And as 2020 arrived we were so full of all kinds of hope
Hope for a better future as Black people
Hope for more love in our relationships, which for me meant another loving year with my wife
Hope for new adventures that would take us to many places around the world
But then the pandemic hit
And then my wife left me
And then my daughter had a mental breakdown
And then George Floyd was killed
And so many things about the world I thought I was living in
Fell apart to show me just how free I really wasn’t
I’ve never loved like this before
The love I have had for and with my spouses
Was all consuming
Was obsessive
I only wanted to love them and be loved by them
And the more love drunk with them I felt
The more love I drank
So it felt like I was swimming in love
And then drowning in it
My husband and I had reached a place where we weren’t loving each other well anymore
And we weren’t able to be present for our kids because we were at war with ourselves and with each other
And so I left him and divorced him
And by the time I met my wife
I had found myself, learned about myself, understood myself, loved myself
So I then transferred all my love energy to her
And our relationship felt so strong and solid and true
My love for her was easy
And it seemed her love for me was easy too
We rarely fought
We got along together so well
We loved being in each other’s presence
Doing nothing at all
Or doing something
We were good at making decisions together
Good at supporting one another
Good at doing every day life
She was an excellent step parent helping me raise my kids
She was an excellent partner for me
She steadied and settled me
I love the way she handled me and my heart
She was gentle and kind and patient
She was romantic in so many ways
She was thoughtful and intentional and expressive
She loved me thoroughly
She seemed to delight in me and i in her
She had some demons, from her childhood
They left her with holes in her heart to fill
And I thought I could, thought I was, filling them with my love
And for over 7 years, she kept me warm
And in the beginning our love was explosive and evident in our sex life
We were hungry for each other and we devoured one another
And it felt electric
One touch, one brush up against each other in the night
And we became ravenous animals
Rolling on top of each other, pouncing
Drinking from every available source
And being so fulfilled and satisfied
She told me often how beautiful I was
She showed me more often than she told me
Even when my heart became anxious and burdened with fear misplaced
She was calm and held my hand gently
As I found my sure footing in our commitment to each other
And I didn’t question her love for me
Her love for me seemed to never waver
Our love seemed reinforced every morning waking up next to her
And every night going to sleep with her
So satisfied that there was nothing more true than us
So when we began to talk about our life when the kids were gone
She did have some reservations about our connection
She did used to tell me that I didn’t touch her enough
So when our sex slowed tremendously
Fizzled out almost completely for a few years
As she wrestled with feelings of nothingness
Because of her childhood traumas
And I was willing to sacrifice my sexuality
On the altar of our love
So she could feel free
To not have sex with me yet know that I wasn’t going anywhere
I would love her just enough just the same or more
But my love alone couldn’t and wouldn’t save her
Nor would it save me
Because she would ultimately leave
She used to tell me I’m her girl, I’ll always be her girl
She was my Jim and I was her Pam
She expressed over and over how I was her person
Her soul mate
Her forever love
But she left me in a condo in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee,
Where lives change forever
And with her leaving me
I felt abandoned, discarded, unwanted and alone
Which showed me once again
That I wasn’t free
The things that made me feel safe
Being an American
Being her wife
Being a mom
Being Black
Were the very things that showed me I wasn’t safe
So I would set out to get free
To grieve and heal the wounds
And to find peace
And center my pleasure
And choose joy
And celebrate the parts of life worth celebrating
Every day
On purpose
Her love for me was so big
I felt so safe in her arms
Felt so safe belonging to her
Felt so protected and treasured by her
I loved myself
But I didn’t realize how much being loved by her had become a part of my identity
I was Chelsea, Alexis and Adam’s mom
I was Chaz’s ex-wife
But I was now Dawn’s wife
And that made more sense to me than my other identities
Though she wasn’t a mom herself
Though she didn’t bear my children
She seemed to love them as though they were
She was so involved, often times more than me, in their lives and upbringing during those teenage years
She was always thinking about me,
Always preferring me
Always there for me
Only in these past few months
As I have been writing and trying to pull words out of my heart and head
Have I come to realize
Just how much love and support both of my spouses provided me
I don’t think I took it for granted
I was very aware that to be loved and to be married to people that I loved was a blessing
But it was normal for my life as I spent almost 18 years as their wife
Where day in and day out
There were daily hugs and kisses and reassurances of commitment and deep care
Daily affirmations that this love was real and strong and true
Daily words of support and encouragement
Daily confirmation that I was wanted and needed in the world
Their love made me feel like I could do anything
Especially Dawn
She was always my biggest cheerleader
She made me feel larger than life
And I relied on her reassurance and her faith and confidence in me
In ways I wouldn’t understand until she left and that was gone from my life
I am a peace maker
Always have been
My personality is such that the greater the tension, the more I will ground myself in peace
When emotions are big and run hot
I typically bring mine down
I’m trying to fill all my voids from Dawn and to some extent V and to some extent Chaz, with people. With lots and lots of people. I set my word for the year as community and that is exactly what I am drawing to myself, a varied and mixed community. As each new person arrives, I welcome them with arms wide open. I listen, I share, I offer help getting around and places to go and visit. I begin making careful and intentional investments. I want to know them and love them and I want to keep them.