UGH!
Vent piece incoming.
He has been saying for over 10 years that he's dying and that he has cancer. He has all but wished it on himself.
The years - the thousands - literally thousands - of times I have heard those words followed by deep sighs and the "I don't feel well" - it all burst for me today.
I CANNOT AND WILL NOT HEAR ONE. MORE. LAMENT.
Not
one
more.
After going through yet another year of more tests and procedures and new doctors only to be told the SAME THING: YOU ARE FINE. NO CANCER. JUST AGE RELATED HEALTH ISSUES.
Anyone who says your thoughts create have not met this entity. Narcissists seem to escape that "law".
Unless he has known all along that he's fine and he's just a giant lying POS who seeks to get attention from kind decent people.
Refusing to work.
Refusing to support his child the way a real father should.
Putting me in the position of having to work my ass off - having to go in to debt if we wanted to eat - and you bet he eats the food I buy each month - ruining my credit (because the cost of living kept going up - and I had to make choices: eat or pay a credit card statement) - doing most everything around here including bringing in income - more than him. And reaching out to agencies for help - 3, 4 5 months or this - finally making progress with funds for schooling and a job coach. Trying to navigate it all - with this traumatized mind and body.
Plus doing mama duties as I have done since day one.
I don't gripe about that. She is my child. She is my responsibility.
What I DO gripe about is that I essentially have been a single mother all along. And his treatment of me has harmed me - where I am not who I used to be - although I am trying and doing to heal. Seems like half of humanity hasn't a CLUE what living with these entities does to you - most expecting me to understand this or understand that or pushing me or not understanding when I am in tears saying I AM NOT ABLE TO DO THIS right now.
HELP ME GET OUT AND AWAY FROM HIM SO I CAN GET THERE.
All along - here I was - naive - trusting and here he is able to go anywhere he wants without a care in the world - while I have to go through so many personal inner doing's just to get through the day.
Someone who was blinded to his behavior - out of intense fear and a refusal to believe - my mind simply unable to grasp - that someone could be that. horrible.
But he is. His stepmom once told me he is the most frustrating person you will ever meet but he has a heart of gold. I chose to ignore the frustrating part and focused on the heart of gold part. But that heart of gold was slowly ruined by the frustrating part, which really is not frustrating - all along it was toxic and destroying and insane - insane when you try as a normal human with a heart to reason and explain.
The fact that once again he has been told he is not dying he does not have cancer - that is it for me.
He is getting pushed by me to get a job and take care of his child. Regardless of if I am living here or not.
Today he tells me "you haven't had a job in years!"
???
He's easily triggered.
I read something today - when you have the same conversation(s) over and over again - that is not a relationship.
That is a prison.
One I am escaping from.
M.E.