I'm struggling a lot lately with having faith in humanity. Off and on for years I have been wanting to unite in person with like-minded people to build a new world - our own version of community and family. No takers. Just a lot of talk. It's easy to get comfy even in uncomfortable circumstances. Health issues. Financial issues. Both keep people thinking they are stuck.
But are we really?
I don't have much to offer other than passion for my ideas and deep desire to give my child a better experience here. My overall physical health is pretty good - tired a lot - cognitive issues mostly due to chronic stress and trauma - so I forget sometimes - space out and have to say I am not being rude - just need a moment to find my center again. And can't offer up any sort of abundance in terms of money - which is what makes it all happen here. An idea - even with action - is going to stay in a loop until money is thrown at it to finish the job. I have a lot of those - ideas. And passion for them. That's a good start.
So - tonight - after I was trying to find the resume I thought I had saved - getting interrupted by my beautiful girl who was having a moment of "ENOUGH".
Who isn't exhausted these days?
This called me away from my current focus of "let's get this done so I can get some more money coming in so I can get on with my life in a new better version". I tended to her need - offering as much comfort as I could - returned to this thing - still unable to find the dayem resume - which I had had an online outlet do for me. I used to be able to put together my own resume - come up with the fancy titles and sales pitches - skills, etc. Today? Uh, I can make really good homemade bread slathered in butter. And I can jump around from crisis/drama to the next and still get that bread made.
Is that good enough to compete in today's market?
I hope so because my age is definitely not working for me. Nor is my current living situation.
I imagine what I tell a potential employer. "Well first of all, I have been running a website for about 7 years and....oh wait.........I hear my child hold on be right back" stumble to push the clunky old and i mean old office chair I use which gets more difficult to maneuver as the months pass. I groan and grunt as I walk away, hoping I had remembered to turn the mic down. I return, apologize, say "ok now, where were we" because I have honestly frigging forgotten where my mind was. (Oh please don't expect me to multi-task I hear my worried self say - that part of my brain broke years ago!)
In this fantasy I have a super understanding potential employer (PE) who tells me exactly where we were - without judgment - with a beautiful smile. "I see you are looking to work from home," PE states. "Yes, I am," I answer.
"How are you to do that with a child in the house?" PS asks. "Do you have a designated work space?" I cringe. No, not THAT, I moan internally. The dreaded question. To which I have no answer for. Nothing that won't sound fake and lacking in authenticity. The truth is - I don't know. What I DO know is that I NEED to increase my income to give myself a new lease on life - and for my child as well. That may look sloppy and lacking in professionalism to any potential PE. So I tell PE I seek someone who will understand that I am first and foremost a mom. And if my kiddo needs me - I have to answer that call. Period. And no - I don't have a designated workspace. I live in a small house with every space already taken - my work space is out in the middle of it all. ......
Where was I going? Sorry, I got lost.
I got lost thinking how am I going to finish this piece and how on earth would I even pull off an interview when I get lost in my conversations with people I am comfortable around. How is it even possible for me to sell myself to someone who will pay me to do things - things I may not be able to do like a 25 year old without kids and with a fully functioning brain who hasn't been harmed and f'd with by life?
Hmmm?
Today I was told by someone they had my back. Ok - it was the healer I see - but I take issue with that statement. If someone has my back and says so I need them to completely back up that statement (no pun intended). I don't say that lightly to others. If I say it - I mean it. So I asked her if she really meant those words. She insisted she did. So I asked her - what if I lost my insurance and couldn't afford to pay you - would you still have my back then and continue to help me?
Without hesitation, she said "I don't know."
Without. Hesitation. No pause to consider this very big question.
I had my answer. I could tell she didn't like the question. Her energy changed the remainder of our time together. I was just trying to keep it real as I do not. do. fake. Not anymore.
This world runs on money. We all know it. But we let it dictate our behavior and choices to the point where we become altered versions of who we imagined ourselves to be as children. In short - we become fake versions of ourselves - have children - tell them to be honest but then toss them into the sea of fake sharks.
This reality and all its broken systems do that to us - but only if we allow it. I've long held the desire to see everyone just stop what they're doing. Just stop. Go outside and tell this matrix and its broken systems: ENOUGH. NO MORE. And instead we give that energy to one another. Big suits tell us "you can't do that. if you do we do this". Yeah? We stand together - united - and tell them to stick it. WE don't need them. THEY need US to remain in power.
And yet - just like I began this rambling had-no-idea-where-it-was-going piece - I will conclude it by remembering how I began it - trying for years to unite in person to build something better for our children. And thus far - no takers.
So yes - I am disillusioned. Hopeful - but only because I believe in myself - and tonight - really deeply feeling disillusioned. So I go it alone. And keep speaking out - hoping to ignite sparks in those who read my words - and create what I intend all along: An Eternal Flame of NEW.
For now - I'm a solo performer.
And very tired of doing it that way.
Love,
Victoria