Today he melted down - went from 0 to 10 - over the location of a state.
Turned out he was not completely sure of the location.
No. big. deal.
Unless you're someone like him.
He started to rage.
I made the mistake of trying to alleviate the situation, soothe him, tell him it's not worth getting upset over, which pushed him into his space where he began to chant his usual phrases:
"Why don't you go look at yourself in the mirror"
"Go challenge your dichotomy somewhere else"
Then I was called a pretentious @-hole.
All over trying to determine the location of a state.
I took my girl and left. Went for a nice hike.
When I returned, we decided to make Christmas cookies. Afterwards, I started to clean up and get dinner ready. He had been sitting silently in his chair, watching videos. As I walked past him, he started to ask when he could have some attention - literally saying "when are you going to give ME some attention?" He said I'm always busy with my work, the house and our daughter and that I never give him any attention. And he said it in such a way as I began to feel that old guilt and shame kick in - no respect in those words - just judgment and demanding tones. (He's always said I give too much of my time to our girl - always as in even when she was a tiny baby.)
These days yes, I do not give him much attention. He's lucky I give him so much as a nod now.
I was shaking for most of the afternoon. His energy is so unbelievably toxic. I'm thinking back to earlier in the day when I was standing by the stove and he began asking me where something was, and I couldn't recall. I began to shake, because he was demanding that I tell him at that moment. When I am in the presence of anyone who is demanding something of me, I go into freeze mode. It is a HORRIBLE way to live, and I know my daughter and I deserve so much better. And given I KNOW this, I realize part of my shaking is the deep seeded rage I feel towards him, along with the broken system that offers no help for this kind of situation, and the criminally expensive cost of housing - while also knowing if I presented myself as an immigrant here in this state, I WOULD RECEIVE ALL THE HELP I NEEDED.
Later on, he wanted some resolution. His attempt at resolving included him saying he wanted to talk with me like an ADULT and was I capable of doing that.
DEEP BREATH.
The desire - the overwhelming urge - to take my walking stick in the corner and beat the shit out of him was HUGE.
Instead, I chose the option that wouldn't (ridiculously and unfortunately) land me in jail, took a deep breath and nodded (while ignoring my sarcastic side that ooooh so deeply wanted to say "Of course I can. The question you should ask is are YOU capable?")
Because, you see, HE had calmed down (a relative term when it comes to his behavior) and HE wanted resolution NOW because HE said so.
And even though he apologized, it means NOTHING. Because it didn't include "I'm so sorry I was so upset and I'm sorry I scared the two of you." Instead, it was an "I'm sorry" followed by "I am not feeling well today."
Again - those words mean NOTHING.
Bullies deserve one thing: CONSEQUENCES. And this includes to never. be. allowed. in the presence of those they have frightened and abused.
So, hello Karma - there's a big blaring example of bully behavior right here.
You can have him.
M.E.