Hi gang.
I don't post on here nearly enough as far as consistency goes, but I still get support from you monthly, which I have to say, does make me feel so much better.
This past month was, to quote Charles Dickens, the best of times, and the worst of times.
This month, the long awaited Lady Puffmuffin and the Failed Marriage puppet show and queer cabaret went up on the Eloise Stage at The Vortex in Austin, TX. The crowd was incredible. They were so happy to be there, and they loved the show. My name was on all the culture calendars. We celebrated queer joy and we poked fun at the absurd notion that a perfect family could ever exist. Tickets were sold to fill out the first 3 rows of seats in the theatre. These are all wins for my first production in Austin.
But also this month, my grandfather was put into home hospice, and then died 3 weeks later right in the middle of tech week. I didn't have the bandwidth to handle the feelings. I had so many people trying to reach out, but between techs and my two jobs, I had nothing to offer, and I was overwhelmed and quickly shutting down. On top of which, two American citizens were executed in the street by ICE. The generational trauma response is so strong. But I also didn't have time to process any of that, either. I got to have a break during the freeze. I was forced to stay inside and do nothing, and boy did I need it.
My art is really important to me. And so is my family. And so is my country. As a child of immigrants, a descendant of political refugees, this is a time that has my bones and my blood screaming for escape, screaming for action, but my body and my brain are so tired right now, I feel like I'm frozen and I am not doing enough. I want to flee, I want to run, but I also want to stay and fight. I want to do more. I feel as if talking about it isn't enough anymore. I want to do something but I am so overwhelmed in every direction: what could I possibly do?
I know that sounds crazy, considering I just put on a queer cabaret, a respite for my community, a break for joy and creativity in the madness of trying to survive, but I want so badly to do more. I want so badly to quit my tutoring job and go work against fascism more actively. I'm already considering so many options that I know in my logical brain are not something I can just get up and do right now. I know my limitations, and I know I have to be patient, but between the trauma responses and the grief, the urge to set fire to what's been built and start again is persistent. I want to make reckless decisions. But I am trying very hard every day not to do that.
Instead, I make art. Instead I sell books and moderate book clubs. Instead I teach my kids how to read, how to write, how to fight for what's right. And for now, that has to be enough. Even in the midst of a great triumph professionally and creatively, I am still feeling like it's not enough. the triumph is bittersweet when you're up against tyranny.
You see the politically charged movements of companies like San Francisco Mime Troupe and the creative movements like Sturm und Drang and you think "wow! that is telling truth to power!" but when you are out here doing the work in the present, sometimes you still feel like a drop in the ocean, like a small ship on the torrential waves of a storm. Even when you are doing the work, sometimes you get overwhelmed, and it feels insignificant. But I think that's just part of the deal. So in spite of feeling insignificant and powerless, I will keep going.
Puffmuffin has one more performance on Saturday, January 31st at 10 pm on the Eloise Stage at The Vortex. Tickets are available on the Vortex website. I hope to see you there.
