The Sadness of a Mad Man
It’s late. It’s dark, and there is this spark of light—not light enough to blind me—but still, you could be a friend. There are many things that overwhelm, hurt, and disturb me. Though nobody sees the pain I hold, it's you who, out of the blue, reminds me to go out and find me.
I don’t need a euphoric end to find out it was all pretend. Still, you could be a friend. I’m digging up memories that I have buried alive in my head. Not taking anything for granted but still denying death. Because I’m frozen when you smile. A smile is an invite into your life. My potential friend, I’ll take a rain check.
Heaven is such a big price to pay when you have lived with the devil. Heaven is such a small place to stray when you have kissed the devil. When I was young, I could feel when the time was right to walk towards a bright light and to take the risk of a mental beating.
Now I see there is no soul left to share some fears with. There is no friendship, only temporary blindness, because they’re all where they deserve to be, unlike me: in a woman’s arms. I laugh as I shed a tear. It was worth it; they could have been friends. And somehow, the longing for... is better than the having of...
It’s early, and sunshine hits my face. Dawn betrays the dark night and curses it away, but only for a day. Sure, I go out and pretend to be fortunate. But my pale face reflects the light right back, as if I’m saying, Keep your love away. Well, that is what I want, but only for a day.
Hell is a playground when it’s all you’ve ever seen. Hell is a theater when you’re out playing soldier. Hell is a sanctuary while escaping the claws of God. I am old. I cannot take another beating. I can’t find me. I can’t hide the pain. I try to hide. I want a happy end.
I want no more pretending. I’m digging my own grave. I feel the fire burning. But it’s just a smile. Invite me into your life. I cannot cry, and I see my old friends laughing. Early sunshine embraces the night, and the dark gives up without a fight. I curse the devil’s way. I’ll curse just one more day.
I have told you how I suffer. I have shown you that I still care. We would smoke after a heavy day, as I dreamed about words: you could be a friend; don’t go away.