate and even in my weakest moment she didn't offer any motherly love. Only a half pill with a promise I'd feel better if I took it. With desperation i took it and within 5 minutes I was asleep (I have no idea how strong of a dose I got, must of been strong though)!

The next day I had an appointment with a psychologist for the following month. I knew a lifetime of stress was destroying me. I didn't even understand why I was feeling like I was at the time. I wish I had understood trauma then like I do now. I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. My family was so dysfunctional no one ever spoke about feelings much less trauma. I had no close friends. I was told I was stand offish, a bitch by strangers. I was never mean to anyone, my quietness has bothered people my whole life. My silence must mean I'm angry? I don't know but people have filled my silence with assumptions for as long as I can remember. So point was I had no one to talk to. Books as always were my friends and I buried myself in them.

I was put on lexapro. I thought this is it. I'm finally going to be better! I was ready. After a few weeks I was numb. I had no reactions to most things. My social anxiety was mostly gone sure but I literally felt nothing. I thought that meant I was healing. The worst side effects was sexual dysfunction, constant peeing and head tremors. I pushed on with it hoping that pill was magic. After a year and many numb days the head tremors were getting worse. I was coming out of my haze and knew I needed to get off the medication. Luckily I had no withdrawal (I cut cold turkey) and after awhile the anxiety and depression came back. Hello old friends we meet again! And what friends they've been.

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