It's a saying I've seen on many moms' groups, in many conversations between moms: when you can't anymore, you gone can a little bit more .
I honestly admit that I often felt guilty about these words. You will understand why.
They are true, that's right. When you have a mountain to climb and you can't stop anywhere and anyway. When you have to endure for hours because the child has a fever. When you have a project to complete that someone's life depends on.
But, the unwashed dishes in the sink, the dirty carpet, the unwiped dust, the undone order, that article you've been thinking about for a while and it's still unwritten, the FB post you really want to write even though you can barely keep your eyes open, all of that there are no mountains to climb, nor does one's life depend on them. They are just some tasks that we put one after the other, we cross them in the morning or at the beginning of the week on lists and lists and we want to stick to them so that we can have the satisfaction of having ticked off everything we set out to do.
Take a break for yourself!
I was saying that I felt guilty when I saw the words above. Why? Because to me these words sound like this: when I can't anymore, I take a break . That's exactly what I do. When I feel like the blood is draining from my body from exhaustion, when I feel like if I don't sit in a chair I'm going to land straight on the floor, when I feel like I'm hearing voices in my head or fireflies are playing in front of my eyes, I take a break. I simply sit in my quiet corner (really, you have your own quiet corner?) and sit, breathe, close my eyes.
But mostly I don't or don't expect all that to happen. The body gives us signs that it can't do it anymore, that the batteries have run out. We just have to hear him too, listen to him, respect him.
How I relax
Sometimes I color something, or write a few words, transcribe a quote, draw meaningless things with the tip of a pencil. All this is meant to make me regulate my breathing, to disconnect myself from everything I have to do, from everything around me.
Other times I simply sit by the window and watch the trees, the leaves moving, the clouds floating in the sky, their shape, the grasses soaring in their flight. Or I look at people passing by on the street, at cars, I let my mind imagine what it wants: dragons in the form of clouds, stories about the people I see, songs the leaves sing. I'm not proposing anything, I'm just being. Five or ten minutes of silence, to breathe consciously, to let the mind go free, can do wonders, can bring energy back, can make us see the next tasks much easier, can bring inspiration for something we couldn't solve.
Taking a nap
Some afternoons I sit in bed and close my eyes. I make peace within myself and manage to stop hearing the noises around me. I have two children who stay with me all the time. (at least that's the situation now, when I'm writing this article - I've been with them for two years, day in and day out). Children make sounds all the time, they want something, they show you something, they play loudly, they sing, they fuss. My children, even when they sit, they still don't sit. There are times when hearing my thoughts can be challenging. It's not their fault. They are children, they are active, they have imagination, they are in motion and discovery. The fact that it's sometimes overwhelming for me has nothing to do with them. It's just about me.
I've learned that if I don't take my quiet moments, no one will. I learned that if I don't communicate my needs, they won't know what to give me. So I let him know that I need a break, that I need to sit with me.
When we come from somewhere, after many hours of sitting outside, no matter how much I need to do one or the other, to set the table or put things away, I prefer to take a break.
I learned to take quiet moments
I started doing this consciously when I had my second child in my 40s. The energy is not the same as at 30, not even as at 35. When I had to nurse him, I would lock myself in the bedroom and sit with him, quietly. If the baby fell asleep, I also dozed as much as I needed. I then consciously kept this habit of taking breaks during the day.
I think it is very important to tell others. That's what I do. If I have a day where I don't feel at full energy, when I don't feel well physically or mentally, I tell them what my limit is and what I would need. In this way, no one is frustrated and everyone adjusts their activity according to the other.
Dear mothers, seek to make your life easier! Call on everything there is to replace human labor! A dishwasher, an electric appliance that cooks itself (slow cooker, crockpot, thermo-mixer, pressure cooker - the offer is unlimited these days), food processor, coffee maker, robot vacuum cleaner, made bread if you are used to making bread at home (I also use it as a food processor to knead and leaven any dough). Call any shopping app! Having someone come and bring basic products to your door when the fridge is empty while you take care of your work, your child, relaxation, seems to me one of the super inventions of our days. Order food when you feel like you don't have the energy, inspiration or ingredients to cook something, no matter how quickly. There are all kinds of alternatives, it doesn't have to be a menu from luxury restaurants. Children are only happy when they hear about pizza, and for you and the rest of the adults in the house, some ready-made pasta can work wonders at certain times.
For me, it helps me to make portions of vegetables and put them in the freezer ready-chopped. Or boil more beans, make more stuffed peppers, etc., I put them in the freezer and make a meal for when I need it, without much effort.
Don't pull more than you can carry! Because these little Chinese drops work on our psyche. Because family members get used to us superwomen, and when we can't anymore, no one believes us anymore.
Educating future men is our responsibility
I have two boys. I think it is very important to make them see, understand and accept that the woman is neither a kitchen robot, nor a housekeeper, nor a porter who carries the products from the market.
I think it is important for them to understand that a woman is a complex being, with a different anatomy than a man, with periods and days of the month when she needs more peace, attention.
I think it is important that they learn to see and consider these needs as natural, to meet them, to help as they can. Sometimes just a kind word, a little peace, matters more from a man than who knows what expensive dinner at some fancy restaurant.
I know that the model of a mother who can do it all, a woman who is able to juggle at least 7 roles on a daily basis, is in fashion. But none of these roles should lead us to exhaustion, make us stop hearing our body, stop listening to ourselves, stop being our priority.
When you can't anymore, take a break!