Things I've learnt about screentime boundary setting...

But before I get into it, some context...

Up until my son turned 4, screens were not a concern or much of his everyday life. He had a life that was full and very much engaged in real life play and social interaction. Like most parents, when the pandemic hit and we went into lockdown which happened to be over his 4th birthday, everything changed. Screens became a necessary tool for everyone. When we moved and restarted our lives the reliance on this tool became even more entrenched because eventhough the world was opening up, as a family our social world, community and support structures became much smaller.

My husband, dog, son and I spent a lot of time at home together even though we also explored our new context, our home and each other were a security blanket. It was beautiful but also relentless and so our use of screentime to get downtime started to creep in more than we would’ve liked under ‘normal’ circumstances.

It’s been 6 months since we moved to Auckland and part of the settling and establishing ourselves has brought up a lot. Especially for my son, for whom the screen became a constant, a preoccupation, I would even go so far to say a crutch. For us too, dealing with the loss and grief of being so far from my family, the mourning of my late father, trying to find paying work.

For months now, Ive become increasingly uncomfortable at how this has happened- he gets overstimulated and dysregulated by too much, he has forgotten how to play or to keep himself engaged. When he’s not watching or we’ve put a limit on it he complains of being bored and then the tantrums start. I knew something had to shift, we no longer had the excuse of ‘being in a pandemic’, or trying to settle in a new place. It was time.

This is what I've learnt in this process...

1. Truth is, I had no idea where to start, but I’d been following Rachel of Connect.Ot 's account for sometime and saw her posting regularly about her screen audit course. I reached out to her and explained where we were at and where we had been and she said it was ideal for our circumstances, (it's aimed at parents of kids up to 7/8 years old). I’m so glad I did it!

2. This is because I soon understood that this audit was actually not about the screens at all, it was about connecting deeply and regularly with my boy as a means to foster firmer boundaries around the screen, to fill the gap of what the screen replaces and from there him not ‘needing’ it as a tool. The secondary result being that his little brain can start thinking creatively of how to entertain himself, to get immersed in imaginary play, proprioceptive play, rough and tumble.

3. Before I started with the audit, I went out and got a few things that I thought would encourage his play style – organizing objects, big objects to move around the garden (bricks, planks, junk yard things), a few arts and crafts things (although in retrospect I realized these were more for me as I like doing them and they were a total waste of time and money). I would change these up, rotate some of his existing toys, I even made a ‘tool table’ outside for him and honestly, he just wasn’t interested in any of it.

4. What I soon started to understand was that aside from a structured routine around when he could and couldn’t play on his device and watch TV – he’s the type of kid who likes to know ehats coming – the biggest shifts started to happen after I’d spend regular blocks of time with him doing something together. We built lego and magna tile creations, played monopoly, baked muffins, went to the theatre, and art gallery together. All of this aided by the fact that it was the school holidays and the priviledge I have of working for myself and from home, to be able to commit to this time with him. There are of course the mundane yet equally important moments of enjoying breakfast, lunch and dinner together, driving in the car playing our fav jams, where we talk about any and everything, which happen regardless of school holidays or not.

5. As the days went on, the tough and hard moments and meltdowns about wanting to watch TV started to happen less and what started to happen more was that he was playing beautifully by himself for longer periods, mainly with our dog and finding totally unexpected objects like a dishcloth or my scarf to create these weird and wonderful storylines. He also started to complain less about being bored, like suddenly his brain clicked, ‘ok, I cant watch the screens, I need to get busy playing.’ Today after we watched the Seabeast movie together he played for 2 hours, creating forts with linen, playing with the old vaccum cleaner that doesn’t work, and although all the things I came prepared with are sitting collecting dust (I will use them as theyre mainly kitchen and household utensils and of course the arts and craftsy stuff), I feel like we’ve broken ground. In fact today for the first time he had a mini meltdown when we were ready to leave the house because he was busy playing!

6. Granted it’s been only 2 weeks, and we’ve had a day of sickness which I thought would ruin so much of the work we’ve put in, but I’m genuinely amazed at how well we’ve adapted.

We still will use the screens, I don’t believe at all in shunning them, and now with the school term starting and him taking on more extra murals during the week, I know after a long day they can be used effectively to unwind. But the reliance on them is something we’ve moved through.

7. I’ve also learnt through this process how important it is to understand this concept of what they replace, connection, and that has been a game changer. It’s made me really see him and understand him better but most of all, it’s been an unbelievably empowering experience as a parent. To be confident in the boundaries we’ve set, to hold them and to step into the fire with him when he tries to push them. Something that always used to dysregulate me, but no more. What I love so much about Rachel's course is that it takes so much of the respectful parenting philosophy and really makes it come alive in ‘going through the storm’ of a screen audit. For some time I’ve often struggled with much of the discourse of gentle/conscious/respectful parenting because it’s way more difficult to implement than it is to read all the books/ listen to the podcasts about it. But this course provided the opportunity to really get to grips with it through an actual tangible goal, reducing screentime. 

‘I’m proud of you for how hard you’re trying, we can do hard things.’ Something I’ve said to him regularly these past two weeks and to myself. Something that I always understood the value of in theory, but now through practice have really come to appreciate, because it just works.